Hey Doc,

​

I’m 28 and I’ve read your column for the past 10 years, and just recently got “The System” because I have no doubt you know what you’re talking about. The simplicity -- and harshness -- of your coaching is something that I haven’t seen anywhere else. You always cut through the crap.

Krystal is 22. I’ve been dating her for nine months. She is all over me, says she wants to marry me and have kids, and that she would like to move in with me at the end of the year. I treat all this with ease and lightness and no rush.

One week night eight months in, she went to dinner with her college classmates (mostly females). She was supposed to come back to my place and go to the gym with me the next day (I am a personal trainer). Anyway, after dinner she ended up going out to dance and came back after the clubs closed, all the while knowing that I had to get up early to work. She said she was sorry for the late hour and for interrupting my sleep. I didn’t know how to react, so I kept my Self-Control and didn’t say anything.

A month later on a weekday I suggested we go out separately. I went to eat with some friends, and she went for drinks with a girlfriend. The plan was to meet at my place afterwards, at around 11 o’clock. When I got back home I received a text from Krystal telling me that she would be there shortly. But she came back at 3 AM! When I asked if she had fun and where she went, she told me that they were at some guy’s apartment, a friend of her girlfriend (who happens to be a slut). So -- two girls and two guys.

I confronted her calmly and told her that she was being disrespectful for the late hours and not considering that I had to start work early the next day, and that I didn’t want it to happen again. She apologized profusely. I didn’t mention the fact that she was at the apartment of a guy she didn’t know, because I didn’t want to seem insecure.

A couple days later, she showed me her phone and said that one of the guys keeps writing to her, and she doesn’t want him to write to her anymore. So it turns out they exchanged numbers! I brushed it off as if it was nothing, because I didn’t know how to react or why she was showing me this stuff.

Immediately I withdrew to add more Challenge. All the while, Krystal never stopped treating me with great affection, cooking for me, and even cleaning my house sometimes.

My question is this: Krystal is a really sweet girl and I don’t think that she cheated, but her disrespect still bothers me and makes me think that I’ll have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life. Although she didn’t repeat any of this nasty behavior, I find myself wanting to leave her for good, but I’m also worried that she might really be an excellent girl that didn’t cheat but tested my boundaries.

Doc, am I being too paranoid? Should I just end it or be in the lookout for one more Red Flag?

Tripp - a student of “The System” who is uncomfortable

Hi Tripp,

It’s good that you’re taking it slowly with Krystal. And you don’t want to move in with her. What you’re going to do instead is study this girl before making any further moves. Here’s the problem, pal. You have six years’ age difference with this girl. If you were both in your fifties, say 56 and 50, it would be okay. But Krystal is only 22. In other words, she’s just coming out of the 18 to 22 year old danger zone or, as I like to call it, the “ding-dong stage”. And that’s a RED FLAG. If she were 25 or 26, it would be much better for you, Tripp.

While Krystal stayed out until 3 AM at some stranger’s apartment, you don’t know what happened there. But she gave you her word that she would be back at a certain time and she didn’t keep it. Being four whole hours late goes back to her being a 22-year-old ding-dong.

It was smart of you that you didn’t show insecurity and refrained from making an issue out of her lapses. But if Krystal loves you so much, why is she giving her number out to a strange guy? So you have a LOYALTY issue here, buddy. To boot, she can’t keep on time for her appointments. But what’s really sad in this situation is that you read my columns for 10 years before getting “The System.” If you had my book a lot sooner, you would have been able to handle this situation better from the get-go.

The reason Krystal was showing you stuff on her phone was because she wanted you...

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