25+ Never Had A Girlfriend – Can Doc Help? YES

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hi Doc,

First let me say THANKS, because I’ve learned so much from you!

I’m 26 years old; currently unemployed, and have never had a long-term relationship with a girl. While on vacation with my friend recently we saw lots of girls in restaurants, bars, theaters, even in church. My friend is a scientist, very articulate, and has a girlfriend (who he cheats on, incidentally), and whenever we encountered a female he would encourage me to go up to her and get her phone number. If I’m interested in a girl I naturally take the initiative and try and get her number. But I also have this “sixth sense” that tells me whether a girl is interested in me and prevents me from wasting my time chasing a lost cause. My friend kept urging me to forget my intuition and just go up to her and get her number. His philosophy is that I should get as many numbers as I can, don’t put all my eggs in one basket (which I tend to do by getting fixated on one girl at a time) and that way I won’t get hurt.

Anyway, while we were on this vacation I caved in to his nagging and approached a girl at a nearby table in a pub and asked for her number. Now I’m not shy, and excuse me for being pessimistic, but from previous experience I was convinced that this girl wasn’t going to give me her number. She hadn’t been looking at me, for one thing. My friend said he’d accompany me to the table when I went.

We both went over, made some small talk, and then I asked for her number. Surprisingly, she gave it to me, but frankly, I’m still questioning why she did. I figure she must be playing with me since I can sometimes be naïve on the uptake in social situations. She lives about an hour away, and it’s been a few days and I haven’t called her yet.

The reason I’m writing you is that I feel that I know myself and pick up on girls’ lack of signals to me, but my friend is always after me for not taking opportunities that supposedly present themselves. I hate feeling pressured to have to do something when I don’t think it’s going to succeed. Am I being too down on myself? Any advice you could give me on this conflict would be deeply appreciated.

Walker - who doesn’t like to go against his instincts

Have you checked out Doc's latest video?  This week's subject is: Can you escape the friend zone?  YES, but it's better not to get stuck there to begin with!

Hi Walker,

First of all, thanks for the thank you.

Now, my friend, are you out there pounding the pavements for a job 10 hours a day? I certainly hope so. What are you saying to all these girls you’re meeting when they ask where you work? Are you telling them you’re between careers?

Walker, if your buddy gets away with cheating on his girl, you can learn a lot from this guy, though the two of you have it only half right. It’s good that he encourages you to be aggressive and get phone numbers, but he should be the point man. In other words, he should have gone and rapped to the girl in the pub in place of you. Since he has nothing to lose, he could have sized her up and you wouldn’t have to have been involved. The way it stands now, he’s happy to make you go to war, but he doesn’t want to carry the gun himself. So he should take the point and back you up. He’s a cheater, right? Approaching girls is no skin off his nose.

Taking the initiative and getting the girl’s phone number is what you should always do. But regarding this so-called “sixth sense” of yours, you have to ask yourself: are you 100% right on? Or are you usually right, or just sometimes right? My principles state that if a lady is standing there and it’s no big deal to move in on her, then you should approach her like a gentleman, strike up a conversation, and ask her for the phone number.

And forget about getting “fixated,” dude. What in the world are you thinking? Have you noticed how many attractive girls are running around out there? When you’re going with a girl for six months and she dumps you, then you can get hurt and cry. But when a girl turns you down for a phone number, you can’t get all sensitive.  

Walker, you’re manufacturing a big problem here. Dating is a numbers game. As we say in sales, you’re not going to close every deal. And guys, you have to remember NEVER TO TAKE WOMEN PERSONALLY.

Most girls give you buying signals. But a small minority don’t. And maybe this girl you were after, Walker, was the ultra-conservative type, and she didn’t want to appear cheap trying to pick up a guy in a pub who’s on welfare. (You better land a job fast. When you’re gainfully employed again you’ll walk more erect and the girls will notice and send you positive signals.)

But you did go up to this honey anyway. Good for you. And she gave you her phone number.  So much for your intuition! Intuition doesn’t lie, but you have to know how to read it.

Nevertheless, the fact that she gave you the number means nothing; so don’t worry about whether or not she’s just playing with your head. Until you get to ten to twelve dates with a girl, none of this preliminary stuff means anything. You’re just getting started here. And since you’ve never been with a girl for a long time, you’ve got a lot to learn.

You say you’re naïve. Why are you laying this trip on yourself, pal? Don’t worry about whether or not you’re reading her signals correctly. You’re just going to Starbucks for half an hour to check her out. You’re not giving this girl a whole night of your time and dropping $68.50. You’re buying her a fancy latte for $10.00 and a $5 tip -- because you’re a guy who knows how to tip, even though you’re on the unemployment compensation queue every other week.

Your friend’s right about the fact that you’re not capitalizing on opportunities. But the odds aren’t so good the way you’re doing it. It’s always better to go after a girl who’s giving you buying signals. But if you’re out on the town and you can get a number, how long does it take? Twenty seconds, that’s all. No big deal. Like I said, it’s a numbers game. You have to go through a lot of them before you find the right one. And you never know where or when that’s going to happen, so it’s best to try as many as possible.

My friend, you’re being way, way too down on yourself. Are you sure you read my book? You have to stop being so scared of women, that’s your main problem, and the first step in overcoming your fear is committing the Dating Dictionary to memory so that you’re armed and ready for anything. (And again, let me remind you that you were wrong about the girl in the pub, because she gave you her number. So much for your negative instincts.)

Remember, guys: until you do your homework, nothing’s going to happen.