Should He Ask Her To Be His Girlfriend?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for a couple of years now and I really enjoy all of your advice. I haven’t bought “The System” yet, and thus I’m far from mastering it.

I’ve been dating Jaymie for a couple of months now. I met her online, we chatted for a while and after a couple of weeks decided to meet up. We went to a comedy club, had a couple of drinks afterwards, and then I drove her home and gave her a kiss goodnight. She initiated it, as I was about to move in, which I took as a good sign. I let her initiate physical contact 50% of the time, by the way. If I ever can’t reach her by phone I leave a short message and wait for her to call back (I never phone again after leaving a message), and she always gets back to me the same day.

We’ve been on at least 10 dates now, one of which was her staff Christmas party. In front of her coworkers she was not shy at all about public displays of affection, and even after they all started whooping when they caught us kissing she wasn’t embarrassed, or at least didn’t show it. We get along great, and always keep the conversation very light, which actually brings me to my reason for writing to you.

After two months of dating, Jamie has never brought up anything about getting into a relationship. I enjoy the fact that she’s not the type of girl who needs constant reassurance, but at the same time I do wonder why she hasn’t brought it up. Every girl I have been with in the past had initiated that conversation well within two months. She’s always making references to the future, like “we should do this sometime” or “the next time you come over I want to show you this,” which is definitely a good sign, but still very indirect.

I’ve never dated a girl where our relationship progressed this slowly and it’s throwing me for a loop. Is there any point where I should step up and talk to her about moving our relationship forward? It seems like a very anti-Challenge thing to do. I should also point out that I’m generally a pretty quiet guy, and flirting definitely isn’t my strong point, so I haven’t been very forward in that department. Should I maybe step it up a bit to try and move things forward without doing something wussy like asking her if she wants to be in a committed relationship? What’s my next move?

Horace - who’s definitely not on the fast track

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Hi Horace,

Let me ask you a question. How can you read my articles for two years, get all kinds of help from them, and not actually go out and get hold of the key to the kingdom? That’s what I don’t understand, pal. It’s doubly baffling because so much more is available in the Dating Dictionary and everything else you’ve learned from me works. You’ve seen that it works. It’s like you’re getting a car for free, but you don’t want to pay for the transmission!

So you gave Jaymie a smooch good night and she was the one moving in on you. Fantastic, Horace. So far, so good. But you shouldn’t let her initiate physical contact half the time – it’s got to be 100% of the time, guy. You’d know that if you had my book. Luckily for you, Jaymie’s the rare girl who returns calls, which shows that she has high Interest Level – at least to this point. So far, buddy, it sounds like you’re doing most things right.

There are a few reasons why this woman hasn’t brought up getting into a serious relationship with you. It’s possible that she just feels comfortable with the way things are. Or maybe – and this is the worst-case scenario – her Interest Level is not in the 90s. Because if her Interest Level was up in the 90s, she’d be asking you all kinds of questions about the relationship.

But Jaymie’s not bringing this issue up at all because you’re missing some of the concepts and rules of the Dating Dictionary. And you certainly didn’t use these principles during the 10 dates you had with Jaymie. And that’s why her Interest Level isn’t in the 90s. Otherwise she’d want to know where this relationship is going, whether you’re seeing anybody else, and she’d be telIing you that she’d like to be your girlfriend, etc. She’d be pressuring you. But she has to have an incentive to do those things, and that incentive is 90% Interest Level.

That said, making references to the future is a great sign. To you Psych majors, whenever a girl talks about the future with a guy, it means that the guy is going to be around in the future.

I know you’re being thrown for a loop by this woman’s cool, Horace, but maybe she’s a classy lady and you just don’t know it. She might be the ultra-rare type who knows how to contain herself. If she’s kissing you good night, returning your phone calls, showing up for dates and always having a good time when she’s with you, you just have to relax and tell yourself, “This one’s going to take a little longer.” But again, since you don’t have my book, you can’t possibly be on top of your game and you can’t see clearly what’s really going on. And that’s the danger here.

You should not be talking to Jaymie about moving anything forward, my friend. Begging NEVER raises Interest Level. It sure is an anti-Challenge thing to do! Again, you’d know this if you’d read and memorized my book.

Don’t force yourself to flirt with her, Horace. You’re doing fine with her without forcing the action. Just keep showing her a good time, and always remember to show her manners and class.  Just take it easy, keep doing what you’re doing, and this girl will eventually ask you “Where’s this thing going?”

Your next move? Invest in your future by getting my book. Think of it as a premium insurance policy.

Remember, guys: if you do 80% of everything right, she’s going to have 80% Interest Level.