He’s Getting Tired Of The Arguments With Her And Needs Doc’s Help

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

Rachel and I have been dating for about two years. We party and have a merry time, but whenever we have an argument like all couples do, she always seems to have the upper hand. We are both extremely prideful, but I will admit usually within an hour or so that I was wrong or that at least her point has merit. When she is wrong though, it’s an entirely different matter. She will never admit that she was wrong. She acts as if I know nothing whatsoever and that not agreeing with her makes me an idiot. Sometimes in these situations I will back down just to avoid a seemingly pointless argument over something that will never happen again.

But the reason I’m writing is because I have hit a problem that IS going to recur. Rachel can’t drive. I have a scooter and she drives it in a very sloppy manner, such as stopping too late and driving too fast. Driving is one of those things that people get very offended over when they are called on their lack of skill. What’s not making it any better is that I took the responsible measure of not allowing Rachel to drive anymore until she listened to me for three minutes and at least promised that she would TRY to take it to heart.

Naturally Rachel is unable to admit that she is wrong and won’t listen to whatever words of wisdom I have to offer when it was me who taught her to drive in the first place. I can usually get her to stop being mad at me by ignoring her for a few days or groveling for a few hours but this is not how I want our relationship to be anymore. Doc, how can I get Rachel to treat me as an equal?

Denny - who is sick and tired of being wrong

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Hi Denny,

First of all, let me straighten you out on something. All couples don’t argue. Ninety percent of couples argue. Ten percent of all couples sit down calmly and discuss things rationally. And, ironically, they have the healthiest relationships.

You tell me that both you and Rachel are prideful. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Pride is a fault, not a virtue.” Neither one of you should have any pride. Why do either you or Rachel cling to pride in a supposedly loving relationship?

Now, if Rachel is never wrong, are you really telling me that you want to live with her for the next 50 years? You want to actually be with a person forever who will never admit that she’s wrong? Can you imagine what that is going to do to your Interest Level? Lots of luck, Denny. You’re going to need it.

But the more disturbing point is this. You’ve already been going with this girl for two whole years – two whole years full of arguments! If you had my program and used it, you would have gotten rid of Rachel after five or six dates. Denny, you’re not going to change this woman now. What you see is what you get. As Elvis Presley once said, “Well, a hard-headed woman, a soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began.” And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Elvis was right.”

You’re doing all the compromising here, pal. Rachel only does what is good for HER. She never thinks about what is good for the relationship. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This woman has a psychological problem. Unless she’s in control, she will never be happy.” And she’s not ever going to really be happy – she just wants to be in control, because if she gave in, you would love her more and she would be happier. But she’s too stupid to see that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Your girlfriend is an idiot.”

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The sloppy driving issue is not really the big problem here, buddy -- it’s actually trivial. What you don’t understand is that the really BIG problem is going to recur, which is that RACHEL IS NEVER GOING TO GIVE IN. You’re going to be married to her until you’re 85 years old and anytime a disagreement pops up, it’s going to have to be her way or the highway. That’s the problem here. And it’s a very tough one because it pollutes this woman’s entire personality.

If Rachel drives poorly, why not just tell her that she can’t use your vehicle again? Not everyone gets offended when you call him or her on his or her lack of driving skill – only your girlfriend does. So don’t project and don’t rationalize the fact that Rachel is a jerk. And why are you lecturing her? You just told me that she never listens to you. Are you nuts or something?

Face reality. Your girlfriend is intransigent. She will NEVER change. And you shouldn’t have wasted two years with her. Why did it take you two whole years to figure this out? You should have had my program, and, like I said, in five or six weeks you would have been out of there.

Instead of ignoring Rachel for a few days, you should tell her to get lost for a month. Say to her, “Get back to me in a month if you’re not going to learn to compromise. If you have to win all the arguments, I don’t want to be with you.” Denny, you’ve been a wimp in this relationship, and that’s why Rachel is steamrolling over you. When you say that you have to grovel, right there you’re admitting that you’re a wuss.

How can have Rachel treat you as an equal? She’ll treat you as an equal as soon as you get rid of her. Of course then she’ll be gone for good.

Remember, guys: if a woman never compromises, she will make you miserable over the long haul.