Why Can’t He Get A Date? What Can He Do? Doc Coaches Him

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Hey Doc,

I’ve been having some romance problems to say the least, and after soliciting close friends and forums like this for advice, I haven’t been able to find the kind of help I need.

I’m a 22-year-old guy. Growing up, I was the overweight nerdy kid. I’ve lost most of the weight and now consider myself more or less happy with how I look. After drinking way too much and smoking pot to relieve my emotional distress, I went to rehab to get some stuff straight and reassess my life goals. I also recently figured out I have some conditions like hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder.

My problem is that I’ve never had any experience whatsoever with women. I’ve never gone on a date EVER. I have kissed girls here and there while very drunk, but that’s about it. I am very happy with the rest of my life except for this one, huge, unavoidable area. Having been fat and rejected for 90% of my life, I have no idea how to make that first step with a woman or how to play it cool while also being ‘honest’ in that I’ve never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I realize it’s now or never. And if not now, then when?

So I need your advice. What should I do in general? I work out nearly every day and have a pretty good physique. I catch girls looking at me, checking out my arms and abs. I am a nice guy and I project that quality. But I still don’t know what to do!

There are lots of pretty girls where I’m going to college, but I don’t have the first clue how to get one on a date. Please help.

Quinton - who’s truly desperate

Hi Quinton,

Of course you haven’t found effective help yet, pal, because you haven’t come to me until now. Your friends and the other love doctors out there don’t know how to coach you; that’s not their business. But never fear – when you came to me you came to the best.

First of all, Quinton, you’re not 22 years old. You’re 22 years young. You’re just a baby, and that’s a good thing. Lots of people I know would love to trade ages with you -- including me.

It’s great that you went into rehab, Quinton, because it shows that you’re trying to improve yourself. And improving yourself is what it’s all about. For your hyperactivity and ADD, get yourself a good doctor with a sheepskin on the wall and make sure that she takes good care of you. Because with all the medical progress that’s been made, conditions like yours don’t have to be hopeless.

But despite all this, we’re still going to make you into a lover boy – as long as you do and say everything exactly as I tell you.

Actually, Quinton, it’s great that you’ve had no experience whatsoever with women. It means you’re not coming to me with a bunch of garbage in your head that I’m going to have to clean out. You’re starting off fresh, which is wonderful because it means you don’t have all kinds of preconceived notions like most of the guys who come to me.

Quinton, once you internalize “The System” you’re not going to have to get bombed anymore to kiss a girl. I’m going to give you a game plan to get you out of this mess.

Nobody has to know about anything negative that’s ever happened in your past, including your boozing and pot-smoking and being overweight. Why? Because you’re never going to bring it up. Ever. It’s going to be your secret and my secret. And that is called being closed, which is the opposite of being open, which is what all those other incompetent love doctors want you to be. To you Psych majors, this is not a matter of honesty, it’s a matter of privacy and whatever you did is nobody’s business but yours. And you’re not going to open your mouth about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities because they are not going to get you any empathy or sympathy, and most importantly THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO RAISE INTEREST LEVEL.

“Now or never” is way too much pressure to put on yourself, buddy. You’re only 22, Quinton. You’ve got a lifetime ahead of you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If you were 62, you’d have a problem.” But at your age you’re okay.

So here’s the first thing you have to do. YOU’VE GOT TO GET MY MATERIALS AND MEMORIZE THEM. Your answer for what to do about your impasse is the Dating Dictionary. You have to reach the point where you just look at a chapter title in my book to know exactly what’s there even if you close the book. In other words, you have to be mentally prepared before you go out there. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, you’ve got to have a substantial plan in place in your mind before you can do anything at all when it comes to women.”

When babes check out your arms and abs, just smile at them. And if they’re standing close, here’s what you say: “Hi. What’s your name?” Then paste a bigger smile on your lips. That’s going to be your second step.

I don’t know how you reached the conclusion that girls know you’re a nice guy just by pumping iron. You probably are a nice guy and you sound like a nice guy, but just by having someone look at you while you’re curling 40 pounds on each arm, how can you possibly know what you’re projecting? Did you interview these women after you got through working out? If not, then you don’t know what you’re projecting, Quinton. So you have this idea and maybe a few other ideas in your brain that have to be flushed out. But that will happen naturally as you commit my principles to memory.

Here’s something else I want you to do. Start taking ballroom dancing lessons. When you do, you’ll be interacting with lots of different women. You’re not going to come on to them, but after all this dancing you’ll begin to feel comfortable with them, you’ll be kidding with them, and eventually you’ll ask them if they have a girlfriend for you. But that will come later. Quinton, I want you to become such a great dancer that you can actually enter contests.

Remember, guys: unless you’re prepared, you can’t meet and keep Ms. Right.