She Shares Everything With Friends But Little With Him???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

My girlfriend Beverly and I have been together the better part of three years. We live together and go to the same college. As of late I’ve noticed that she’s been particularly irritable and I’ve felt a huge distance growing between us. She’s always had great difficulty communicating her feelings to me, and I have to drag every little feeling out of her. She has no problem telling her friends everything though, and does so frequently. I confronted her about this and after hours of what seemed like an arduous interrogation rather than a meaningful conversation, I learned that she has feelings for my best friend, and has been unsure and confused about our relationship. She insists that she still sees me as the love of her life and might just need a break.

I was actually thinking that a break would be healthy for our relationship as it is the first serious relationship either of has been in and we’re both in our very early twenties. Beverly wants to remain together for now and we still love each other immensely. My friend and I are close and so are my girlfriend and him. They have both admitted that they have feelings for each other. They flirt when we are all together and text each other constantly, especially lately.

I love Beverly and I feel like I could get past this if we could communicate better. I have offered to do everything to help her, including going to a therapist with her and urging her to write out her feelings. Nothing seems to work. Also, I’m not a jealous guy, but I do feel a little threatened now because of this thing with my friend. I would trust Beverly never to do anything with him, but she might when we were taking a break. What should I do? I am immensely frustrated to say the very least.

Riff - who doesn’t want to give her away

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Hi Riff,

Straight out of the gate you’ve made a huge mistake here: you’re just going to college and you’re already living together. You shouldn’t be living together, especially when you don’t have my materials and you don’t know what you’re doing. Like my cousin General Love says, “Being unarmed on the battlefield is an invitation to catastrophe, soldier.”

Let me clear something up for you, pal. There’s a very, very good reason you feel a distance from Beverly. It’s because her Interest Level is no longer 95% -- it’s a paltry 45%. Her Interest Level dropped a massive 50 points because you haven’t been utilizing my principles. When I train a guy, the girl stays in love. When I don’t train a guy, he’s clueless about what to do. Here’s a scary statistic: 90% of American males do not know how to keep a woman in love. Without my materials, Riff, you don’t stand a chance. When are you going to wake up? Or are you a masochist and just waiting for more torture?

Let me straighten you out on something else. Beverly IS communicating her feelings to you. She is communicating them LOUD AND CLEAR. She’s irritable and you feel a huge distance from her, right? Those are her feelings right there. She doesn’t have to verbalize anything. She doesn’t have to come right out and say “By the way, my Interest Level in you is only 45% -- it’s down 50 points.” You’re looking for completely unnecessary verification, dude. This woman is showing you all you need to know by her actions. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Forget the verbiage, my son. This girl is practically screaming that she doesn’t love you anymore.”

By the way, Riff, you don’t know it but you’re actually very lucky that Beverly’s not spewing her feelings all over you. You shouldn’t be talking about feelings in the first place. You should be talking about actions. To you Psych majors, ACTIONS COUNT. Feelings mean nothing.

So, Beverly’s “confused” about you. When a girl says she’s confused, it means her Interest Level is below 50%. But I do agree with you, Riff: a break from Beverly would be good for you. Like forever!

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Another problem you’ve got, my friend, is this girl’s age. Beverly’s very young. She’s not a woman yet. What have I told you before? When she’s 19 or 20, she doesn’t have any staying power and she doesn’t know what she wants (this applies to guys that age too!)

And you’re just as in the dark, dude. Beverly says she wants a break from you and you insist she loves you “immensely.” Real swift, man. But heck, don’t pay any attention when your friend and girlfriend tell you they have feelings for each other. I’m sure they’re lying. Just overlook the fact that they text and flirt with each other. Like some other love doctors out there might tell you, your problem is that you’re being uptight and jealous.

But seriously, do you really think your problems with Beverly are a matter of shoddy communication? Let me remind you once again: Beverly is communicating with you. Every one of her actions tells you what she’s thinking. She’s moody. She’s irritable. She tells you she likes your buddy more than you. What more do you want, pal? She couldn’t be more direct with you!

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Beverly doesn’t have to write out her feelings or see a therapist. Between being cranky and smitten with your best friend, you’ve got all the evidence of her deepest emotions you’ll ever need. So you’re getting all hung up here on something that doesn’t count. Do you really think that after Beverly talks to a therapist her Interest Level is going to go from 45% back to 95%? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That would be one great shrink -- I’d pay to see her myself!”

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Now let me get this straight. You feel a little threatened when your girl says she digs your friend? Riff, are you taking Language and Logic in college? And they flirt when they’re together, they text each other constantly, and you’re worried that if you take a break something might happen? Wow. All I have to say is that you must be very strong in those subjects.

What should you do? Heck, that’s easy! Marry this girl! She’s the perfect one for you!

Remember, guys: you have to learn to stop rationalizing.