He Talked To Her Online As She Was Getting A Boyfriend

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hi Doc,

I met Pasha online recently and have spent the last two months chatting with her through messenger about three times a week for hours at a time. (I’ve just read some of your columns and have realized that I might be making some mistakes.) I felt like I was getting fairly close to Pasha, joking around with her and talking about all kinds of stuff. We haven’t actually met in person, but we’ve exchanged photos.

Last week I found out from Pasha that she just got a boyfriend. I congratulated her on having a boyfriend. She said that another one of her guy friends who she was talking to online got angry at her, saying “How could you do this to me when I like you?” She asked me if we were still friends, and I said I was happy for her and jokingly added, “If it doesn’t work out with this new guy, I’m still here.” To which she replied, “You wouldn’t wanna date me anyway. I’m annoying.”

Pasha defended her new relationship. She told me that her new boyfriend is not the type of guy she normally goes for and that she’s taking it slow. She’s a shy girl and hasn’t been in a relationship for a year, and does not seem like the type to play games with guys, especially multiple guys at the same time.

Now that Pasha has a boyfriend, I’ve found myself thinking about her a lot more. I’ve been wondering whether or not it’s a good idea to invite her out, because that way I can see how I feel about her. It might be easier to move on if I find there’s no spark between us.

Is it a good idea to stay friends with Pasha, and if the time comes when she’s single again to try and move in on her? And finally, could it be that I may have missed out because I didn’t get face time with her?

Thanks for your help in advance.

Fraser - who’s at a loss for what to do

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Hi Fraser,

When I read a first sentence like yours – that you spent hours talking to someone you’ve never seen, which is a huge mistake straight out of the gate – it makes me wonder how many other mistakes you’re making on top of that one. You’re not just making one mistake by instant messaging with this woman – you’re opening up the floodgates for what’s to come.

To you Psych majors, you cannot get close to a woman without face time. The sole purpose of instant messaging is to do it only once or twice -- then go and meet her at Starbucks. That’s the correct procedure, and deviating from it means trouble. Talking for hours on end to a woman when you haven’t passed the Physical Attraction Test is like driving past the bank, throwing a bunch of greenbacks into the air and hoping that somehow they’re going to end up in your account. You wouldn’t do that, would you, Fraser? Well, this is even worse.

Now let me get this straight. You told Pasha that if things didn’t work out with her new boyfriend, you’re still going to be around? Wow -- you sound like a big Challenge, man! This lady is going to have to work really hard to get you! But seriously, like most weak men, you are too available, this woman is dying to chase you, she’s desperate for some mystery, and you’re just an open, boring book.

It’s very curious that Pasha told you that she was annoying. Pal, when a girl puts herself down, that means she has ZERO interest in you. She’s basically begging you to stay away from her. And who cares what she’s doing with this new boyfriend of hers, whether she’s taking it slow or fast or medium? The point is that she’s making out with him and you haven’t even MET her. All this superfluous information she’s handing you about this guy doesn’t mean anything. Fraser, you haven’t even set eyes on Pasha in person. You don’t know a thing about her.

How do you know Pasha hasn’t been in a relationship for a year? Maybe she’s a pathological liar and a user and a stroker, have you thought of that? Oh, but I’m sure she’s a regular wallflower. Counting you and her other angry guy friend and her new boyfriend, I count three turkeys on the line right now. And it shows me how sharp you really are, my friend. This woman is running a big con on you and you’re convinced she doesn’t play games? What this tells me is that your Interest Level is 100% and hers is ZERO. But you insist, without a shred of evidence, that she doesn’t work multiple guys. Well, she’s got a boyfriend, two other guys mooning over her, and she’s probably instant messaging four or five other saps like yourself.

Forget about taking this girl out, Fraser, There is absolutely no spark between you two. And forget about staying friends with her and trying to move in on her later. This girl wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last man on the face of the planet.”

Did you miss out because you didn’t get face time with Pasha? That’s the only sane question you’ve asked. Sadly, Fraser, not only did you miss out by not getting face time in with this girl, you did everything else wrong too. Just make sure that when you order my book that you get the immediate downloads instead of waiting for it to come in the mail. This is an emergency.

Remember, guys: when a girl tells you that she’s annoying, that really means she’s annoyed by you.