He Cheated With His Ex? Doc HAMMERS Him!

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’ve been in a relationship with Jill for eight months now. In the fourth month of our relationship I cheated on her with my ex-girlfriend. I haven’t talked to my ex-girlfriend since. I felt guilty about it the minute I did it and told Jill that I was unfaithful with a girl a week after we met when we weren’t committed yet (obviously it was a lie).

This has caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I continued to feel guilty about what I did, and just a couple of days ago I told Jill that it was actually my ex-girlfriend I was unfaithful with. She promptly asked me to get out and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

I used to follow “The System” when I was in college and it was a great help with women, but I got overconfident and forgot the basics. When I opened your book yesterday, I realized how much I should have kept studying it. Doc, do you think that my relationship with this gem – Jill -- is over because of my mistake? Do you think that even if it works out she’s probably going to want to get back at me to make sure things are “equal?” What about the chances that she’ll cheat on me?

I know that Jill’s Interest Level was off the charts at the beginning. She begged me to move in with her and talked about having my kids and getting married. Can my blunder drive Jill’s Interest Level from the 90s to 49%? Should I bother trying to make it work? If so, how can I do it?

I know I’ve hit you with a ton of questions, but I would greatly appreciate any responses that you can give me.

Josh - who messed up big-time

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Hi Josh,

You cheated with your ex? What were you thinking? You’ve got a good, loving girl, and what do you go and do? You allow your ego to lead you into breaking your contract with this girl. And even worse, you did it with an ex! A double no-no.

To you Psych majors, you have to ask yourself this question: why am I playing with fire? Why am I doing something dangerous like this when I have such a good deal?

Now let me tell all you guys something. I’m against any kind of fooling around when you’re going with somebody. But if you do happen to cheat, do you actually believe it’s going to up your girlfriend’s Interest Level? And it’s not just guys who tempt fate -- women can be prone to the same thing. And then you blurt out, “Don’t take this personally, honey, but I got together with my ex behind your back. Please forgive me and love me more!” If you have to tell somebody about what you did, tell everyone else in the world, but just don’t tell Jill, for Pete’s sake.

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So, your little indiscretion caused problems for you, Josh? Well, there’s the understatement of the year! Feeling guilty shows you have a conscience, though and that you’re not completely numb. At least when you told Jill what you did you left out the gory details. I’m glad – you did something right.

Then she asked you to beat it. Well, what else would you expect? Reverse the situation. How would you feel if Jill confessed infidelity to you? What would you tell her to do if the shoe was on the other foot?

It goes without saying that you should have stayed with “The System,” man. I’ve told you guys again and again that you have to study it every night for 10 minutes before you go to sleep unless you’re married. But Josh, you got all full of yourself and decided to skip the basics. There’s your ego running amok again. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It’s the ugly devil raising his head!”

Again, you Psych majors, this stuff has to be memorized, and you can’t just walk away from it when you feel like you’re on top of things. But in your favor, you realized that you should have kept studying. Like my cousin General Love says, “There’s still hope in America!”

Now, let’s get on to the ultimate question. The truth is that yes, your relationship with Jill is probably kaput. But I’ll do my best to save it.

Of course she’s going to want to equal the score between you. It’s human nature, Josh. You’re going to have to take a beating every time there’s an argument – over anything. Whenever there’s a disagreement over something as small as which restaurant to go to you’re going to hear about the terrible thing you did with your ex!

And sure, she’ll probably be tempted to cheat on you. Some girls will still hang around you and then go into revenge mode, just to make sure you really feel it. And when she does, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’ll have to sit there thinking about all those lonely guys hanging around the bars and clubs that she might run into.”

Guys (this is not addressed only to you, Josh), Interest Level is ALWAYS off the charts in the beginning. The problem is, it ends up on the floor when you deviate from my principles.

When Jill was in love with you she begged you to move in and have her kids. That, dude, was 100% Interest Level. This woman was crawling all over you. But you tossed “The System.” You walked away from the techniques that got this girl.

A really, really good question is where your blunder will drive Jill’s Interest Level. Half the time when a guy screws up like this, it will go straight into the 30s or 40s. But let’s say you lucked out and it hasn’t dropped to 49%. Let’s say it stopped plummeting when it touched 51%. And let’s say you’re hanging by your fingertips from the side of a cliff, and Jill’s interest is hovering somewhere between 51%-55%. What you have to do in that case is disappear, and every time she calls you and dredges it up, you have to say, “I apologize, dear, and it will never happen again.” And buddy, you’re going to have to be ready to say it 100,000 times, all through your marriage to this girl -- if she takes you back.

And here’s what the other love doctors don’t tell you. They say that you can rebuild the trust bond after it’s been ruptured, but I say it’s a half-truth. Now are you ready for this? Jill’s Interest Level is going to stay out of the 80s and 90s. Maybe it’s even going to stay out of the 70s. At best it will be 67%, 68%. Because since she was burned, she can’t give you that other 30% to get it back to where it was.

On the other hand, with time and good behavior and your ability to endure the constant punishment you’ll be subjected to, what could happen is that Jill might even allow her Interest Level up to 80%-85%. But it will never, ever go into the 90s again. And there’s a good chance it will never even hit the 80s. It depends on the individual woman. Good luck, Josh. You’re going to need it.

I always try and help you guys, as you know. My friend, you can try and make this thing work, but you’re facing real nasty odds. You’ve got to stay away from Jill. She has to call you up and you have to ask her out. And then she’ll say, “No! I just called you to tell you again what a jerk you are!” And you’ll have to say okay, honey, let me have it with both barrels. And she’s going to browbeat you for 20 minutes and then hang up. And you’ll just have to keep putting up with that until she gets some of the pain out of her system. But she won’t ever get it all out.

Meanwhile, Josh, you’d better hustle other women, because your chances with Jill are so lousy. And you have to ask yourself one more question: do I want to live with a woman whose Interest Level will never be in the 90s?

Remember, guys: she won’t ever forget.