She Dreamed He Would Cheat So Now She Doesn’t Want Him???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I found your book nine months ago and it got me my first girlfriend. Cara is an ex-model, has an IQ of 155 and she’s the cutest thing ever. Best of all, she was attracted to me from the beginning. A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off from there. For all her beauty, she’s really low maintenance. We usually either split things fifty-fifty or take turns paying for dates. I like it because it’s even and we don’t bicker about every penny. I didn’t have to go overboard on giving her money – she’s a GIVER.

Here’s my problem. Lately Cara’s been making little effort to get together. It seems to me that she doesn’t care as much or maybe she’s just trying to sabotage our relationship. Now that our relationship is starting to get more serious, she’s scared of being hurt again. (Her ex cheated on her with one of her friends.) This behavior began when she told me she had a dream that I was with another girl. Cara is very superstitious. She says her dreams are almost always right, and even though she knows it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will in the future. Well, since then it’s been all down hill.

Doc, I plan to call Cara out on this. I’m going to tell her that her dreams and her ex are not my fault and I shouldn’t be held accountable for them, and unless she gives up this insanity, I’ll leave her. But I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to. This girl is Beautiful, intelligent, modest, and funny. Where will I find someone else like her? I know she’s a bit of a loony -- she even admits to it. I asked her if she wants to break up with me, and she said no.

I need your help, Doc. I don’t want to lose this girl, but I don’t want to be judged by her dreams.

Avery - who doesn’t know how to defeat a dream

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Hi Avery,

Cara may be the smartest thing ever and she may generous when the check arrives, but don’t overlook the fact that she’s also a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. That also makes her the most dangerous thing ever.

Avery, your dating arrangement isn’t supposed to be even-steven. You should be paying for four or five dates and then the girl should be asking you over to her house for a nice dinner of your favorite dish. I don’t go for this splitting-it-down-the-middle stuff.  

You tell me that Cara’s making “little effort to get together.” In other words, at one time she was all over you, and now she couldn’t care less whether or not she ever sees you. So what do we have here? Did Cara’s Interest Level happen to drop for some mysterious reason? Is that what the real problem is? You may be right, Avery, that your girl either doesn’t care about you as much as she used to, or she’s trying to sabotage your relationship – or BOTH. Have you thought of that?

But you insist on believing that your relationship is growing “more serious.” Whoa, Avery – can you pass any of that dope on to me? That’s some good stuff you’re smoking there! Dude, Cara’s Interest Level is dropping straight into the cellar and you call that serious? How can she get hurt when her Interest Level is 51% and yours is 89%?  With the way those percentages compare, the only one who’s going to get burned is you.

So, this girl is very superstitious. I see....In other words, she’s a very rational person! How can she know that you’re going to leave her when your Interest Level is up in the clouds and hers is right next to the Mason-Dixon Line -- i.e., 50%? It doesn’t make any sense.

Now I’ve got news for you, pal. This relationship was going downhill long before you knew it. Like most men, you don’t pick up on the signs and cues that tell you you’re in trouble. Are you sure you read my book?

What are you going to call Cara out over? Do you actually believe that you can talk her Interest Level up? Guess what, Avery? It doesn’t work. In all my years as a love coach – and I’ve coached literally thousands of men -- I’ve never seen it happen. Not once.

Cara’s dreams and ex-boyfriend are not the point here. Your lecturing can’t raise Interest Level, that’s the most important issue. Of course you’re not accountable for her fantasies and her psychological baggage, but she’s trying to tell you something. The second reason she’s getting rid of you is because of her dream. But the first – and most important reason – is because she has low Interest Level in you. Because if she had high Interest Level, her dream would be the exception to her great predictive ability.

But who’s whacky here anyway, Avery? Look at your own thinking. You can’t leave someone who already left you! Cara may be all the things you say, and one more – her Interest Level is in the toilet. Where will you find someone else like her? Well, next time you might try with someone who is actually into you!

Cara’s a bit of a loony? That’s the understatement of the century! She even knows she’s a whack-job. To you Psych majors, when she’s having weird and crazy dreams about you, stay away from her.

When this girl swore that she didn’t want to break up with you, do you really think she was telling the truth?

In the end, Cara’s dream story is a big cop-out, my friend. She’s serving up a heap of Womanese. But remember what the great Doctor Freud once said: “Dreams are wish fulfillments!”

Remember, guys: you are the only one who can lower her Interest Level.