Monthly Archives: May 2023

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I met Shyla through an online dating service. She is very attractive, in her late thirties, and we got along great from the beginning. She’d just lost her job and wanted me to move in with her and her sons. When I agreed, she said that it would be just as friends. She helped me get a new checking account (because of my credit problems her name has to be on it), she added me to her cell phone account, we have been on vacation four or five times together, and we have even been romantic together a couple of times, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, we continued to get along well until just recently. What’s happened is that I feel like I’ve gotten extremely close to Shyla, and now she says that I’m smothering her even though I knew our relationship was supposed to be just a friendly thing, never anything more.

This sort of squabbling has been going on for three months now. She has booked another vacation for her youngest son and us. My question is this: does Shyla really want me to back off and be just a friend, or is this a way to get me to move out of her life?

I don’t really want to move on, Doc, but I don’t want to be in an uncomfortable place either. I know that it’s hard for you to give answers to questions when you’re only hearing one side of the story, but what I desperately need is an opinion from a coach. I hope you can help me. Thanks.

Kam - who wonders if he moved in too fast

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Hi Kam,

Whoa. Hold it right here, guy. Let me make sure I’ve got this right. You moved in with a complete stranger who you’re attracted to, and who told you up front that it was going to be nothing but a non-romantic relationship, and now you want more than that. Do you realize what you’re saying here? Apparently you don’t, because you went right ahead and moved in with this lady. Kam, let me ask you this question: if I told you to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do it?

But after Shyla, who must have been really bored a couple of nights, got romantic with you, you were suckered in by the idea of having her as your girlfriend and now you’re totally gone over her. You never quite swallowed the idea that she was just looking for a buddy, a vacation escort and a substitute daddy for her kids. And that’s the problem with this scenario. Kam, we don’t care how close you feel to this woman. If you know anything whatsoever about my principles – and it sounds from what you’re telling me here that you’re clueless -- all we care about is how extremely close Shyla feels to you. And like my cousin Doctor Love says, “She feels so close to you that she’s begging you not to smother her to death!”

When Shyla told you that this relationship was going to be friendly and NEVER anything more, you should have listened to her, dude. Let me remind you of the name of this column: WOMEN DON’T LIE – MEN DON’T LISTEN. There’s a reason it’s called that, buddy. To you Psych majors, it’s so your massive egos don’t get in the way of what she’s actually SAYING to you.

Okay, so Shyla told you up front that she wanted nothing more than a friendly relationship, and now because your Interest Level has shot through the roof you’re trying to change your agreement with her nonverbally. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “And when you did, she called you on it!” So back off, man!

Now let me get something else straight. You’ve been arguing with this girl for three whole months? And you’re just friends? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “So when does the fun start, boy?” Are you that desperate, Kam, that you’d rather live your life squabbling with someone who doesn’t really want you around in the first place? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you should have surrendered that area the minute the skirmishes started.”

Now Shyla wants to haul you along on another vacation with her because she hasn’t found a guy she really wants to be romantic with yet. But you’re not going to take this next vacation with Shyla and her son. You’re through, Kam. They’re going to go alone. And you’re going to find something else to do with yourself for a few days.

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Of course she wants you to back off and just be a friend. That’s exactly what she told you in the beginning, didn’t she? And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Now that you’re driving her nuts, you should be out of her life altogether!”

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Here’s my opinion about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into, Kam. If you can find the Self-Control – and I’m at all convinced that you can, judging by your past behavior -- to back off and stop pressuring this girl, and you can force your Interest Level from 100% down to 60%, you might have a chance of turning this thing around. Chances of that happening are slim because Shyla’s told you that she doesn’t want to be anything but friends with you a hundred times already. But you’re going to try to control yourself. And if nothing changes within 60 days, you’re moving out.

Remember, guys: the woman always sets the pace of the relationship.