Tell Her You Don’t Love Her Anymore?
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Hey Doc,
I’m 28 years old and I’ve been with Sandy, who’s 27, for seven years.
When we met we were both were totally infatuated with each other. After five years of happiness, discounting the occasional argument over household matters, we got married.
Shortly into the marriage I made a mistake and told Sandy I didn’t love her. We had gotten into an argument and I felt a bit of the “spark” between us disappearing. I didn’t really mean what I said, and I regret it now.
Afterwards Sandy seemed to keep finding attention from other guys. She would get involved in conversations with some of my friends, or guys she knew in the past. At first I didn’t mind, until one day when we were at my friend’s house and got into an argument. Sandy told me she wanted me to leave. She also told me she was considering getting “romantic” with my friend, if you catch my drift. (My friend wouldn’t have done it, by the way.)
This left me devastated. Afterwards she still talked to my friend, and once she sneaked out to hang with him, which I found out through him. Given what she had said about getting romantic with him, I kicked her out.
Since then our relationship has gone back and forth. I don’t want her talking to other guys, and she thinks I should trust her and not question what she does. We have been separated for three months, and until very recently she was still considering coming back.
I recently found out that Sandy went out with a guy she met on Facebook. She told me it was totally innocent, that they’re just friends, and that she just wanted to talk to someone and have fun. I don’t believe they have kissed, but I want to quash this and move on with our lives. She is not communicating with me much anymore, and I’m sure her Interest Level is pretty low. Part of me thinks I should just give up, but I know she still loves me, and she hasn’t been fooling around with anyone else. But knowing that she’s hanging out with other guys hurts, and I’d like to figure out a way to make her interested in “us” again.
Should I just accept the fact that she’s going to have some male friends and forgive her? How can I get her back into this? I’ve invested seven years, and I don’t want to give up yet.
I literally just started reading your articles today; Doc. It’s funny how people flounder around in relationships without any training, especially when it’s such a huge part of our lives! I’ll definitely be purchasing your book. Thanks, and I hope you find time to reply.
Basil - who’s finding it rough going
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Hi Basil,
Let me tell you something. If the American male would like a true aphrodisiac for his wife, it’s doing household chores. If you’d been handling 60% of the chores or just 15 to 20 minutes a day of housework, you wouldn’t have had an occasional argument. And by the way, when you say “occasional,” are you talking about twice a year -- or twice a week? Arguments lower Interest Level -- especially the woman’s. What you’re saying here, Basil is actually a huge deal.
Pal, I don’t know what you were thinking when you blurted out that you didn’t love your wife. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Other than commit adultery, you can’t do anything worse to lower a woman’s Interest Level and hurt her feelings than tell her you don’t love her.”
You felt the spark going, and notice that again you’re bringing up arguments. Apparently your arguments with your wife weren’t all that occasional. To you Psych majors, arguments are like water on a fire, so when you argue, the spark will disappear.
Of course Sandy finds attention from other guys – because you are out. You just told her you didn’t love her, so what would you expect? She’s going to find attention from someone else. That’s what women do. Once their Interest Level drops from 65% to 55%, they start looking around. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “They’re not going to go it alone.”
Then you were at your friend’s house and got into yet another argument. Basil, are you sure you know what the word “occasional” means? I get your drift about what Sandy was up to, and the drift is this: you’re finished. With that fight, Sandy’s Interest Level went from 51% to 49%. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re dead in the love department with this woman, married or not.”
But you swear that your friend wouldn’t have gotten romantic with your wife. Want to bet a million bucks on it, pal? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’ll give you 10 to 1 odds she’s at his place right now!” He’s talking to her, isn’t he? He’s going along with all this sneaking around, right? Some friend! Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, your friend is a traitor!”
So you ended up kicking out a woman who doesn’t like you. You didn’t kick out one with 95% Interest Level, you kicked one out with 45% Interest Level. Oh, you’re so strong, tough guy!
The reason your relationship has gone back and forth, Basil, is because that’s what women do when they have an Interest Level of 40% to 49%. They go back and forth and back and forth and they finally dump you at 39%, unlike the male, who gets out at 49%.
You have no right to question what Sandy does because she doesn’t dig you anymore on a romantic level. But you believe that she’s considering coming back. Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “I hope you don’t never toss the dice in Vegas, because you’re going to get cleaned out!”
Sandy may have gone out with a guy from Facebook, but it’s a non-issue. Of course she’s going to go out. All you should be thinking about is how her Interest Level was 95% at one time and now it’s only 45%. None of this other stuff – her sneaking around and talking to other guys – matters in the least at this point. Once a woman’s Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re ancient history, even if she stops by your place once in awhile.
But you insist that her date was innocent. Uh, yeah, and I got some swampland down in Georgia that I want to sell you. Basil, I don’t care if they kissed or not. She’s out in the company of another male -- don’t you get it?
Ah, but she still loves you, you insist. You guys kill me. You’ll do anything to protect your EGO, and that’s all you’re doing here. Your wife goes out with other men, she’s trying to make out with your best friend, and you’re telling me that she loves you. Dude, everything she does says the opposite. And just to clear something up, she hasn’t been fooling with anyone else that you know of.
You can’t make Sandy interested in you because this thing is dead. You had your chance to save the marriage when Sandy’s Interest Level went from 95% to 85%. That’s when you should have done something, man. But as I say in the Dating Dictionary, the man is always the last to know.
I wouldn’t forgive Sandy if I were you. Heck, I wouldn’t even think about her. If I were you, I’d be thinking about how to find a good divorce lawyer and get yourself out of this mess. Then I’d memorize my materials and find out why this woman fell out of love with you, so the next woman you find doesn’t fall out of love with you.
You can’t get Sandy back into it, Basil. It’s done. You know the old sayings “Don’t cry over spilt milk,” and “The horse is out of the barn so there’s no use closing the door?” That’s where you are, my friend.
It’s not what you invested in the relationship that’s important -- it’s what the woman’s Interest Level is. You should have started reading my materials three years ago.
You’re absolutely right about the need for training in how to deal with relationships. Basil, there’s hope for you! You do have brains!
Remember, guys: don’t ever tell a girl you don’t love her anymore.