How to Handle the Situation When You’re Each Seeing Other People

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I read your book and am an avid reader of your column. I have a question for you, though, that I haven’t been able to answer from reading your materials.

Sunny is smokin’ hot, funny, outgoing, and pretty much everything she does I find cute. I dated her about a year and a half ago and when we went out it was great and Interest Level was high on both sides. Well, I made the mistake of taking her up to a buddy’s cottage for a long weekend too soon and things fell apart. She’s real flirty with other guys, and jealousy got the best of me. We got into a nasty argument and I never called her again.

I recently started a new class at college and realized that Sunny was also enrolled in it. We got to talking every week, flirting again, and sparking old feelings. Sunny took me to a hockey game, but we kept it light and funny and friendly. So I brought her out to my buddy’s birthday party and she was all over me. Still I kept it light, and so did she. We still flirt when we see each other and there’s definitely some chemistry there.

I know Sunny is seeing other guys, but I’m seeing other girls too, so it’s not really a big deal right now. I would like to continue the relationship and get to a more exclusive level with Sunny. But I’m afraid she’s just leading me on and that the only thing she’s interested in is having a good time with all the guys that throw themselves at her, since like I said she’s smokin’ hot.

So what do you think? Is there anything I can do to really hook this type of girl? If I continue to pursue her, I think I might fall for her a bit too hard, and then if I hear about her and other guys, I’ll break someone’s legs, ya dig? So my choices are to let her go, stick around for these “fun” buddy dates, or pursue her with commitment and see if I can hook her so all she wants is the exclusive deal with me. Thanks for helping me out.

Randwin - who doesn’t know which way to go with this one

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Hi Randwin,

The first mistake you made was spending way too much time with this girl at the beginning. You didn’t give Sunny any time and space to find you interesting – and push her Interest Level through the rafters.

The next thing you did wrong was to put her on display for the blockers to have a field day with. To you Psych majors, you have to OWN a girl’s heart before you start running around with her on weekends and showing her off to your buddies.

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But you also have to ask yourself whether Sunny is flirting with every male she encounters because she has no Integrity or she doesn’t have high Interest Level in you. And why is she flirting with your buddies? If you owned the girl’s heart, she wouldn’t be pulling that crap.

Why are you arguing with Sunny? You shouldn’t be arguing with her over anything. When she started playing up to your so-called buddies, you should have dropped her right then and there. The Bottom Line Factor says that once she betrays you, you can’t trust the girl. She has no Integrity.

All these so-called old feelings you sparked when you ended up in Sunny’s class were your feelings alone, pal. You can’t really say that this girl has any feelings for you because you have no evidence of it aside from the fact that she’s flirty. The problem is that she’s flirty with pretty much everything that moves. She took you to a hockey game because she was bored that night and had nothing else to do.

Then, when you hooked up with Sunny for a second time, you went on a group date with her again. Randwin, didn’t you learn your lesson when you got burned the first time around?

Again, the chemistry you believe is there with Sunny only exists in your mind. What has she actually done to indicate to you that it’s reciprocal? Nothing much that I can see.

It’s not a big deal that Sunny’s seeing other guys? You’re lying, Randwin. You still have the hots for this girl and you have them bad. And you just proved it when you said you wanted to put the clamps on her on a more exclusive basis. Sadly for you, another reason Sunny took you out is because she wanted to get her jollies by dumping you and paying you back for when you dumped her, did you think of that?

Unfortunately, my friend, there’s nothing you can do to hook this girl. You had your chance with her and it’s gone. Too bad for you that you’ve already fallen for her. And don’t go getting all Macho Boy and threatening to break anybody’s legs. What have I told you before? You have to be like Cary Grant to get the ladies to fall in love with you.

What can you do now? Take Sunny out and then hustle other girls while you’re with her. And when she gets all ticked off at you for not giving her your undivided devotion, tell her she’s too possessive and stop going out with her.

Face it, man: you’re finished with this girl.

Remember, guys: you get one shot per girl per lifetime.