Hey Doc,

I recently started dating Janine. I’m 23 and she’s 21. The first date was really good and there was definitely chemistry. The second date was the same, plus the added benefit of a lot of kissing and holding hands. We went out again the following night but things felt different. Janine was not nearly as into it and she said that:

a) she wants to take it “very, very slowly,” and

b) she doesn’t want our friends (we are in the same group) to know about us dating.

In retrospect, I don’t think I ever should have agreed to the second condition. It made me apprehensive about how to behave with Janine when we were around our friends and may have even made me look desperate to be with her. Anyway, that week was a whirlwind. She came to my house and stayed late on two separate occasions. She left food at my house and when I brought it to her the next morning, I surprised her with cupcakes. The following night I attended a play she was acting in, and then she came over to my house and stayed late again.

The next week Janine said she was too busy to go out because of her plays and her father’s upcoming surgery. The night before the surgery I stopped by her house to give her some thoughtful things to keep her busy while she was at the hospital during the surgery. The next night she came over to my house, very stressed out, and said that I was moving too fast and that we weren’t in an exclusive relationship.

From that point on, I slowed down. That weekend, our group of friends went to a resort for a long weekend, and everything fell apart. Janine and I had some decent chemistry the first day (I was of course on guard for tipping people off about our dating), but on the second night, we went out and she danced with everyone, including one of my friends who I knew liked her (but didn’t know we were going out). The next day, she was responding to that friend’s flirtation, including going into the hot tub with him. Later I told her how unacceptable it was that she was flirting with my friend. She apologized, said she didn’t notice she was flirting, and that she wasn’t interested in him.

Then she said that she was going to wait until after the trip to tell me that she doesn’t think we should continue dating, but that she hoped we could be friends. The following day, she continued flirting with my friend right in front of me. I told her that after the way she acted I couldn’t see how we could even be friends.

It hasn’t even been two weeks yet, and we’ve already seen each other (in the group setting) several times, and we will continue seeing each other at least once a week. I know I need to move on, but I’m still crazy about her and know that we will see a lot of each other.

How could I have handled things better? What should I do, considering that I’ll still be seeing a lot of Janine?

Dotson - who somehow screwed it up

Hi Dotson,

There shouldn’t have been a lot of kissing and holding hands on the second date. You’re supposed to kiss her on the doorstep on the SECOND date. And you’re not supposed to make out with her. You’re going TOO FAST.

Then you went out with Janine the very next night. Dotson, you’re supposed to WAIT A WEEK to call her. Dude, you’re KILLING CHALLENGE here. You’re going WAY too fast. Janine wasn’t into it because her Interest Level dropped from 95% to 80% -- a whole 15 points. But since you don’t have “The System,” you don’t know anything at all about Interest Level, which FLUCTUATES DEPENDING ON THE MAN’S DEPORTMENT.

It’s a good idea that Janine wants to take it very slowly. That’s what “The System” counsels – take it very, very slowly. And Janine shouldn’t be telling you that she wants to take it slowly. She should be telling you that you’re moving so slowly that she needs you to speed it up!

Janine’s right to not want your friends to know that you’re dating. It’s no one else’s business, especially your friends’, because you don’t know who is after her besides you. If you think it makes you look desperate to be around Janine, then you have to learn how to act. So what if you’re apprehensive? Like my cousin General Love says, “Get over it, soldier!”

Janine shouldn’t be...

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