She's his girlfriend but she won't give him her number - WHAT???!!!

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Hey Doc,

I met Summer online, then we proceeded to talk on the phone to get to know each other. After a month, we went on dates once or twice a week and now we’ve been in a relationship for five months. When it started, she flirted with other men and sent them pictures of herself. I put my foot down and told her to stop or I would leave. She picked me and cut off her other ties.

Since then Summer’s given our relationship her all, but she was still going through a divorce. Her husband was an abuser and she told me she never loved him. Now she’s in the process of finalizing the divorce. Things have gotten more serious between us. She told me she loved me and that she would love one day to have my children and carry my name.

I have had the hunch that Summer’s ex is stalking her and that she’s allowing it to happen. One night we went to a bar and I had the feeling that we were being watched by him. Summer said that I was being paranoid (I have PTSD from my Iraq war experiences). But after I dropped Summer off that night and left her apartment, I got into my car and found myself boxed in by her husband’s car. Summer came running out, jumped into his car without even looking at me, and they took off.

The next morning she called and said that nothing had happened between them and that she does love me. Shortly thereafter she went out of state to her sister’s wedding. She asked me to come and pick her up from the airport, which I did. But later that night she sent me an email saying she changed her phone number and didn’t want anyone else but her family and coworkers having it. Occasionally she would email me or message me on Facebook but still wouldn’t give me her number. I got fed up and told her that if she doesn’t want to be with me then I wanted my things back. At that point she said she guesses she doesn’t want to be with me.

Doc, I’ve since discovered that Summer has all kinds of messy family issues. I’m so lost. How can a woman who says she loves me and wants to be with me need time now? I understand that she had an abusive marriage and that her mother passed away and that these things have affected her, but she seems to have closed herself up. I love Summer, but don’t know if she loves me. What can I do to get her back?

Magnus - who is in a state of despair

Hi Magnus,

In the very first sentence of your letter you lay out a huge problem. You don’t talk on the phone to get to know one another. You go out on dates so that you can observe her body language. Dude, you can’t see her body language on the phone. THE PHONE IS USED TO GET THE DATE – that’s all.

Then you made another mistake. You don’t put your foot down in this situation. If you’re going out with a woman and she’s flirting with other men, you just don’t ask her out for two or three weeks. When she calls you up and says, “How come you’re not asking me out anymore,” you answer “I thought you were in love with all those other guys.” Next!

But you believe that Summer picked you and cut off all her other guys. Really? That’s what Summer said. But how do you know what she really did? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “That’s another story altogether.”

Now let me get this straight. You’re telling me that Summer’s husband is an abuser, and that she never loved him? What if that’s going to be you, too? To you Psych majors, if she’s like that with him, she’ll be like that with you. That’s human nature. Maybe she’s not in love with you at all, Magnus. Maybe she can’t fall in love with anybody because she’s such a flake.

Let me say here that I’m very sorry that you carry an affliction as a result of the Iraq war. But I appreciate that you were out there protecting me and my fellow Americans, my friend.

So, you found yourself boxed in by Summer’s husband’s car. Man, what a mess this is! And she didn’t even...

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