Monthly Archives: March 2022

This article originally appeared in the Doc Love Club - to join for more articles like this click here and don't forget to get your 10% discount on THE SYSTEM/DATING DICTIONARY here - it's the book that's changed thousands of lives around the world - are you next?

(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Joe for three years and he follows your “System.” I’ve been reading your material too in order to become a better woman for the both of us.

I haven’t found in your material anything related to the subject of Internet smut. I recently discovered Joe’s Internet browser to be full of photos, links, and videos of the porn variety. I was disturbed by this – especially the frequency (nightly) and volume, and considering that our romantic moments have dwindled, I consider this whole situation indicative of a double standard. I’m a rather attractive woman ready to crawl all over Joe at any time and he is more and more often “too tired” to be romantic or has to go to bed early to get up for work in the morning. Incidentally, Joe and I don’t live together.

I fessed up to Joe about finding this stuff and asked him to stop it. I see it as disrespectful and unnecessary. He got defensive, of course, stating that I was too rigid in my morals and that men are hardwired to be visual and that it is all harmless. He said he would stop, but I know that he hasn’t.

Could you please address this issue in your weekly advice column? I am not sure if this is a deal-breaker for me, but it is certainly causing my Interest Level in Joe to drop. The more I read about the subject of smut, the more I’m wondering if I have an addict on my hands. I don’t need a “project” to work on – I want a man. How does one shake this garbage out of a guy’s head?

Doc, Joe wouldn’t want me drooling over the Chippendales dancers – so why the double standard?

I know you don’t generally answer women’s letters, but I truly hope you answer mine. If you do, I sincerely thank you in advance.

Damara - who doesn’t think he should have it both ways

Hi Damara,

Hold on a second here, if your Joe were truly following my “System,” you wouldn’t be writing this letter in the first place. But I’m glad you’re reading me. So right off the bat we know that you’re one smart cookie. Joe’s a lucky guy. It sounds like he doesn’t realize it, or that he’s just plain dumb. And thanks for the plug.

Actually, I have addressed the issue you’re upset about. You’ll recall from reading my book and columns that I don’t generally talk about sex and there’s a reason for it  -  I’m not going to be like some other love doctors out there who dwell on the seamier side of love rather than truly trying to coach men.

Now let’s be rational here. There are a few different ways to view Joe’s preoccupation. Here’s one side of it. I’ve got a married cousin who sends me pictures of Beautiful Women by e-mail once or twice a month. When I stop over at his house, I like to pull his wife’s chains. “Your husband’s a voyeur,” I joke. Now my cousin’s spouse happens to be an easygoing sort (luckily for him) and we all have a laugh over it. In other words, for those two it’s not all that important in the greater scheme of things. That’s one extreme of it. At the other extreme are the folks who say that if you even glance at such material you’re going straight to Hell in a hand basket. Everybody else in America is on middle ground on this issue.

What I know for sure is this. The general rule for guys is, when you’re with your woman, you don’t look at other women.

Damara, as far as having Joe for a husband is concerned, you have to do some real hard thinking on it. If he’s looking at this stuff on a nightly basis when you’re sitting there all decked out in your Victoria’s Secret outfit, with your long legs and pouty, bee-stung lips, you have to wonder what’s going through the guy’s mind. Like the Reality Factor says, “Why is he trading what’s there for what’s not?”

In a sense, you went against loyalty by looking into your boyfriend’s computer. On the other hand, he went against loyalty too because he was “with” other women, a bunch of other women, Beautiful Women. Given the amount of time Joe spends with his fantasies, it’s not good for him. Joe should have your photos up on his computer. He should be buying you nice clothes, taking you out to the park or the zoo, snapping your picture there and then putting them up on his computer -- not all those other ladies. If I were a female, that’s the kind of guy I would want.

I certainly understand your anger and concern over Joe’s double standard. Now let’s reverse the scenario. If I had a girlfriend and she was sitting around all night long salivating over pictures of bodybuilders, I wouldn’t be feeling too great about it. Because let’s face it: why would I want to see her ogling muscle-bound Macho Boys when I’m six foot eight and weigh 128 pounds?

Joe may argue that what he’s up to is all harmless shenanigans, but not at the rate he indulges. I can tell you that for sure, and I’m not even a real doctor. As far as Joe being marriage material, I’d say it is a deal-breaker for you, Damara. I wouldn’t want my sister marrying this guy.

Damara, I’ve got more bad news for you. You can’t shake the garbage out of your boyfriend’s head. He has to do it all by himself. He’s got to wake up and say to himself, “By spending countless hours looking at these naked bodies, I’m going backwards in my life. I should be going forward.”

One more thing. The reason I’m answering your letter is because I want to help men. That’s always my first and foremost aim.

Remember, guys: you’re with her, period.