Dating Women Advice: His Confidence Is Low And Needs Doc’s Help
WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
He lost a bunch of weight to improve his looks but he needs coaching on improving his self-esteem so he's not a doormat with women.
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I am your loyal follower. I need your in-depth evaluation of my first real relationship, which has gone sour.
By the way, I didn’t become a follower or a client of yours until after the bad relationship ended.
Doc, I think if I learn my lesson now it will save me a ton of future heartbreak.
At 19 I weighed 310 pounds. I was grossly overweight and this affected my Confidence as well as my love life. I never had a real girlfriend and no girls ever showed interest in me. I made an amazing life change, losing over 110 pounds. I’m now 23 and look better than I’ve ever looked. Confidence is something I’ve always projected but never really had. I was always loud and funny and strong but I was always self-conscious and had low self-esteem.
Anyway, I met Gia over a year ago. We started hanging out while she was hooking up with guys. I did the dirty work -- watching movies with her and just having fun but not being romantic. The night before she left to study abroad I confessed I had feelings for her as more than a friend. Her response was mixed signals. When she was gone, she texted me that we’ll see what happens when she comes back and we should just be friends. I was angry. My ego was hurt. Gia was the first girl to give me attention after I lost all that weight. But when she was gone she constantly told me she missed me!
When Gia came back she always asked to hang out and reconnect. Of course I said yes. We got really close again. We started hanging out and drinking all the time. The day came when I couldn’t control it anymore and I asked her out on a date. We went on several dates and things seemed to be going good, but she was giving me mixed signals all the time. When we were together she was happy and all about me, but when we were apart I could never get hold of her and she was distant all the time.
Finally, after weeks of being in limbo and not knowing how she felt and pressuring her she accepted and became my girlfriend. We entered into a serious relationship. It lasted only one month. I gave too much too soon. I tried to be Mister Nice Guy and it backfired. She would always put her friends over me and I never actually felt like I mattered to her. Finally she admitted that she didn’t have feelings as strong as mine and that she only wanted to give the relationship a try because we had such a strong connection and we got along so well that she thought the feelings would come later. When she called and told me that we should end it, she was cold and showed no remorse. She was perfectly okay with losing me and now here I am, broken. Anyway I bought “The System” right afterwards, read it cover to cover and instantly felt a little better about everything.
Benjy - who is devastated
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Benjy,
First of all, congratulations on losing all that weight! What you have to do now is continue eating with the same habits that got your weight down in the first place. Ninety percent of the overweight people who lose weight go back to their old unhealthy eating habits. It’s the same thing with dating. When a guy finally gets a girl by using the “The System,” he walks away from the techniques that got her. Then the girl walks away from him. The principles are the same.
It was all a waste of time to “hang out” with Gia. You DATE a girl, Benjy. If she wants to hook up with other guys, you have to get rid of her. So this thing with Gia was dead right from the start.
Dude, you don’t confess your feelings to a girl who likes to hook up with other guys. In fact, you don’t talk about your feelings ever. You’re just slaughtering Challenge.
So Gia gave you all kinds of mixed signals. What does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means: she has LOW INTEREST LEVEL if she has any interest at all. Of course she wants to just be friends with you — because she wants to party with these other guys when you’re not around!
It doesn’t matter how much Gia said she missed you. The point is that she’s not your girlfriend and you haven’t even had a real date with her yet. And you got all worked up over NOTHING. To you Psych majors, mixed signals means inconsistent behavior which in turn means low or no Interest Level. You’ve got real problems here, pal. These mixed signals are HUGE RED FLAGS. When you can’t get hold of a girl, it’s obviously not a good sign. And again, you got all hopped up on girl you barely had a date with!
But you went and pressured a girl you barely had a date with to become your girlfriend. Benjy, you want her to pressure you to become her boyfriend. You’ve got everything backwards!
This relationship of yours was so serious it only lasted one month. When you say “I gave too much too soon,” that tells me EVERYTHING. That’s the core of your problem with Gia. This is what most guys in America do – they give too much too soon. Now you’re paying for it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You weren’t being Mister Nice Guy – you were being MISTER WIMP!” And it backfired.
Benjy, I’ve got news for you: you never did matter to Gia. You did all the work, and she could care less about you. What does she mean, her feelings weren’t as strong as yours? She didn’t have ANY feelings for you! And let me explain something to you: feelings don’t come later. You have to have some basic feelings going into a relationship to get it started, and Gia never had them. You were just someone to kill time with and hang out with while she dated other guys. Come on, man, wake up! Like I said earlier, you got all wound up over nothing!
Benjy, if you had “The System” six months before you met Gia, you wouldn’t have taken all this crap from her. You’d have gotten rid of her a long time ago. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re like chopped liver.” You just got Gia’s leftovers and you didn’t even realize it. What happened to you is very sad.
Remember, guys: Unless you eat, drink and dream “The System,” you will never be successful with women.
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