Did He Find His Soulmate Or Not? How Can He Tell?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

First, about me. Typically, I’m the jerk that every girl falls for but I end up screwing things up or just losing interest and hurting the girl’s feelings. This time around, it’s different. Don’t ask me why, but it is.

Get this. A few days ago I contacted Ashley through a dating website. She’s beautiful, she’s a blonde, she’s younger than me, has a good head on her shoulders, and lives nearby. After two days of talking she came to my place to meet me. We ended up hanging out and watching TV. At three in the morning I asked if she was staying or going. She said you can kick me out if you want, but I don’t feel like driving home right now. So throughout the whole night, I found her either getting up close to me or taking my arm and putting it around her. Good sign.

The next day she went to work and we texted on and off all day long. I asked if she was going to come back that night -- I was just kidding, never expecting her to come -- but she did. So I was thinking, wow she must really be interested in me or she’s mental. Or both. The same thing happened. We watched TV and hung out and nothing romantic or intimate happened. In the morning before she left she kissed me a few times during our goodbye hug.

When we were talking on the phone the next night, Ashley told me she plans on being married within two years and wants a serious and long-term relationship now. She said she’s been through a ton of crap in her life and knows what kind of guy she wants. Then she said she wanted me. Now I’m head over heels for her just because she rubbed my ego the right way.

I can’t get Ashley out of my head. I want to talk to her all day long. If I could, I’d just drive over to her place and see her. I know that it might be a bit freaky to just show up, but I would do it. And the thing is, I’ve NEVER felt this way about a girl in my life. EVER.

What should I do? Ashley said she’s never ever cheated, and we share very similar views about what we want in a relationship and that we’re sick of just dating and hookups. What does this mean? Did I find my soulmate/dream girl? Or is this way too good to be true?

Thanks, Doc.

Curly - who keeps pinching himself

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Hi Curly,

Just how do you figure that Ashley has a good head on her shoulders? Because she hung around your bedroom until three in the morning on the night she met you? You don’t know even know this woman, my friend. The Bottom Line Factor says you know as much about her as you do the lady who checks you out at the supermarket. In other words, she’s a complete stranger. So you have no rational basis whatsoever for making that statement. I’m not trying to burst your bubble here. My job is to help you to FACE REALITY, and that’s what I’m doing.

So, you hung out and watched TV all night with this soulmate of yours? You’re quite the big spender, aren’t you??? You should have kicked Ashley out at 10 o’clock instead of letting her sleep at your pad until early morning. Sure, it was a good sign that she put her arm around you – but only if you’d been going out with her for a month. But not on the first meeting, Curly. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl’s way too fast, even for me!” So maybe you’re right – she’s mental.

You’re texting back and forth with this girl all day long after being with her once? Curly, you know absolutely ZERO about Challenge and the concept of giving a girl some space! Don’t you realize that you’ve only spent a few hours with this girl and you’re already giving away the store? Think about it. You’ve had exactly two dates – if you can even call them dates -- with Ashley and you’re already madly in love, that’s what you’re telling me here. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, isn’t this a bit too impulsive for you, especially with your track record?”

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It’s great that Ashley rubbed your ego the right way and that your heart is pounding wildly, but again, you’ve only seen this girl a couple of times. If you’d been going out with her for three months and she did this, I’d be doing backflips for you. But not after hanging with her twice where all the two of you did was stare at a TV screen. I’ll repeat what I said earlier: you know absolutely nothing about her.

Curly, I certainly believe that you want to rap with this babe all day long. But practicing Self-Control, you know not to do it – right? I certainly hope so. Of course it would be freaky to show up on Ashley’s doorstep. Like my What do you wanna do, come off as a stalker? If something goes wrong, you’ll end up in jail, dude.

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Don’t get me wrong, Curly. I want you to have high feelings for this girl. I just don’t want you to act upon them. If you go in like a bull in the proverbial china shop, you’ll only succeed in wrecking everything. To you Psych majors, YOU HAVE TO LET THE RELATIONSHIP UNFOLD SLOWLY.

What should you do? PUT IT IN REVERSE RIGHT NOW. But you say that you and Ashley have similar views and attitudes. Pal, you have no real basis for this because you haven’t been around her long enough to know what she thinks.

What does this whole thing mean? It means nothing whatsoever except that you and Ashley are both head over heels for each other after two dates. Whether or not it will last another 40 years, that’s another question altogether.

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Did you find your dream girl? If Ashley acts the same way toward you in three months as she’s acting now, then yes. But you have to get that time in with her to know for sure. There’s no other way.

This whole thing isn’t too good to be true, buddy – it’s just way, way too fast. Like my cousin General Love says, “When you go in fast, you go out fast.”

Remember, guys: you have to get lots of time in with her before you know where she’s really coming from.