Avoid Becoming The Surrogate Boyfriend

PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP? NO, NO, NO - do not be a SURROGATE BOYFRIEND! Find out what Doc told him to do...

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Hey Doc,

I have had a platonic relationship with a girl for four years. We have done almost everything together, even vacations. Things have gone very well - until about a month ago, shortly after she met her current boyfriend.

When she first told me about the new man in her life, I told her that I was glad that she had finally found someone. But since then, every time I’ve tried to arrange get-togethers with her over the phone (like I’ve always done before) she has either given me the silent treatment or completely ignored my suggestions. When I persist, she often says, “I’ll get back to you.” The problem is: she never does!

She says she wants us to stay friends, but that is very hard for me to do when she treats me like dirt. What’s going on, Doc?

Richard – who wants to know what has changed

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Hi Richard,

Richard, though I usually deal with questions about romance, please allow me to shed light on your current relationship.

Let’s review. Your “friend” is…

1.  Rude for giving you the silent treatment over the phone.

2.  A liar for not keeping her word about getting back to you.

3.  Inconsiderate for constantly keeping you in the dark.

Even though you may be dying inside right now, I wouldn’t view this girl’s departure from your life as any big loss. Why? Because - as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say - "You guys were never that tight to begin with!”

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If she were truly your friend, the new boyfriend only would have affected the amount of time she spent with you, not her respect level. Because the change in her behavior was so abrupt, I can only conclude one thing: you had unknowingly become her Surrogate Boyfriend.

Some women cannot stand to go it alone. They cannot stand to be seen in public without some guy walking next to them - even for a day. If this type of woman has no boyfriend and she is a user, she will attempt to fill the empty space on her dance card by seeking out an undemanding social partner who knows his place. Enter The Surrogate Boyfriend (that’s you, Richard).

The Surrogate Boyfriend is a guy who allows himself to be the puppet of the Lonely Female User. He has high Interest Level in her, but instead of asking her out on a date, he elects to be her friend. Why? Either because he denies his interest or because he mistakenly believes that the friendship will later magically transform into a romance. The reality is quite different.

As time passes, this poor schlep comes to resemble the woman’s serf more than a friend. Like a fireman on a perpetual 48-hour shift, he is always on call for her; he’s always available for the next appointment written on her social calendar. And because he is happy just to be in her presence, he never expects anything back (Not that he would get it!). The shock comes months or years later when she no longer needs him, and she unceremoniously tosses him out of her life like a used Kleenex.

Though Lonely Female Users operate on the sly, they still give out clues of their real identities. They never want to do what you want to do and they only call to change your plans or to ask you for yet another favor. Whereas a true female friend would be concerned about monopolizing your time, The Lonely Female User has no such qualms. Her lack of Interest Level and loyalty makes her indifferent to your needs of fairness, equity, and consideration.

Richard, you may think that I’m off base about your role in this relationship, but the huge amount of time you’ve spent with this girl tells a different story. The vacations you took with her alone go way beyond the call of (friendship’s) duty. Plus - you wouldn’t have written to the world’s greatest expert on romantic relationships if you weren’t the teeniest bit interested in this girl. If you’re fighting me on my analysis, give yourself this test: if she tried to kiss you, would push her away? Of course you wouldn’t.

Richard, you must realize that the new boyfriend is not the problem. You are. Why? Because deep down, you knew you didn’t have a chance with this girl, but you spent your precious dating hours with her anyway. In the process, you made yourself unavailable to hundreds of other women.

If you plan to devote so much time and attention to a woman, you might as well make her your girlfriend. Think of it: you spent four long years with this girl and what do you have to show for it? At least an ex-boyfriend gets kissed.

Richard, chalk this one up to experience and move on to someone who has some consideration for your time and feelings. If this ex-friend calls again, just tell her you’ve got a girlfriend now and you’re busy. From now on, whenever you are interested in a woman, ask her out for a real date. Don’t delude yourself by merely impersonating a boyfriend.

Remember guys, whenever love is involved, you must be ever vigilant against subjectivity. Don’t let high your Interest Level dupe you into entering unrewarding friendships. Instead, let The “System” be the rational voice that guides you through the wilderness of relationships.