Hey Doc,

I’m 33 years young. Every night I listen to seven chapters of “The System.” I also listen faithfully to your radio show. You stated on the show that incoming group dates should be accepted, because anything incoming trumps the “no group dates” rule in your book. Does the same hold for incoming trip requests? I’m asking because I am seeing Kelly, who is 29 years young. We’re eight dates in (although she’s not hinting that she wants me to be the boyfriend yet) and she invited me on two upcoming trips.

The first trip is a four-day cruise (her friend dropped out so she invited me to take the spot before inviting one of her other friends), and the second is a four-day trip down in San Diego. She would be paying her half of the expenses and we’d be sharing a room in both cases.

I had thought that these invitations might be hints that she wanted me to be her boyfriend. But she said that this wasn’t her taking the next step with me (“We’re still building towards a relationship,” was the way she put it), but that she thought it would be fun to go with me on the trips. I’m actually out of the state for work on both occasions, so I expressed my regrets that I wouldn’t be able to go and countered with a date request for each, following “The System” rules.

However, assuming I wasn’t stuck on work assignments, should I have accepted her incoming invitations for these overnight trips? I had thought it was a pretty clear rule in your book to not do that (and I’d be uncomfortable sharing a room with Kelly before we became boyfriend/girlfriend), but thought I would ask you if the incoming date rule trumped the no trips rule.

This situation seems a little weird to me, so I’m treating it as a minor Red Flag since Kelly and I aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend yet. But I’m also flattered that she is comfortable enough with me to invite me along on these excursions.

Wes - who likes to keep to the rules

Hi Wes,

It’s great that you’re reading my book and listening to my show. You have to eat, sleep and dream “The System,” and when you belong to the Doc Love Club, you have access to hundreds of hours of audio that go back to 2011 (with new audio being released weekly). You need to listen to two or three of those per week. And when you do, you are accessing material from men around the world. Just last week alone I had callers from Greece and the Sudan.

Does an incoming trip invitation trump the no trips rule? Only if she’s your girlfriend. She has to ask you to be the boyfriend first, then she can take you on a trip. There is an order in the progression of events that has to observed. If Kelly asked you on a trip before she asked you to be her boyfriend, then she’s following the wrong order. She needs to ask you, “Are you seeing anyone else” first, which is Womanese for “I want to be your girlfriend.” 

To repeat, Kelly has the order of business mixed up.

You shouldn’t be sharing a room with Kelly. The later you become physically intimate with a woman, the better. At this point, you need to find out what’s going on in this woman’s head. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you share a room, you’re going to have sex, which clouds all judgment.” So you can’t go on this trip, pal. Typically, there should be no trips together for at least six months. Most guys blow it when they go on a trip with a woman.

They can usually follow “The System” for two or three hours, but in two or three days the old them always comes out. And once they get into the same bed as the woman, all Self-Control is out the window.

Dude, why did you bring up the subject of taking the next step? When you’re building a relationship, it doesn’t include trips. That comes after she asks you to be the boyfriend. So you shouldn’t have brought this subject up. What do I always tell you guys? Keep it light, keep it funny, and no heavy subjects. And this is a heavy subject. Basically, what Kelly told you was that she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. She might have high Interest Level, but you should never have gotten into this discussion with her. You lost points and face here, Wes.

The fact that Kelly told you that it would be fun to have you on the trips shows she has high interest, but you don’t take a trip unless you have six months in with her and she’s your girlfriend. That said, I’m glad you were busy and couldn’t accept the invitations because it gave you an out. Otherwise, you might have gone, and it was way too soon to accept her incoming invite. So the good part is that you told her NO. To you Psych majors, when you tell a woman no, she likes you more. Most guys think you have to tell a woman yes, but actually it’s the opposite. And saying  no shows you have a life and a backbone. And she has to work harder to get you – ideally, asking you to be her boyfriend.

So again, the incoming date rule does not trump the no trips rule. But this isn’t a minor Red Flag, Wes. In a sense, when Kelly asked you to go on a trip with her, it was almost as good as asking you to be the boyfriend. She does want to spend a couple of days with you and it is incoming, so that’s all positive.

But you’re not going to do anything until she asks you to be the boyfriend. Kelly has high Interest Level in you, but like I said earlier, she has the order of action wrong. FIRST she asks you to be her boyfriend. THEN you have to get six months in with her. THEN you go on a trip together. But you cannot discuss this with her. You cannot sit down and talk it out with her. You still have to study my book and listen to more archived Doc Love Club Radio Shows so you don’t mess this thing up.

Remember, guys: until she’s your girlfriend and you have six months in with her, don’t go on any trips together.