Why Aren’t More Guys Clear On This Signal From Women? (+A Bonus Article)

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

He could have saved himself a TON OF TIME if he wouldn't have missed something obvious from her - sadly many guys try to fool themselves like this - oh, and at the end of this is a bonus article that shows the exact opposite of what this guy is talking about:

Hey Doc,

Two months ago I met Chelsea. I would casually try to invite her out to parties or bars, but our plans never seemed to work out. Finally I decided to just ask her out, which worked. The date went great! She even told me to call her so we could do something together again sometime.

I waited five days, called her and asked her out again. We went out and had another great date. I was getting lots of great signals from her: smiling, eye contact, laughing at my jokes, asking questions about me, etc. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty confident, so when I dropped her off at her place at the end of the date, I went in for a kiss, but she turned her head to make me kiss her on the cheek. I was a little shocked, but the rest of the date was perfect, so I wasn’t going to let this minor setback bring me down and keep me from asking her out on another amazing date, especially because she may have thought that I was moving too fast or she didn’t want to come off as easy or she was playing hard to get.

I called Chelsea on Friday and she didn’t answer, so I left a quick voicemail trying to be funny and then said “The main reason I’m calling is to ask you out for Sunday, so call me back and let me know what time is good for you.” I was a little nervous so I stuttered, but I figured that since I was so calm and cool on our dates that she probably wouldn’t pick up on that.

So here’s my question. It’s now Monday night and Chelsea hasn’t returned my call. I don’t really want to give up on Chelsea because of how great our first two dates were, not to mention that she’s a looker in my eyes (an 8.5 easily from my perception!). I don’t want to come off as a loser by calling her again. But what should I do? Should I call her again or send her a quick text? How long should I wait to do this? And should I mention that she didn’t return my call? Should I mix in something cocky and funny like “I know you didn’t call me back because you’re so nervous since I’m so good-looking?” Please coach me.

Dev - who thought he was in control

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Hi Dev,

What, exactly, does “I tried to invite Chelsea out to parties and bars” mean? Does it mean that she was turning you down when you asked her to do something? Whatever it means, it was a very wishy-washy approach you took.

Then you finally took a stronger approach, asked Chelsea out, and it worked. So far, so good. Like I say in my book, one date down and nine to go!

But when Chelsea turned her lovely head so that you missed her lips and had to kiss her cheek, there was only one thing you could and should have done at that point: thrown her number away. Because what her action indicated is that this girl doesn’t dig you, or she’s involved with somebody else.

But you think it wasn’t such a big deal that she didn’t let you kiss her. Wrong! This wasn’t a minor setback, it was like Waterloo for Napoleon! Just look at what actually happened here. You didn’t ask this lady to get married. You just went in for a kiss after being with her on two dates. So how were you coming on too strong? In America, going in for a kiss is no big deal. But it is a big deal if the girl’s not interested in you. And, dude, notice how you’re already rationalizing when you try to convince yourself that Chelsea was just playing hard to get? When women like you, they don’t play hard to get.

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You shouldn’t have called Chelsea on Friday or Saturday. That’s a no-no, and you’d have known it if you’d read my book – which you should do ASAP. You were supposed to have asked her out for the following Sunday and no way you should have left a message. And you don’t ask a girl out by leaving a message on her voicemail, Dev. You ask her out by talking to her on the phone - sure you can leave a message but that's only to get her to call back so you can ask her out (by the way, my rule is leave one message, wait a week with no return call, then leave another message - no return call then delete the # after message 2).

By the way, Chelsea picked up on your nervousness when you left that message, don’t worry. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Women never miss a thing!”

Since Chelsea didn’t return your call, it means you can never call her again. And don’t kid yourself, my friend. Your first two dates weren’t great – Chelsea didn’t kiss you good night, so how great could they be? I don’t care if this honey is an 8.5 or a 10.1, if she doesn’t kiss you; it means she’s not interested. It’s a great idea that you don’t call her again because if you do, you’ll most definitely come off as a loser.

What should you do now? Nothing. Go out and find new girls.” How long should you wait to contact Chelsea? Oh, five years or so. And don’t mention that she didn’t return your call. I have news for you, pal -- Chelsea knows she didn’t return your call. And she didn’t return it because she doesn’t have high Interest Level in you. Girls with high Interest Level return calls. Girls with low Interest Level don’t return calls. As you can see, “The System” is very complicated stuff.

Remember, guys: when she doesn’t kiss you on the second date or return your phone calls, you have her mixed up with somebody who cares.

Here's a bonus article that relates to this - on the opposite side of the spectrum, WOMEN HELP YOU WHEN THEY LIKE YOU - you can read that article now from our friends at DatingAdvice.com