WHAT'S THE 411 ON THIS ARTICLE?
Simple to understand for everyone but my reader. What's that? She started out as a friend and will always be that. It didn't stop him from wasting 5 years of his life trying to make it something different.
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME LIKE THIS!
Read on...
READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
Mackenzie and I went to college together, started out as friends but there was always more to it, not just on my end but on hers as well. One day we exploded into more than friends but only on a part-time basis. Shortly afterwards she decided that she wanted another guy, but the guy didn’t want her.
I immediately cut everything off, but Mackenzie and I remained friends. I thought that we had a great connection, and she even said she felt the same way, but then to toss me aside for some other, better-looking guy really hurt me. Well, it never worked out for her and the guy and I went ahead and dated other people. I had relationships with two other girls that didn’t work out and for the past four months I’ve been single.
I always felt that Mackenzie still had feelings for me, and I of course had them for her. When we first started something years earlier we were both 21. Now we’re 26 and I think time and maturity has done a lot for the both of us. Well, now Mackenzie and I have found ourselves living in the same city again. We’ve started hanging out, doing fun things together, just like old times, only better. She told me that she regretted trying to date that other guy she dropped me for. I told her that I wanted to date her and she said that she has feelings for me, but thought that I may be still dealing with issues from the past girlfriends. I assured her that I’m not.
Sometimes I would try and kiss Mackenzie and she would dodge me. The other night she asked me if I cared about her and wanted to be with her always. I said yes, and she kissed me, and we stayed the night together, but without being romantic. A few days later, she came over to my house and we were sitting on the couch and she wouldn’t kiss me -- again. She told me that she gets scared sometimes. What does that mean???
Bottom line is that I’m crazy about this girl and she told me she’s crazy about me. I could see myself being with her until the day I die, and I think she feels the same way, but I feel like she’s putting a little space between us. I need coaching so I don’t screw this up.
Benedict - who doesn’t know what to do
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DOC LOVE'S ANSWER
Hi Benedict,
What you are telling me is that you’ve been buddies with a girl for years and that she has no interest in you and that YOU are the one with ALL of the interest. When Mackenzie walked away from you for another guy, she didn’t walk away with high Interest Level in you.
She walked away from you because she had NO Interest Level.
And she didn’t really walk away from anything, because her interest in you was never there to begin with. The interest in this relationship exists ONLY on your part.
Like most men, you’re projecting your Interest Level onto Mackenzie, and she doesn’t have any.
What do you mean that you remained friends with Mackenzie? You mean you decided to spend all kinds of time with a girl who doesn’t care about you on a romantic level? To you Psych majors, of course you can be cordial when you see your ex, but to remain friends with her is stupid. It’s a complete waste of your valuable time.
I’ve got news for you, Benedict. Mackenzie didn’t leave you because of this other guy’s looks. She left because of her high Interest Level in him. And she left you because she never dug you.
Then you tell me indirectly about two other girls who dropped you. Dude, you have to get hold of “The System” as soon as possible. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re getting butchered by these women!”
But you insist that you and Mackenzie had feelings for each other. Let me repeat again: she never had any feelings for you. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it! What more proof do you need than that this woman won’t even kiss you?
Your age and Mackenzie’s age has nothing to do with what happened here. This thing has only to do with the woman’s emotions and Interest Level. Mackenzie doesn’t show any Interest Level in you at all other than as a friend or brother.
You say that you and Mackenzie are having a great time together since you started hanging out again.
Guy, all she’s doing is keeping you around until she finds a new man she’s really interested in. Doesn’t it tell you something that when you’ve been with her for five years, from the age of 21 to 26, that when you try to kiss her she wants nothing to do with you?
Benedict, do you realize all the women you could have been out with in those five years? And that some of them may have liked you – not like Mackenzie? Has this occurred to you at all? And has it occurred to you that you’ve lost five great, irreplaceable years of your youth with a woman who doesn’t care for you?
When Mackenzie gets scared, it means that your Interest Level is 95% and hers is 45% and she feels uncomfortable being around someone who’s putting heavy indirect pressure on her. I know you’re crazy about this babe, Benedict, but she has absolutely ZERO feelings for you other than as a friend or brother.
Of course she’s putting space between the two of you. She has to if she’s feeling all kinds of pressure from you. And like my cousin Jethro Love says, “You think it’s a gopher hole, but it’s really the Grand Canyon!”
There’s nothing to screw up here, pal. This thing was dead five years ago, from the very beginning.
Remember, guys: once a friend, always a friend.
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