WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
Here's a guy that willingly got himself trapped in the friend zone and for some reason he refuses to extract himself!!!
Read on...
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I am 38 and started using “The System” eight years ago. I totally agree with it, from the way it weeds out “undesirable” ladies, to always keeping it humorous, and even to small points like not offering dates on weekends. It is well thought out and very effective. My only issue is finding somebody I would actually want to be with in the long term, until recently.
I met Darya, 25, a year ago when she was working at the mall. My attraction was instant and we talked for a bit. I didn’t ask for her number right away because I was still in the process of breaking up with my current girl. Anyway, I went back to the mall and asked for her number. She gave it to me, but said it would have to be platonic because she had a new boyfriend. We became friends on Facebook instead.
Six months later we exchanged messages and had coffee together. She told me that she was still seeing the guy but wouldn’t want to lose the opportunity to have a great friendship with me. My gut told me that her Interest Level in this guy was dropping and she was curious what else was out there. I tried to arrange a one on one picnic date, which she seemed open to. She changed this at the last moment though, asking me to come to her house for a small backyard party where she would be having a few friends. Her boyfriend wouldn’t be there because he had to work.
I knew this wasn’t my best option, but I genuinely liked this girl and believed we have a lot to offer each other. I didn’t know anybody there, but entered with a joke and got everybody laughing right away. I could feel Darya watching me the whole time, her Interest Level growing. By the end of the night I would say it was at least 85%. When the party was over, she gave me a long hug and said “I really hope
I can see you again soon.” I received a text from her the next morning saying how I was a really good guy and that I was welcome any time.
I’m not sure if you’ll like what I did next, but I knew Darya was interested and I wanted to use that to tempt her out of her relationship, so I replied “Of all the girls I’ve met you are definitely one of the most interesting.” The idea was to dangle the carrot a bit and show her Challenge.
Doc, how would you approach this? Darya seems to be a reliable, Flexible Giver. I believe she has Integrity and would never cheat on her boyfriend, but it seems her interest in him has dropped. Why else would she bring me around now? I know I can’t just be her buddy. I think she needs to know I am a viable option but at the same time a Challenge. It would be awful to be able to score with all of these girls I care little for, but have the one I really want slip through my hands.
Dallas - who needs a good move
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Dallas,
Of course it’s not always easy to find someone you want to be with. But once you have “The System” down, you will be at an advantage because you will then be able to keep her once you find her. Most men know how to make a woman fall in love, but they don’t know how to KEEP her in love. And that’s where my program has a distinct upside over any other.
Of course your attraction to Darya was instantaneous – she’s gorgeous and 13 years younger than you! But that age difference is a bit of a Red Flag. If Darya was 10 years older, it would be much better for you because a 25-year-old will max out with a man who’s 29, 30 or 31. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re out of her age range, Pops.”
So Darya gave you her phone number because she wants to be friends. FRIENDS. There is an entire chapter in my book on FRIENDS that explains all the differences between types of friends, and the last thing you want to be is any one of them.
To you Psych majors, it’s better to be a stranger and try to get a date with a woman than to be her friend and try to switch to being her romantic interest.
It’s almost impossible to change from being friends to being romantic with a woman. That subject is completely explained in “The System,” and you say you’ve been reading it for eight years? How did you miss that chapter, Dallas?
Then you and she got together for coffee – as FRIENDS. Again, that awful word — friends. She told you outright that you were friends and nothing more. Your gut might have been telling you that Darya’s interest in her boyfriend was dropping, but not enough for her to get rid of him. This guy has to be completely GONE, out of the picture, for you to have a chance at this babe.
Meanwhile, you’re wasting your precious time in the dreaded Friendship Zone.
It was okay that you went to Darya’s party. At least you were in front of her face trying to sell her on what a great personality you have. But the problem is that you know NOTHING about this woman and you don’t know what, if anything, she has to offer you. You haven’t been out with her. You’ve spent no time with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “All you have is a big fantasy in your head about what she is.”
Let me explain something to you: Darya’s Interest Level in you can’t grow until the other guy is completely gone. Your estimate of her 85% interest is nothing but an illusion. Sure she wants to see you again soon – as a brother or as a friend. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Or as a free comedian for her next party.” You keep saying she’s interested in you, but NOT enough to get rid of her boyfriend. That’s what you’re refusing to see.
It was alright to tell Darya that she was interesting because you’re nothing but a friend, and that’s what you’re always going to be. You’re not working Challenge with Darya because she knows that you know that she has a boyfriend. It’s impossible for you to work Challenge in that kind of situation.
What I would do is ask Darya if she has a girlfriend for you. That would be the only way you could possibly work up any interest from her.
Dude, you can’t say Darya is a reliable, Flexible Giver. You don’t have six months in with her, and it would take six months to find that out. Again, you say her interest in this other guy has dropped, but not enough to where he’s history.
My friend, you’re just PROJECTING what you want.
Darya is kissing this guy and you’re in the Friendship Zone – get it? She’s bringing you around now only because she likes you as an older brother or an uncle type to be friends with.
Let me explain something very simple and fundamental to you, Dallas, since you seem to have missed it in my book: THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP IS THE WOMAN’S INTEREST LEVEL, and Darya has higher interest in her boyfriend than she does in you — her friend.
Remember, guys: don’t play in the Friendship Zone, because you’ll never get out of it.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Doc, it’s really strange. We read and we study your materials, but the moment that we need to be real men, we stop using that knowledge.
I read this story, and to be honest, with each paragraph of yours I thought “well, that’s obvious, of course it’s that way,”. But I don’t know why do we start lying to ourselves (male’s ego) and become blind (male’s interest level) as we meet a chick.
Doc, do you think it has a kind of cognitive underlying thing related to it? Like when we meet a chick, our brain releases some sort of neurotransmitter that paralyzes our logic and our cognition.
Me for example, I’m very interested in beautiful women. Not one or two, like all of’em. Even when I have a gorgeous beautiful girlfriend, still seeing another one makes me insane like hell, and I have to try really hard to control myself.
Maybe this can be an opportunity for some chemist to figure out a product that decreases male’s interest level instantly. That would sell I think.
Males are always on the pursuit – goes back to our caveman days and it’s built into our biology. If you cannot commit to one girl then don’t – there is nothing wrong with just dating as long as you’re honest with the women you date (and yourself). If you do commit, however, be LOYAL to the woman you commit to. The product you speak of would probably make billions, ha ha, thanks for writing!