Hey Doc,

I’ve read your columns and they are excellent. I respect your advice a lot and you are the most honest man in the world in terms of relationship advice. I’d love your coaching in this situation.

I’m a 38-year-old man and have never had a relationship in my life. By way of background, I was an extremely shy teenager, and I’m a bit timid and a loner as an adult. I’ve been judged as a bit strange and weird by women and men alike, and women sadly just ignore me except for a case I’ll mention below. Sadly, this oddness is the opposite of what I wish to project. The ironic part of this is that I’m a professional, my clients like me, I’m very good socially with them, and my business ratings are very good. On the flip side, my behavior with colleagues in the past has been misunderstood and I’ve been fired a few times. So it’s a frustrating situation to say the least, as it is always my intent to be kind and never negative in any way.

I’m unsure if my problems are because I’m an unattractive man (which I’ve sometimes suspected) or if it is my misunderstood behavior that pushes women away. I have this hang-up where I’m happy with myself when looking in the mirror, but in pictures I think I look hideous. I’ve also suspected from the tender age of 14 that being unattractive was the problem even though few people have ever said this to my face. The irony is that most people say I’m not ugly, that I’m average looking, but I’m a bit unkempt in appearance. However, I’m not sure if they’re saying I’m not ugly to avoid hurting my feelings.

Now, on to this situation with a woman I tried asking out. I’ve bantered with this convenience store clerk, a very attractive woman of about 30, and struck up a conversation with her a few times and made her laugh with my self-deprecating behavior. After I felt she was comfortable, I asked her if she had a boyfriend and told her that I’d take her out on a date. She mentioned she was married, showed me her ring, and said “That’s sweet of you.” She seemed flattered, but the woman she was working with thought I was shady or strange, which matches what other people have thought of me in the past.

Doc, what do you think of my predicament? Basically, I’m not sure if I’m unattractive or perhaps my confidence just needs a boost.

Bennie - who feels like the saddest hopeless case of all time

Hi Bennie,

I appreciate that you call me honest and love my columns, but in your letter you’re missing the single most essential thing: you haven’t ordered my book.  “THE SYSTEM” is the key to your problems. If you subscribe to my program and do everything that I tell you, it will bring out the better parts of your personality.

So if you’ve never had a relationship in your life, you have to first of all get my book. Then you’ll get into a dance class, which will teach you how to talk to women. Next you’ll join Toastmasters, where you will give speeches in front of crowds, and that will develop your Self-Confidence with women. (Remember, half the people at Toastmasters are women!) Then you’ll join an improv class where you’ll learn to be light and funny and think on your feet.

All of these activities will bring out the best in your personality. You have a ton of work to do, Bennie.

However, you did the right thing by writing to me – provided you do everything I tell you to do. You do have a long way to go, but you are on the right path, my friend.

Another thing you have to do is figure out what you’re doing wrong to turn people off. You tell me nothing but generalities in your letter, so what, specifically, are you doing to make people think you’re weird? If lots of people think you’re weird, then maybe you are.

What you have to do is follow my program and you’ll get rid of that crippling weirdness. In addition, if you follow my coaching, you’ll study Cary Grant movies, and you’ll copy his behavior and make yourself charming.

It’s good that you’re sharp in business, because you should be able to carry it over into your personal life. But if you’re getting fired, you have to figure out why. Again, “The System” will help you to solve this problem.

Regarding your physical appearance, you have to be evaluated, guy. Are you in the best shape you can be? Do you dress sharply? Is your hair neatly cut? Are your fingernails clean? Do you wear stylish shoes? You say that you are unkempt in appearance. Why? Why haven’t you done something to upgrade your appearance? You need to find a life coach to teach you how to dress and clean up your apartment and otherwise make yourself presentable and desirable. It sounds like you need an entire transformation of your appearance, Bennie. And from your interaction with the convenience store clerk, it sounds like you might be okay in business, but with women you’re an “F,” sorry to say. This is where “The System” will be your salvation.

What do I think of your predicament? You can do something about it if you follow my program. First of all, get “The System” ASAP and memorize it. Like I said, you have much work to do. But there’s hope for you, buddy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “There are many unattractive guys with Beautiful Women hanging off their arms.” And I happen to have lots of unattractive students who do well with women — even Beautiful Women – because their personalities are nothing short of PHENOMENAL after I train them.

Remember, guys: if you do what I tell you, I guarantee women will never look at you the same.