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He loves her - she loves him - but she's broken and cannot be fixed. Find out why he needs to move on ASAP!
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,I purchased “The System” a year ago, and it has helped me to refine my approach to women and to life. However, I still have to read your book a great number of times more.
Currently, I am in an eight-month relationship with a great woman, Liane. She’s kind, smart, and Beautiful. She is also a Giver. She helps me with the cleaning and cooking despite the fact that we aren’t living together.
We’ve had a lot of conflict over her feelings of inadequacy, and her feeling like she’s second best to me. A large portion of these insecurities may stem from her emotionally abusive father, with whom she does not have contact anymore, as well as her negative feelings about her mixed ethnicity.I am much more reserved than Liane, and my attitude at times may suggest that I don’t care too much.
However, I tell her that I am committed to a relationship with her, and we spend a lot of time discussing these issues in a calm and rational, though sometimes frustrating, way. I would even admit some of my own insecurities to her so that she felt like she wasn’t the only one dealing with them. Even though things got better after a shaky start, Liane continues to feel that she is much more interested in the relationship than I am.
The truth is that I love her, and show her affection every day. Heck, I want to marry her!
Although it may seem as if I am being a Challenge, I go along with Liane’s suggestions most of the time.
For example, she immediately wanted to start seeing me and be romantically intimate four or more times per week at the start of our romance.
She would almost always initiate meeting up, and she would act hurt if I was busy that day. I would find myself occasionally changing my schedule for her just so we could hang out. Liane was the first to say she loved me, and would ask for romance nine out of 10 times.
Again, I love her, and always requited the affection once we started.
I wasn’t neglecting her!Now our relationship is on the rocks, and we’ve been talking about breaking up and her need for space. She is also frustrated that I’ve had more romantic experience than her. Liane says that I hold too much power in the relationship, and she believes that I don’t really want her. This sounds a lot like Womanese to me, but I still would like to hear your opinion.
By the way, Liane still seems like she is open to rebuilding our relationship, but we both know that this won’t be easy. Is the problem here my lack of Challenge and constant contact (up to six nights a week) with her or is it something else?
Howard - who doesn’t want to throw eight months away
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Howard,
First of all, you have to eat, sleep and dream “The System.” You have to get the entire book between your ears so that every reaction you have is natural and correct. That will come with time, but you have to study the book over and over again.
Let me tell you something, pal. Liane shouldn’t be servicing your house. You should have an outside cleaning person. Your girlfriend should not be cleaning up after you. It’s okay if she cooks you a meal here and there, but she’s not there to mop floors. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She ain’t your maid.”
You can’t change Liane’s feelings of inadequacy. And the problem is that her insecurities are going to haunt you for the rest of your life if you stay in this relationship.
She had a horrible father and no stability when she was growing up and you are going to have to live with those things for the rest of your life if you stay with her.
To you Psych majors, when you marry a woman, her problems are YOUR problems.
The best woman to marry is one who loves her mother and father, and Liane got no stability from her father. So this thing is going to be a mess.
When you talk to Liane about all of her issues, it’s like talking to the wall, because you’re using logic and she’s using emotion. You shouldn’t be talking about your insecurities with her. You’re not supposed to be playing catch-up with her problems. If she had any brains, she wouldn’t talk about hers either.
But in her case, the issues are too deep rooted and she can’t help herself.
Liane’s quibble over your lack of interest in her makes no sense. She has nothing to worry about since your Interest Level is 85% to her 95%. But even if yours were 100%, she would still be complaining about the same things.
Howard, the fact is that Liane doesn’t see that you are interested in her enough to marry her. She doesn’t see this great guy that she’s had for the past eight months because she has deep hang-ups that are going to affect you for the rest of your life if you marry her.
You shouldn’t have gone along with Liane’s demands for your time at the start of your relationship. If you hadn’t, she would have dropped you and you wouldn’t have wasted the past eight months. When she was acting hurt, you should have told her that you don’t tolerate girls who act hurt when you turn them down. She was telling you right then and there that she can’t handle any type of relationship with a male on account of her father. No matter how much you did for her, she didn’t see it.
So you don’t get it, buddy. You will NEVER be enough for this woman.
What you’re hearing from her is not Womanese. What you’re hearing is where Liane is really coming from. She’s damaged goods and is not fit to be your wife or a mother.
Dude, you can’t fix this relationship because you can’t change how this woman is wired. She is not built for any type of romantic relationship and you’ve wasted eight months of your life on her. The irony is that you have my book, and it says that when a person is broken, you have to forget her.
You’ve talked to Liane over and over and nothing changes. You treat her like a queen, you’re always there for her, you’re not seeing anyone else but her, but it doesn’t mean anything to her. No matter what you do it will never be enough for her. And now she’s getting rid of you when you’re the best thing in her life since popcorn!
This mess has nothing to do with Challenge. It’s the way Liane is built — and she’s emotionally damaged.
Remember, guys: when you go out with a girl who is broken, don’t waste your time trying to fix her.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Hello Doc,
I really enjoy your articles and I wish you would give advice to women as well. It’s so very useful! 🙂 I have a question: If a woman has worked through her childhood trauma/family issues, wouldn’t she in some ways be a better wife or mother than someone who has never been through hardship?
You said the key thing “if she’s worked through her issues” – but this woman hasn’t – she’s still stuck on them.
I do believe that someone that has “come through the rain and not changed their point of view” as the old song goes could be a great partner for someone as people like that usually have more empathy and compassion for others but also there are women that haven’t faced that level of adversity and are still great mates.
What’s beautiful about The System is a guy goes SLOWLY and treats every woman he sees as an individual and reacts accordingly so I’d say that no matter what a woman’s childhood was like, if she’s treating him as The System says she should then that’s all you need to go by.
I appreciate you writing – The System is a very friendly place for good women – what I’ve learned from good women I teach to men and what I teach is that manners, class, respect, affection and romance should never be foreign concepts to my students because if you’re going to have a great lady you better be great yourself and also great to her (as she should be to you).
Thank you so much for the thorough response. I always enjoy your point of view. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words Jen!
Doc,
I had similar problem with great girl. I didnt understand that since I couldnt see that because my IL was high. After 8 months after breakup, where my IL dropped below 50% in her I start seeing and realising things that completed my puzzle about relationship. Now I know that she is great girl, but also broken and not for me.
Thank you Doc, system showed me right path 🙂
I appreciate your comments – you are spot on
Outstanding post, Doc! This poor woman has a big emotional void that no one can fill. At the beginning of the relationship, her urgent and constant demand for Howard’s attention was a desperate attempt to fill that void, and I’ll bet that’s how all of her relationships have gone. When one guy fails to meet her impossible neediness, she drops him and moves on to the next guy – same story all over again. I was shocked when this happened to me, but your (Doc’s) book and articles helped me understand. This woman needs therapy, not a partner. When a guy meets a woman like this, he must RUN, not walk, in the opposite direction.
You can’t fix some things nor should you try – thanks for writing – great comments.
Damn straight! I needed to read this. Just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship because of a cheating woman who didn’t have the character for a long term relationship. Remember, guys, you have to always be evaluating her for the long term. I knew 10 months in that my girl was no good. Did I man up and end it? No, I took her back, I bent the rules of the System, and now I’ve wasted an extra year of my life. When it comes to a woman or the System, choose the System every time, because the right woman won’t go against it. Gotta have standards and stick to your guns guys. Don’t throw good advice out the window.
The System is a common sense approach to dating because it’s based on what thousands of GOOD women told me they respond to from a guy they have HIGH Interest Level in so you are right – it is impossible for The System not to work on the type of woman you want for the long haul.