Hey Doc,

I recently found out that my wife Marlee cheated on me. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for four. She met this guy a year ago at a wedding as they were both in the bridal party. I always thought the guy was a sleaze-bag, hitting on every woman he sees. He started sending Marlee messages about how beautiful she was and how in the world did I get her. (My wife is clearly out of my league, by the way).

Life has been very tough for Marlee and me. We’ve tried to have a baby and I’ve felt that she has resented me a bit due to my infertility problems, and she believes that I put my head in the sand and was hot and cold about having a child.

Anyway, she told me that this affair started a month after the other guy’s continual comments about her beauty. Apparently she felt guilt the entire time the affair was going on. Her friends at work told her not to tell me about the affair, but she did. She seems like she’s trying to put it behind her, but has found it hard because he kept saying all the right things to make her feel special. (She has low Self-Esteem).

When I discovered the affair two weeks ago I kicked her out and she went straight to the other guy to talk. He got scared off by the seriousness of ruining a marriage and told her he was busy, showing his real character!

Marlee and I are now trying to work through this mess but I’m finding it very hard. She says she has never done anything like this before, and is now beating herself up over what happened. Was I to blame by not being there for her during our infertility issues?

Doc, we both love each other to death.

Could you tell me what your thoughts are?

Rocco - who is devastated

Hi Rocco,

If you had an infertility problem, that’s something for the doctors to resolve. But why did you run hot and cold over having a child with Marlee? I’m not rationalizing her adultery, but were you supportive of her? The point is that when a woman wants a child and you’re not fully into it or only going along with the program halfheartedly, it’s going to build resentment up in her.

So, this other guy kept telling Marlee that she was beautiful. And that means that you weren’t telling her that she was beautiful. You were not working the Maintenance Program that “The System” recommends, which includes complimenting the wife. So when an outsider does it, your wife will love the strokes, which means she will be vulnerable to an affair.

Oh, I’m sure Marlee felt guilty the entire time the affair was going on -- but not quite guilty enough to stop. In her mind it went like this: “I feel so bad I can’t wait to go over to the other guy’s place and take all my clothes off!” So it’s just nothing but a huge rationalization on her part, Rocco.

Marlee’s work friends were right – she should never have brought up this affair to you. She should have just dropped the other guy and put the affair behind her. But many women for some reason feel compelled to reveal to their husbands or boyfriends that they’ve been cheating. Once that happens, the burden of pain and guilt shifts to the man, and the wife feels cleansed and purified! Nice, huh?

Now, if Marlee is afflicted with low Self-Esteem, why in the world did you marry her? To you Psych majors, YOU NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN WHO HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM. In “The System” I stress that you want a woman who has just the opposite – high Self-Esteem.

Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The lower the Self-Esteem, the quicker she is to commit adultery.” And your situation is proof of it, pal.