Can’t She Stop Talking About Her Exes???

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Hi Doc,

I have the greatest girl in the world. Caprice and I have been dating for over 18 months. She’s a giver, she’s flexible and she’s honest as a nun. We are constantly having fun, and the conversation never dries up. Our families are close, and everyone assumes that we will get married.

But as you say in your DATING DICTIONARY, “There are no clean deals.” And I’m hoping that you can shed some light on my situation.

The problem is that Caprice keeps talking about her old boyfriends. I know you probably think that she’s rubbing them in my face, but she isn’t. She feels that honesty means openness about everything. She inadvertently brags about what great things these guys have done, and I could care less.

I’ve tried ignoring it when she starts gushing about these guys. It’s mainly two different ones and ignoring it doesn’t seem to discourage her. And to be honest, it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I’d like to tell her that it bothers me and ask her to stop. But I’m afraid that if I tell her that it bothers me, then she’ll think I’m insecure and she won’t see me as a Challenge. I know how important you say it is to always be a Challenge. So, how should I handle this, Doc?

Tom – who doesn’t want to hear about her old boyfriends

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Hi Tom,

Women often complain that their dates or boyfriends talk too much about their former girlfriends, but many women are equally guilty of the same indiscretion. (Women also hate it when men look at other women.) A considerable number of gals seem to think that being honest means being open about everything. But honesty and openness are two different things – that’s why they’re spelled differently.

You can be honest without being open, and it’s better not to be “open” about your former lovers. Whether you’re a man or a woman sharing with your current partner all kinds of details about your past relationships is the opposite of romantic, and it’s also unloving. It serves no positive purpose. And most important, it’s disrespectful to the other person.

Tom, although your girlfriend is naïve and is not purposely being unkind to you, she must “get it” that her behavior is starting to jeopardize your relationship. So, here’s what I recommend:

First, use humor to give her the big hint that what she’s doing ain’t Kosher. For instance, when she starts going on and on about what a fantastic singer her ex, Jimmy, is, you say: “Oh yeah? That’s interesting. My ex, Cassandra, used to be a backup singer for Sting until she couldn’t deal with his ego anymore. But you should hear her voice, she makes Christina Aguilera sound like Minnie Mouse. I think Cassandra is such a great singer because she has an amazing lung capacity.” And then wink at your girlfriend and walk out of the room. Let her wonder whether you were for real or not.

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Try the humor strategy up to five times (each time you would use a different silly story) and then if she still doesn’t see the light, you can try simply telling her that her behavior bothers you and that you’d like her to stop. By doing this, you are still being a Challenge because you are saying “no,” setting limits, and insisting that she be respectful. You can tell her twice to cool it if you must, but don’t do it a third time because that would make you a nag.

Hopefully she’ll get the drift by this point. If she continues with her unloving behavior, we will then move to the hardball, ultimatum stage. (As a general rule, I do not recommend using ultimatums. However, sometimes they are necessary when all else fails and your partner is not responding to gentler proddings. You have to know if she’ll get in line BEFORE you say “I do”.)

So, here’s what you can do as a last resort: As soon as she starts in again with the anecdotes about her former lovers, look at your watch and say “oops, I just remembered I have an appointment” (even if it’s ten at night) and then leave abruptly. Don’t call her for a week. If she calls you, let her talk to your answering service.

If she doesn’t wake up after all that, Tom, then her head is made of concrete.

Remember, guys, if she wants to keep you, she can’t disrespect you – and get away with it.