Hey Doc,

I’ve been your student and a member of the Doc Love Club since 2013. Your teachings are amazing and have really opened my eyes and given me more control and discipline over my life. As you always say, this stuff flows!

Here’s some background on my situation. My buddy and Megyn went out seven years ago. He broke up with her and is now married. He says it’s perfectly fine for me to date her. I asked him whether it was okay out of respect and courtesy.

So what is your advice on dating a buddy’s ex? What should I avoid saying or doing?

Megyn and I have now been dating for three months. She scores very high in the categories of FLEXIBLE and GIVING. Her Interest Level is at “robbing banks with me.” She’s very respectful and loves to be at home. I date her according to “System” principles as much as I can (though it’s tough!).

Now here are some specific issues I need to address or think about. I know nothing about Megyn’s Loyalty. How do I test it? She got divorced just a year ago. I of course know this, but she hasn’t confided in me about it yet. How should I address it? I would like to find out why she got a divorce, and if it had anything to do with Loyalty.

Megyn is a knockout, so I need to be 100% sure of her Loyalty, since she gets hit on plenty. My radar is up.

Next, she seems to have short attention span (for example, she doesn’t follow through with hobbies, projects, etc.). Will this carry over into her relationships?

Finally, she’s a little insecure. She says “I love you” and other cheesy stuff constantly, and tries to get me to parrot it back. Being a Spartan, I defuse it with humor, and surprise, surprise, she finds it a CHALLENGE. Doc, any tips on how to address this behavior or should I just carry on as I’m doing?

Ralf - who’s trying to do everything right

Hi Ralf,

You don’t have to say or do anything when it comes to Megyn’s ex. Just don’t bring the guy up – it’s that simple. Don’t talk about him.

If your buddy is now married to somebody else and he dated Megyn seven years ago, then you’re off the hook as far as he’s concerned. But if they had only broken up two weeks ago, then you couldn’t go out with her. A guy will say that it’s perfectly okay for you to date his ex if he drops her a month earlier and not mean it. But in this case he did it seven years ago, and he’s now happily married. And he was the one who did the dumping – at least so he says. But maybe he didn’t. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You know how guys BS in order to protect their egos.” The point here is that if your buddy and Megyn broke up recently, he might say it was okay for you to go out with her, but down deep it would hurt his feelings.

So now you have three months in with Megyn. At the end of six months you’ll be able to trust her a little bit. As time goes by, you will see things in her personality and actions that you’ll be able to judge more clearly in terms of Loyalty and Honesty and Trust. Ralf, you can’t test Megyn’s Loyalty directly. Instead you have to keep your eyes open and watch her. When you’re out with her, does she flirt with the waiter or the bartender? At a party does she make eyes at other guys? That’s what you’re going to be on the lookout for. What this means is that you are going to test Megyn’s Loyalty through the passage of time.

Now let me get this straight. You’ve been going out with a woman for three months and she hasn’t confided in you yet about her divorce a year ago? What kind of relationship is this, guy? You want to know how to address it? Just ask her about it. But if you press her directly on whether her divorce had to do with Loyalty, you won’t get a true answer because you’ll only be getting her version of what happened.

If Megyn gets hit on plenty, you’ve got to observe her when other guys come on to her. That will be your test. When some dude hits on her, you have to see whether she says “No thank you, Ralf is my boyfriend” – or if she reacts in a different way.

Let me explain it to you this way, Ralf. In the beginning stages of a relationship, you’ll see Interest Level. But you will only see Loyalty OVER TIME. You’ll have to eye Megyn like a hawk. You don’t have to be on guard, exactly, but because she’s a knockout you will have to watch how she handles it when other guys approach her. And to you Psych majors, when you go out with a drop-dead gorgeous girl, you have to expect to put up with lots of guys coming on to her.

Don’t get bent out of shape if Megyn is a bit flighty when it comes to her projects and hobbies. It’s just a small Red Flag. It has nothing to do with her Loyalty.

When she tells you all the time that she loves you, take it in stride. Like my Uncle Rabbi Love says, “There are worse things you could hear, my son.” So,  just carry on as you’re doing.

Remember guys: the only way to judge a woman’s Loyalty is to spend a lot of time with her.