Wait, She’s Pushing Him Away? What Does Doc Coach Him To Do???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I just began dating again after five and a half years of being out of the game. The reason for not dating is that I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time.

I recently acquired “The System.” After reading your book, it confirmed my suspicion that one of my problems is that I push too hard too early with women. My other problem is that I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope.

My question is this. An acquaintance of mine – I’ll call her Tiffany --separated from her husband last year. Her divorce just became final last week. We went out casually though for a couple of months, but recently she began to push me away. I figured it might have something to do with all the turmoil of the divorce, so I backed off. I did make the mistake of listening to her problems and getting over-involved while I was trying to figure the situation out, but I finally disengaged from that.

Now I’m getting mixed signals from Tiffany. After reading “The System” I realized that I needed to keep some distance and I’ve done that. My thought is that I should stay distant until the dust settles and then consider making another attempt. I realize that dating a woman who just got separated was NOT a good idea, and I don’t want to be the rebound guy or the transition guy. I’ve done that already and it didn’t turn out well.

Tiffany and I have lots of interests in common and generally compatible temperaments. Her ex was very type A, competitive and controlling, and she’s very sensitive to any situation that makes her feel like I’m trying to run her life. So, is backing off the correct strategy in this case?

Thanks for any coaching you can give me.

Payn - who feels like he’s losing ground

Have you checked out Doc's latest FREE video: DO NOT MAKE THESE (COMMON) MISTAKES WHEN SHE IS PULLING AWAY (REMEMBER,  THE NEXT  VIDEO COMES OUT ON 4/2/2023 - THE BEST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE NO ONE TOLD YOU ABOUT)

Hi Payn,

I’m sorry to hear about your past dating disasters. Let me explain something to you. Two things happen in a relationship. Either you break up, or worse, you get married. And who gets out of the relationship first suffers less. So when you tell me that you went down in flames in your relationships, that indicates to me that you didn’t get rid of these girls – they got rid of you. So what a guy should do is look at all of his relationships over the past two or three years, all 10, 15, or 20 women he went out with, and ask himself how many he dropped and how many times he was dropped. If you dumped all those women, or 18 out of the 20, then you don’t need my coaching.

When it comes to women, pushing too hard too early is the biggest problem that 90% of all the men out there have. Rather than relax and just enjoy themselves and let THE WOMAN set the pace, they push. And they push themselves right out of the picture. To you Psych majors, when you invade a female’s comfort level, she feels pressured and she gets turned off. And that’s when you hear those horrible words from her: “I NEED SPACE!” At that point, of course, it’s already too late.

You’re right about the importance of recognizing the romantic point of no return. There’s no going back once you’ve reached that point. Once her Interest Level hits 49%, you can forget it. Trying to fix something when it’s already too late is a complete waste of time. Heck, you could be out hustling the numbers of other women instead of trying to convince the one who doesn’t want you to stay with you. Think about that.

YOU NEED THE SYSTEM/DATING DICTIONARY TO REALLY WIN WITH WOMEN! GET IT HERE FOR 10% OFF (IMMEDIATE DOWNLOADS OF BOTH THE WRITTEN AND AUDIO VERSIONS!)

Now let me ask you this, Payn: if this relationship with Tiffany was so casual, why was she pushing you away? If you were keeping it light and funny with her, why would she feel the need to be away from you unless you were doing lots of things wrong? If you had my book memorized, you would have been in good shape because you would have been a Challenge, and a Challenge never pressures women.

It’s funny how you automatically single out the “turmoil of the divorce” as your problem instead of realizing that it was YOU who turned Tiffany off. And of course this is what most men do. They always blame something or someone else instead of what the real problem is: themselves. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Rationalizing is a man’s greatest obstacle to facing reality.”

Worse, you tried to play psychiatrist with her. What have I told you guys in the past? When you play psychiatrist, you’re going to lose. That’s not what you’re there for. Of course you’re getting mixed signals from Tiffany -- her Interest Level in you is somewhere between 40% and 60%. When Interest Level is hovering in that murky zone, you can’t expect her to be all over you because she really doesn’t want to be there.

So you’re not going to make another attempt with Tiffany. In fact, you’re not going to even call her anymore. When she calls you, you’re going to talk to her for five minutes and then you’re going to hang up. You’re going to shut her right down. And if she doesn’t ask you out, you’re not going to have anything to do with her.

My friend, I know you don’t want to be the rebound or transitional guy, but with women you don’t know when the time is right to go after her, so you had to take the chance with Tiffany. So don’t beat up on yourself for that.

Dude, you have to come to grips with the fact that Tiffany liked her ex enough to marry him, so she digs type A guys. In the second place, having interests in common and being generally compatible has nothing to do with Interest Level. Never, ever forget that the woman’s Interest Level in you is the most important factor in a relationship.

Yeah, backing off this girl is the correct strategy now. WAY, WAY OFF.

Remember, guys: when she’s in the process of getting over her divorce, you have to be a double Challenge.