Is She Trying To Attract Other Men Or Is He Off Base Here?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’m a physically fit 38-year-old man with a good job and my own house. I’ve been divorced for nine months after a 10-year marriage. Right afterward, I had a month-long fling with a nice 30-year-old woman. She dumped me because she said I was too clingy.

Recently I was introduced to a very pretty girl, Patti, who’s 27. She is athletic and stunningly built, the kind of girl most men would desire but would be afraid of. I am very self-confident and not worried about not looking physically fit or financially stable to this woman (or anyone, for that matter, since I am the go-to guy at my job and can hold my own in most situations).

However, I’ve gotten sensitive over the past year due to some serious family illnesses. Last night a good buddy and I almost came to blows at a party. (He was drunk, and I wasn’t, by the way.) He was calling me names and eyeing Patti, trying to draw me into a fight. I told him that he doesn’t make as much money as I do and has to eat out of a dumpster. (I know, it was stupid, nonsensical talk.) We both came off looking like real asses in front of his wife and Patti, but he’s been bashing me and eyeballing my girl for the past three months. I did say some mean things to him, but if he wants to talk smack, I’ll throw it back at him with a vengeance. I wanted to show Patti that I am a nice guy and not prone to getting upset by a little name-calling, but unfortunately I didn’t succeed too well.

Here’s the problem, Doc. I think Patti likes the attention other guys give her and that she subtly invited my friend’s flirtations. I suspect that she has low Self-Esteem and uses admiring looks from guys to boost it. We have a great romance going and get along really well, but how do I handle the scumbags (even married guys) out there who totally disrespect a guy and the gal he is with? Did “one guy, one girl” go out the window when Sinatra passed away?

Any insights you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Link - who’s trying not to lose his cool

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Hi Link,

I have to wonder, if I interviewed your ex-wife, whether she would say you were too clingy as well. Because as you know, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Man always repeats his mistakes.” Unless you’ve memorized my book, that is. And since you haven’t mentioned it in your letter and you’ve got the problems you’ve got, I have to conclude that you haven’t even read it. What are you waiting for, dude? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Do you want to be a boxer or a lover?”

Now in this ridiculous battle with your so-called friend, you’re comparing physiques and finances like a pair of adolescents. But what about minds? Like my cousin General Love says, “The war has to be won in your brain before it’s won on the battlefield.” If you’ve memorized my principles, you’re going to be fine handling Patti. But since this girl sounds like the twin sister of Jennifer Lawrence, you’ve got your hands full. More than full. You’re going to need every bit of help to hold onto her.

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When your buddy tried to draw you into fisticuffs, you should have taken Patti’s hand and just walked out of there instead of trying to do an imitation of Russell Crowe. As we say in sales, “When it gets too hot in the kitchen, get out!” You should have made a graceful exit instead of playing Macho Boy for Patti. To you Psych majors, when the environment turns ugly, change the environment. It doesn’t mean you’re running from a fight. It means you’re smarter than the other bozo. It means you’ve got more class than to stoop to his level. You can’t make your pal leave the party, but you and your girlfriend can. And that’s what you should have done.

But you didn’t. You got off a good Kevin Hart line about your buddy’s dumpster-diving, but the more important point is this: your girlfriend is right there and she’s watching all of this go down. And she’s sizing you up and recording all of your behavior. That’s the problem.

You had another alternative as well. Instead of going to war with this guy, why didn’t you go and hang out with his wife when he came on to Patti? Flirt with her (you don’t really mean it of course!) instead of getting into a backstreet brawl. Have fun with the whole scene. Like I’ve told you guys before, think of what Cary Grant would do in that situation.

So you’re right. You didn’t succeed too well in showing Patti what a nice, mature guy you were. It’s called lack of Self-Control.

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Some women do boost their Self-Esteem by trying to attract the attention of every guy around. That’s why they dress provocatively. But Patti should be dressing that way only for the guy she has high Interest Level in, not strangers walking down the street. And that raises another question. What’s her Interest Level in you? Is she madly in love with you? Saying you have a “great relationship” doesn’t tell me much. Does she call you all the time? Can she keep her hands off you? You have to give me solid evidence here.

If Patti is that attractive you’d better get used to her attracting looks and not flying off the handle every time it happens. What you have to do is learn Self-Control and not react. Let her flirt with all these fellows. See how often she does it. Check out the type of clothes she wears (or doesn’t wear) when you two are out on the town. And like my cousin Doctor Love says. “Then ask yourself, ‘Hey, can I put up with this for the next 30 years?’”

Because one of these days some guy like your friend is going to be drunk and when Patti says “No,” he’s going to hear “Yes” and then you’ll have a new problem. Unless it’s a get-together with some close friends (the kind you can trust) or a swimming pool party, your girlfriend shouldn’t try to dress like a Maxim Model in public.

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Your question about post-Sinatra comportment is an excellent one. I’m sorry to say there should be respect between guys, but remember, your buddy was drunk. Granted he had high Interest Level in your squeeze to begin with, but his wife should have reined him in and kept him in tow.

So Link, keep track of how Patti acts and dresses when you go out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If she keeps giving men the come-on, you’d better grow a rhinoceros hide or get rid of her.”

Remember, guys: if you take women personally, you’re dead in the water.