IT'S STUPID TO BE A CHALLENGE TO A GIRL THAT WANTS YOU TO COMMIT!
If you have a good girl that wants a ring then it's dumb to be a "challenge" to her - commit already!
Read on...
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READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I’ve had your book for four years and have read it dozens of times. Here’s the situation. Cassie has wanted me to commit to her for six months now. She is 27. However, my Interest Level has historically crept up slowly with women.
Cassie has seemingly shown many signs of high interest: never turns down any of my invites, plans activities for us, has tended to me every time I’ve been sick, and excitedly introduced me to her parents (big deal for her, since she’s a conservative girl). Despite being frustrated by my hesitance to commit, Cassie has stuck by me, and has shunned the advances of other guys.
Anyway, here’s the kicker. One morning she invites me over for breakfast at her apartment. I tell her I can’t make it, but can come for dinner. Over dinner, she brings up how she has “underlying frustration” regarding my uncertainty about us. I told her that I’m coming around to the fact of us being together. She looked stunned and teared up. She then lectured me about how she has built up “emotional walls” against me in fear that I was one day going to choose another girl. She said she fears those walls may be too thick, and that she now needs some time to “think about things and process” the situation. She then told me that she hopes I understand her frustration. She asked that I spend the night with her, but in order to be a Challenge (and to clear my mind), I told her that may not be the best idea, and for her to take some time to herself.
Cassie has contacted me every day since then, asking if I’m okay and complaining that I’ve been more quiet than usual. However, she has not said that she is ready to let her guard down and be with me. In short, Doc, this woman had 90%-plus Interest Level for months, asked to be with me for a while, I finally obliged, and now she seems too scared to do it.
It feels like the tables have completely flipped, though I’d say my interest is still in the “safe” mid 70s. Do I need to have patience with this woman while she “processes things,” or is that all malarkey? Am I out? Is she in the dreaded 49% or lower interest zone? Is it time to cease all contact with her, cut the losses and go and get loaded up on other girls’ home phone numbers?
Dee - who feels like he’s still on top of it
DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Dee,
It’s great that your Interest Level climbs up slowly. I wish more guys would be like you. As soon as most guys even set eyes on a girl their Interest Level is 90%! So it’s good that you have some Self-Control.
Now let’s look at what you’ve got here. You have the perfect girl in Cassie, she has time in with you, and “The System” says that it’s okay for her to ask for a commitment. She’s already shown you her character, she treats you great (and your Interest Level is lower than hers so you are being objective), and from reading my book you can distinguish a good girl from a bad one. Finally, she shuns the advances of other guys, so she has the all-important quality of Loyalty. So what in the world are you waiting for?
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Hi Doc. I can’t be the only one who reads these weekly columns and says, “Wow, I need to hear an update on this story!” I often wonder if the person writing in takes your advice, and how his situation resolves. But in this one here Doc I hope you will update us in a few weeks as to what happens is Dee’s case.
Scott, thanks for the suggestion – I will try to follow up if I can
I am confused by the emotional wall thing. What does that mean in womanese Doc? I have heard that by women that I have dated. Is that an expression of fear that a woman feels when she thinks she is going to lose a man so she builds up a wall based on some kind of history she has been through, or is it really more of an expression that she has no more feelings for you? You indicate that Cassie is expressing fear of losing Dee when that is mentioned. I think that is where the confusion is with Dee. I think Dee and me were thinking the same thing, meaning she is putting on a show. Even if Cassie’s actions seemed to match a woman with high interest level, something could be left out of this story. I see that they have been together for a while, but I thought challenge was a huge part of the maintenance program. I read your book a lot and I myself am confused on the maintenance side of things when it comes to challenge vs. having her heart and then giving her more attention. I might have to call into your show one of these days.
Hi Michael,
Everything is a case-by-case basis – in this case she had HIGH INTEREST LEVEL and he made her wait too long and then she started withdrawing. Challenge and Mystery are to be used heavily in the first 60 days and then you modify after things start getting serious. The big thing with THE SYSTEM is that you want to go slowly and have her prove to you that she does have enough INTEREST LEVEL to be serious – but once she’s proven that and is a good girl then you have to continue to take things to the next level because good women in love want to be married. There’s a time to work Challenge and there’s a time to make sure she gets the respect, affection and romance she deserves. I hope this answers your question and of course you’re always welcome to call http://www.datingwomenradioshow.com
Your answer Doc gives me a better understanding. I have a great gal. We have been together close to a year (10 months). She has all the traits of somebody with high interest level, one being a flexiable giver who has integrity, but I am sometimes nervous that I might suffocate her as we get closer to one another. I have been busy with coaching soccer lately and that spaces things out, but sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or not a good thing at this point in our relationship. Sometimes she makes jokes about how I am so obsessed with it. She at other times says that she thinks it is great that I have that passion for coaching and so I am trying to find the middle. We usually see one another for a few days at a time either at her or my place and then spend time a part to focus on our individual selves. At this point, I want to find the happy medium. I got down what to do for the first 60 days, it is the maintenance of a relationship that becomes the biggest challenge for me in finding the balance in the time spent together and also in keeping things fresh and not trying to force things that are not there, meaning getting her involved in things that I love to do that maybe she might not be into. So finding the middle does take being on your feet, but thanks to you, I am getting a understanding for how that works. The big challenge is listening and reading her body language and responding in the way I need to, but your Dating Dictionary and articles have helped Doc, so thank you! Also, you might find this interesting and funny, but your techniques on reading women have helped me out in coaching soccer. I have been able to differentiate between how I need to work with the boys side vs. the girls side by having the understanding for what gets the girls motivated in difference than the boys. So thank you for that too. I can definitely see you coaching a girls team Doc. Lol! Thanks Again!
