Do You REALLY Want To Be Her “Friend???”

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THIS STORYIS A BIT OF A REVERSAL - HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN HER BUT IS STRUGGLING WITH TELLING HER AND IS WONDERING IF HE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS WITH HER...

READ ON...

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Hi Doc,

I’m recently divorced and just now starting to date again. So, I’m out of practice and need some coaching.

I recently went on a blind date with a woman. Though I wasn’t overly attracted to her, I really enjoyed her company and conversation. I’m not sure what she thought of me, but I would like to see her again on a friendship basis. My question is: how do I go about doing this without hurting her feeling or leading her on?

I feel as though I should at least call her and say I had a nice time even though I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but there is no easy way to do that.

Is it possible to pursue a friendship after going out on a date or is it better to not call her again? I married young and I don’t have a lot of experience with dating, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

Chuck – who doesn’t want to hurt her feelings

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Hi Chuck,

I can tell by tone of the letter you are a good guy, but your notions about dating are in Fairyland. Your naiveté comes from your being locked in a time warp since the day you were married. Let me show you what you’re up against when you try to switch tracks from dating a woman to having a successful friendship with her.

First, let’s suppose that your girl has high Interest Level in you when you propose friendship to her. She will most likely accept your offer in hope of wearing down your resistance to romance over time. Her effort will be in vain, of course. Why? Because your Interest Level in her is 49% or lower, but she’s trying to raise it to 51% or higher. The “System” says this is an impossible feat, by definition.

What will be the result of her futile actions? Frustration will build within her heart until, eventually, resentment will raise its ugly head. You will then hear her say things like: “You knew how I felt about you, so why did you use me?” and “Thanks a lot for breaking my heart, Buster!” In other words, if you try to be friends with a woman with high Interest Level, she won’t stay your friend for long.

Now, let’s suppose your girl has the same low Interest Level in you that you have in her. The good news is: you couldn’t inadvertently hurt her feelings because the both of you would be on the same emotional page. Sounds great, right? Well, that depends on whether or not she’s looking for a new friend. If she is, things can work out fine, but if she isn’t - you could be opening yourself up to having your time wasted. So, to screen out any ladies who would take advantage of your offer of friendship, don’t do any labor-intensive favors for them (like moving furniture for her or waxing her car) and make sure they always pay their own way.

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Chuck, if you are only proposing friendship to this woman in a feeble attempt to save her feelings, you should admit it to yourself right now. Why? Because a misleading song and dance about friendship over the phone hurts a woman more than if you had never called her again. Your girl would much prefer the truth to being misled (I wish women with low Interest Level would be this considerate with men they date!). So, what’s it gonna be, Chuck? Do you really want a friend or are you just trying to unload her? Make up your mind!

The most humane way to say goodbye to a woman you’re not interested in is to never ask for her phone number to begin with. But if you have already gone out with her and have lost your Interest Level during the date, then the next best thing is to never call her again. Though women are rarely the ones getting dumped in the relationship, they can quickly pick up the nonverbal message that a silent telephone delivers (Men, unfortunately, usually aren’t so perceptive!).

The sad fact about breakups is that somebody’s feelings always get hurt. Why? Because in the race to the Low Interest Level finish line, there are no ties for first place. The photo finish always reveals one runner winning by a nose. 90% of the time, it’s the man who turns out to be the loser the moment his lady tells him: “I need my space.”

Chuck, you believe you owe her an explanation for not calling her anymore, but you’ve been out with her once – and on a blind date to boot! Snap out of it. I’m sure she will find another blind date who is just as special to her as you are!

Remember, guys, it’s not that difficult.