Should You Move Her In???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

A friend turned me onto your website. I purchased your materials afterward and wanted to thank you for your insights.

Here’s my issue. I started dating Lana a few months ago. After we’d been dating for six weeks things got a little weird between us and I could feel her starting to distance herself. I followed your advice and played it cool. I showed her less attention. Things got better, but then worse again. It came to a point where I called her on it and told her I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and either they changed or I was going to call it off.

We stopped talking for a week. I didn’t respond to her e-mails and phone calls. After that week of non-contact we went out for a friendly dinner, and then another friendly “date” and we started seeing each other again. Things went great. Then, three weeks ago, Lana told me that her lease was up and that she was stressed about trying to find a place to live. At the same time, my roommate was in the process of leaving the city for a new job. I told Lana that she could move into my place until she found a place of her own.

Lana is not the smothering type, quite the opposite. Since she’s moved in, she’s busy with unpacking her stuff and spending time with her dog (she brought him along - and unfortunately that drives me crazy because I like things clean and dogs can be messy), or she’s tired and we don’t hang out as much as when we didn’t live together. On top of it all, she has her own bedroom and has been sleeping there because she “sleeps better” in her own bed. I’ve been trying to follow your advice and not show that it bothers me, but it does. It’s difficult to be a Challenge when Lana knows exactly what I’m doing all the time. How can I get this girl to chase/want me like she used to?

Thanks, Doc, for any coaching you can give me.

Erik - who thinks he made a boo-boo

Have you checked out Doc's latest  FREE video?  WHAT DO YOU DO IF SHE GHOSTS YOU?  HOW CAN YOU PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING IN THE FUTURE???

Hi Erik,

Remember in my book that I tell you that you have to get 10 dates in with a girl, which is usually two to three months of dating, before you really get an idea of what’s going on? Apparently you never got that far in the book. I don’t know exactly when you got my materials in relation to going out with this girl, but your problem is that Lana’s Interest Level is in freefall. And what the man always does is overrate the girl’s Interest Level. Let’s say that her Interest Level was 90% at one time and it’s dropped to what you now think is 70%. In reality that means there’s a good chance it’s really only 45%.

In other words, pal, you’re in trouble.

Did things get worse again with Lana because you went back to your old behavior after things had temporarily improved? That’s what happens to most guys. You’re like someone who’s on a diet. Many dieters who succeed in losing weight go back to their original weight. And the reason is that they never realize that the principles that got them thin will keep them thin. As soon as they get thin, they go back to their old gluttonous habits and gain back all 100 pounds.

Then you told Lana that you were unhappy and unless she changed you were going to end it. Now I know that you didn’t study my materials, buddy. You think you can sit down with a girl whose Interest Level is only 45%, give her a talking-to and she’s going to jump up and say “Okay, I’ll move my Interest Level back up to 90%! No problem!” No way.

To make matters worse, Erik, you’re begging. Notice that when a girl’s Interest Level is in the 90s how you don’t have to sit down and talk to her? When you have to sit down and talk to her, it’s time to disappear. You only disappeared for a couple of hours.

You lasted a whole seven days without talking to Lana? You’re really a tough dude, Erik! The problem is that you should have done it for two months, until this girl was banging on your door crying to see you.

But you caved in way too fast and started going out on friendly dates. When I hear the word “friendly,” I cringe and immediately think “unromantic.” When you’re talking about your girlfriend, ‘friendly’ is a horrible word.

Being stressed about not having a place to live is not your problem, man. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not her psychiatrist.” You should have told Lana, “Honey, ever try Apartment.com? I’m sure you’ll find a nice place.” And that’s the end of it. Then you change the subject. Lana’s not having a place to live has no connection with you and her flagging Interest Level. You’re trying to imply that it does.

So you told her to move in with you....Now I know you didn’t even open my book.  Let me tell you something, guy: when you’re having problems with a woman, the LAST thing you want to do is come on strong to her.

But it’s too late, because now Lana is under your roof. And you’re trying to make her your lover, where in reality she only wants to be your roommate. That’s all you are – a roommate. And she was wrong for taking advantage of you. It means you’re both dumb.

Lana brought a mutt into your house? Your Interest Level is way up in the 90s because you let her get away with that in spite of the fact that you’re a clean freak. If you read my book, you’d know that you’re not supposed to let it get that high.

Since Lana moved in she doesn’t like to hang with you anymore. What did I tell you at the beginning? Her Interest Level is swirling in the toilet. You moved her into your house in hopes of bringing it back up. And your Interest Level is so high that you don’t even see it. She has more interest in her dog than she has in you.

Of course Lana sleeps in her own bed. Why would she want to sleep with a guy she only has 45% Interest Level in? You’re just a pal to this girl. And a dog-walker. By the way, be sure and carry a plastic bag to pick up all the stuff the dog leaves behind on the sidewalk.

The biggest problem you’ve got is that you can’t use my advice on a girl whose Interest Level is short of the 50-yard line. To you Psych majors, Challenge doesn’t work on a girl who doesn’t like you. She has to like you; otherwise you’re nothing more than a roommate -- and a dog-walker. It’s impossible to even be a Challenge when a girl doesn’t dig you to begin with.

Remember, guys: when you’re having problems with her, don’t move her in.