Michael – great story and I’m happy you’ve been successful. You’re so right about THE SYSTEM spilling into other areas of your life – but I’ll admit that coaching is a first! That’s great – you’ve helped THE SYSTEM grow! Thanks again.
Hi Doc.
Quick 2 questions from responses above:
Dee: “Cassie has contacted me every day since then, asking if I’m okay and complaining that I’ve been more quiet than usual.”
DocLove: “The reason she keeps calling you is that she’s a girl in love.”
So girl in love (with high IL) will call you often – every day? I screwed up last relationship due to her calls every day. She had high IL. When she give up calling me I knew it’s the end of relationship and after a month it really was. Like you say: If she cannot hear you and cannot see you, then you cannot lower her IL.
DocLove: “Challenge and Mystery are to be used heavily in the first 60 days and then you modify after things start getting serious.”
I think I understand that statement only due to the world “heavily”. By my opinion you should be challenge and mystery all the time but you give her a bits from you mistery over time? You give her a bit of mystery when she deserves it (she do something extraordinary or special for you). What do you think?
Women’s chief complaint is that men rush in – they try to do everything too fast. Good guys want to do nice things but they do it before a relationship is established – they send flowers, candy, gifts and give compliments while the girl is still a stranger – so in the first 60 days or 10 dates you are to be different from other guys in how you approach things. However, once you have a good girl and she’s in love with you it’s okay to give her nice things, compliment her and see her – however you always want to retain elements of MYSTERY & CHALLENGE – for example just because she’s in love with you doesn’t mean you can now see her 7 days a week and follow her around like a puppy dog (an extreme example, but you get the point).
The principles stay the same – try to keep it light, funny, no heavy subjects and no put downs and be a MYSTERY and CHALLENGE even to your girlfriend but it all becomes a matter of degree. For example, to be a MYSTERY and CHALLENGE with a girl in the first 60 days you’ll disappear and not call between dates but obviously you can’t do that in a relationship so how do you accomplish this? Especially since heavier subjects will come up and you will see each other more. My advice is to remember what got her to fall in love. You’ll see her more but you don’t have to be in her face; you’ll talk more heavy subjects but you don’t have to lose all the fun stuff you did together – I mean it’s okay to talk about what’s in the news with your girlfriend but don’t look at her being your girlfriend as a license to always talk about heavy stuff all the time – remember girls just want to have fun according to the Cyndi Lauper song (which had a lot of brilliance in it’s lyrics)!
The rule of thumb is not to follow the “letter of the law” but the “spirit of the law” – and that’s how you have to treat THE SYSTEM – there are “rules” in there because the thinking is so different that a lot of guys need a guidepost but that’s what it is in essence – a guidepost – not a “do A, get B; do C, get D” type of thing – because you’re dealing in human relationships and dealing with people is much more complex than any rote set of rules can cover.
What I’m trying to do is coach my students to be the best version of themselves they can be – always be on a path to improve all areas of their lives; remember that she falls in love with a guy that makes her laugh and feel good and that you have to still give her space and time to miss you even if you’re now in a relationship – because you don’t have to be joined at the hip nor become different than the guy she dated just because she’s now in love with you.
I hope all this helps.
I was a challenge, worked it exactly as the system instructed. Caprice is a very good girl & she recently told me she loves me. She treats me with respect, cooks for me, & she enjoys just being with me. She has a great profession but is very low maintenance. We’ve been dating almost 1 year, I treat her very well & give her lots of affection & romance because she deserves it & she is very appreciative with interest level in the mid 90s. We don’t have sex because it wouldn’t be proper to do so before marriage, she is in agreement with this. I’m having the time of my life with this awesome lady. I did date lots of other girls until Caprice came along but I did not waste a lot of time, money or effort on them. I wish all of Doc Love’s followers the best. This is great stuff.
Thanks for the clarification with this particular issue regarding challenge. You have now confirmed that I’m on the right track.
Hank – I really appreciate your support and kind words
Hi Doc,
Did you ever find out what happened to Dee and Cassie? I’m really keen to hear how that story ended
Hi Andy – many times guys don’t write back and tell me how things went – unfortunately this is one of those times.
Dee,
If you are not so in love with this girl that you can’t resist her or feel her pain, or you have no heart and this is just a tactical game to you, do her a favor and dump her. Doc is sugar coating it because you clearly need to have everything spelled out for you. Back flips is right! But if you don’t love her with the same commitment, don’t ruin this girls 20’s with a marriage that you are just going to be selfish and manipulative in until you want something better, and find out you were wrong after you’ve broken this great girls heart.
Don’t be arrogant. She isn’t this great just because she’s so interested in you. She’s great. You’re the lucky one here. And if you seriously don’t see it, or can watch her suffer while you tease and torture her, let some guy who will appreciate her and treat her right have her.
Omg.
Thanks for the great comments Jonn!