WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
Here's a guy that just "winged it" and now he's paying the price with LOW INTEREST LEVEL on her part.
Read on...
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I’ve read a lot of your columns and have learned a lot.
I started working with Monica five months ago. We are both in our upper twenties. I have not had a serious relationship in six or seven years. I’m a pretty outgoing and adventurous guy and always make Monica laugh. She was in a long distance relationship and broke up with the guy a couple of months ago. She and I have been hanging out a lot. Since her break-up, we’ve started making out but not sleeping together. I love spending time with Monica and I believe she feels the same about me. I have a feeling that her break-up may have been induced on my account, but I didn’t even hint of making a move until it was over between them.
Monica was always kind of worried about the fact that we work together and that if things happened to go bad it might get awkward. I felt that I was mature enough for that not to happen, and at first I didn’t even think of taking this “fun” relationship past the fooling around level.
Recently, while lying in my bed, Monica said that she’s really confused and didn’t want me to get hurt. I know what it meant -- I’m out. After a little digging, I found out that she got the feeling that I was ready for a relationship and she wasn’t. But at the moment, I’m really busy and not sure I even have time for a girlfriend. I know that Monica is probably on the rebound and we haven’t known each other long at all. She also admitted that she has kissed a couple other guys since the break-up with her ex. She has always dated older guys and admitted that she still has feelings for one of her old “bad boy” exes from a few years ago.
Doc, I feel like I’ve been too nice a guy to Monica. Am I falling into the dreaded friend zone or am I done for completely? Monica still wants to fool around with me, but I get the feeling it’s just because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Any chance of getting her Interest Level back up, or am I wasting my time?
Wilborn - who is as confused as ever
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Wilborn,
You’ve learned a lot, but think about this: how much more would you have learned if you’d had “The System?” The truth is that if you’d had my book, you wouldn’t be writing me this letter right now.
Now let me explain something to you. You should not be hanging out a lot with Monica. When you’re off work, you shouldn’t be hanging out with her at all. You should be DATING this girl.
When you date a girl, you make each date special. After every date, her Interest Level will go up three to five points. But you don’t know that, and you don’t know how to do it because you don’t have my book.
Now let me ask you this: did you fully discuss with Monica that her relationship with her ex was totally and completely over?
Did you make sure that they weren’t talking on the phone, emailing or texting each other? To you Psych majors, you have to be 100% sure that her ex is GONE, FINISHED, OUT OF THE PICTURE.
When you want a girl to be your girlfriend, you have to come right out and ask her: “Are you talking to any of your exes? Do you have any feelings for any of your exes?” Once you go over that ground and you’re certain she’s free and clear, then you can make her your girlfriend.
Again, my book covers this material in depth, but you’re at a disadvantage because you don’t have “The System”
How does Monica know it’s going to get awkward at work if something happens between the two of you? Was she dropping a big hint? And when you say that you don’t know whether you want to take your relationship beyond the fooling around level, you’re just fooling yourself, Wilborn. You’re RATIONALIZING, which is what most men do when they don’t want to face reality.
Why are you even talking about fooling around? You dig this girl, dude. That’s why you wrote this letter!
Let me explain something else to you: anytime a girl even utters the word “confused” in your presence, you’re DEAD. When Monica observed that you were ready for something heavy and she wasn’t, that was Womanese for your Interest Level is higher than a kite, and hers is only 60%.
Now wait a minute here. Monica’s been kissing other guys since she dumped her ex?
I thought you took over once the ex was history. Where are these other dudes coming from? In other words, there are other guys lurking in the background, and that’s a huge no-no. Then you came to find out that Monica has feelings for one of these exes – which should have been cleared up when you started fooling around with her. You should have told her in no uncertain terms that you didn’t want any exes in the background. You didn’t tie this thing down, Wilborn.
You read my columns but you didn’t buy my book, which would have taken care of this issue and you wouldn’t be in this mess right now. Now you have to run around your workplace digging a girl who doesn’t dig you back – just like she said!
You’re not in the friend zone, guy – you’re just OUT. Monica had some initial Interest Level in you, but you didn’t go by the rules of my book and that’s why she started messing around with these other guys — end of story. Then she started talking about older guys and bad boys.
You never owned this woman's feelings, Wilborn. Her Interest Level was never in the 90s and yours was, and that’s your problem.
How do you know Monica doesn’t want to hurt your feelings? You don’t know what’s going on in her head. Do you have a crystal ball on your desk? The truth is that you know very little about her.
From your letter it’s hard for me to fathom that you read my columns and didn’t get my book. Huge mistake, buddy. If you had, Monica would be all over you right now and she would have forgotten all the other guys she plays around with.
So, yes, you’re wasting your time now. But you didn’t handle the entire relationship properly from the beginning, and now you’re paying for it.
Remember, guys: when you use “The System,” your odds of being successful with women rise dramatically.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Great article again Doc. I have a question why would Caprice setup and follow through with a 1st date, but when Tom (i.e. myself) asks her for a 2nd date she rejects it although everything went fine the first time (had her laughing and playing with her hair). Lowered interest level? Does Tom throw away her number and never ask her out again? Tom will be a classy gent and continue talking to her when bumping into her to show the rejection didn’t matter.
Hi Ray,
As you know there could be a million reasons why she displays HIGH INTEREST LEVEL on date 1 and YOU’RE OUT by date 2 but we don’t worry about that – it’s all the BOTTOM LINE FACTOR. That’s why I tell you guys that you can’t make her your girlfriend until you’re 10-12 dates in with no RED FLAGS because you just don’t know until then.
Thanks for writing – and you’re right – always be classy!