He’s Heartbroken Over Someone He Doesn’t Know All That Well???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Why is he so caught up with someone that he really doesn't know all that well???

Hey Doc,

After reading your columns I somewhat understand the concept of Challenge and your other principles. I have absolutely no problems getting girls, but it’s usually when I’m emotionally detached. However, I always get stumped when I end up having a CRUSH on a girl. For example, I am in a predicament right now and would appreciate your coaching before your book arrives.

I just started work at this company in a new city, met Marina, who went to the same college as me and happens to work in the same company, though on different projects so we hardly get to see each other. However, we talk online and have lunch together as often as possible. We always go to happy hours together and leave together. We hang out during the weekends and we have made out on numerous occasions. However, we’ve talked about dating and she says that she’s not looking for a relationship and that she still has feelings for her ex. (They dated for three years and only recently broke up but still ‘see’ each other.) Now, via her friends and from her saying it, I know she really likes me and is somewhat interested but I want it to be more than that.

I have tried being a Challenge to Marina by not talking to her for a few days but we always end up doing something. I figure that to get over her I need to cut her out of my life, but then I think hey, I’m potentially losing a good friend here because I can’t keep my emotions in check. My question is this: what should I do? Should I do things to make her more interested in me? Should I stop making out with her when we go out? Or should I cut her out of my life or even tell her I like her?

This is probably longer than you’re used to but I am in dire need of coaching.

Nicolo - who is confused and becoming heartbroken

There are hundreds of videos on Doc's YouTube Channel - here is the latest one:

11/8/2023 - Settling For A Girl??? (Dating Women Radio Show Episode 18)

+DON'T FORGET WE PRODUCE SHORTER VIDEOS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME

Hi Nicolo,

The first problem you have is that you only “somewhat” understand my principles. But as soon as you memorize “The System” your understanding won’t be just partial anymore. You’ll actually have ALL of my techniques down and you’ll be much sharper when you’re dealing with the opposite sex, and also in life for that matter.

Ninety percent of the guys out there don’t have problems getting girls. But once their Interest Level soars up into the 80s and 90s, they can’t see straight anymore, they start doing stupid things and the woman gets turned off. In other words, their biggest problem is that they can’t KEEP a woman in love. My program helps you keep her in love because it takes you from getting her phone number to avoiding divorce court -- SUCCESSFULLY.

The problem when you have a crush on a girl, like you do on Marina, is that your Interest Level is up in the clouds and you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re literally drunk with love. And, Nicolo, you don’t know how to practice SELF-CONTROL. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It’s okay to have feelings of infatuation, but it’s not okay to act on them.”

You shouldn’t be talking to Marina online. It’s okay to have lunch with her once in a while, but stay off the instant messaging. And you shouldn’t be going to happy hours with her either. The point is that you’re seeing her much too much. You say you somewhat understand Challenge, but you’re not working it at all with this girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says. “You’re just way too available.” And as the old saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

If you’re hanging out with Marina on weekends and making out with her all the time, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend, dude. On the other hand, when she says she still has feelings for her ex, you’re dead in the water. If she’s been seeing her ex all this time, you shouldn’t have been seeing her AT ALL. Marina has her ex, who she still dreams about, and she’s got a new turkey – you. So she’s got two guys she’s in love with – theoretically. And I’ve got news for you, Nicolo: if Marina still sees her ex, that means they’re not broken up. You can’t break up and still see each other. That’s Logic 101, pal.

Of course Marina’s somewhat interested in you, but you’re only number three on her list of priorities. Number one is her ex who she’s still seeing, and number two is that she doesn’t want a boyfriend. Number three is you. The question is, why would you want to be number three on any woman’s list?

YOU NEED THE SYSTEM/DATING DICTIONARY TO REALLY WIN WITH WOMEN! GET IT HERE FOR 10% OFF (IMMEDIATE DOWNLOADS OF BOTH THE WRITTEN AND AUDIO VERSIONS!) 

You always end up doing something with Marina because you don’t know how to practice Self-Control, like I said before. Nicolo, you get an “F” in Self-Control. To you Psych majors, when you don’t control yourself, you can’t utilize Challenge because you’re always giving in to the girl. If you didn’t give in, she would start liking you more because supply is diminishing. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When supply goes down, demand goes up.” It’s the law of the marketplace. It works in products and services, and it works in love.

You can’t keep your emotions in check because you have no Self-Control. If I gave you a million dollars to act a certain way with Marina, I bet you could do it. So you have the ability to toughen up.

What should you do? WITHDRAW. What can you do to make Marina more interested in you? WITHDRAW. Stop making out with her. Just kiss her good night. Don’t tell her you like her – she already knows that. She told you she’s not ready for a relationship, but she only told you that because she knows you want one.

Remember, guys: when there’s an ex in the background, you’re wasting your time.