1 Dating Women Advice: His Approach To Dating Is Wrong
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I started dating Sasha four months ago, and she’s been my girlfriend for the last three months. I’m 23 and she’s 21. She’s caring, considerate and fun, and she often says how much she enjoys being with me. Once when I had to go to the airport, she offered to give me a lift there, and for my birthday she bought me a movie voucher. I recently introduced her to my mother, and for the first time she told me she loved me (and by the way, I did not say “I love you” back to her).
I have, however, noticed quite a few behaviors of hers that seem passive aggressive. Often when we are out on a date and I ask her questions like “What would you like to do now?” or “Where should we go?” she says “I don’t mind.” It gets on my nerves when she keeps giving me this automatic response. It’s like she doesn’t want to say what she really wants to do because she’s afraid it might offend me, and it makes me feel like she doesn’t want to have any input into the date.
Before Sasha and I were in a relationship, she had guys messaging her for dates. I’ve found after we’ve been officially together for nearly three months that she is still maintaining contact with at least one of these guys. We occasionally go to parties together, and when she drinks alcohol, she becomes a very mean-spirited drunk.
We recently went on a harbor cruise together. Sasha got quite drunk and revealed in front of a number of people that she would never consider moving in with a guy for at least five years. She also ran her fingers down another guy’s body to compliment his shirt, and I found her chatting with yet another guy at the back of the boat. While I didn’t hear what was said, I am fairly certain that she was interested in this guy. Sasha has also told her best friends a lot of details about our romantic life, and she made those details very open to other people on the cruise as well.
Doc, I’m not sure what to do about Sasha now. I don’t feel like these are problems that I can talk to her about because the last time I tried she said “If you don't want to be with me just say so.” I’ve dumped a lot of women after following your advice and I’m just not sure I can do it again without feeling guilty.
Any input from you would be appreciated.
Padraig - who doesn’t want to go through another breakup
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Padraig,
You know how I feel about 21-year-olds. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “They’re big girls, but they’re not grown-up women.” (and I would say the same thing about guys that age!)
So you have to be very, very cautious when you’re dating one of these girls. It would be better if you were 25 and she was 24, because as it is, Sasha is not completely emotionally mature yet.
Now, as far as her indecisiveness on your dates goes, you’ve got everything wrong. YOU are supposed to be the leader. All she’s supposed to do is go along for the ride. It’s not her responsibility to set the date up – that’s your responsibility. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re supposed to be leading the march.”
You’re not supposed to ask Sasha what she wants to do – you’re supposed to TELL her what you’re going to do. If she wants to do something different, she can ask you out on a date and then TELL you what you are going to do. I see that you don’t have my book, dude – or if you do, it didn’t sink in.
If it gets on your nerves that Sasha keeps handing you an automatic response when you ask her what she wants to do, why would you keep doing the same thing over and over? If you’re getting the same stupid results, why do you keep pounding Sasha again and again on the same subject?
Of course there’s no point at all to feeling offended. You’re the one in charge of the date. Be a man.
Plan the date and don’t even ask Sasha’s opinion. If she wants to do something different, she’ll bring it up and again if she asked you out then she would have been in charge of the date. Padraig, you’re trying to force this woman into making all of your date plans for you. Again, it’s obvious that you didn’t read and memorize “The System,” where all of this is explained in great detail.
You mention that Sasha has a drinking issue. Buddy, your problem is not that Sasha doesn’t want to make dates with you or tell you what she wants to do on dates. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Your problem is that she’s in love with Jack Daniels.” To you Psych majors, what this means is that she’s NOT girlfriend material.
A girl that you’re dating should be bringing up marriage after two years, not announcing to the world in front of you, her boyfriend, that she won’t consider living with someone until after five years. This woman is a ding-dong. To boot, when she’s bombed, she’s got a big mouth and she likes to feel up other men. No, Padraig, you don’t have any problems with this one at all!
But you’re worried about breaking up with Sasha despite her many issues, not the least of which is booze. Let me explain something to all you guys out there: never feel guilty for dropping a drunk.
Remember, guys: if she likes the bottle more than she likes you, you have to get rid of her.
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