Should He Worry About Her Older “Friend?”

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I always enjoy reading your columns about dating and relationships, but I never thought I’d be the one asking you for coaching.

I’m a 21-year-old college student with a 20-year-old girlfriend named Brandi. We’ve been going out for five years now, and she is the only really serious relationship I’ve ever been in. Over the past few months we’ve started to fight all the time, mostly over an instructor at her college and the texts she got from him. This annoyed me enormously, and I constantly expressed my discontent with it. One night I caught a text that this guy sent to Brandi stating “Act like my hand is a proton and your panties are electrons.” Immediately I become furious and demanded to know if she was cheating on me, to which she replied that the instructor was a long-time friend of hers and that’s how he talks to all his friends. I wasn't buying it. She stopped talking to him, but we decided to take a break from our relationship and date other people.

We broke up for a month and a half, and I must admit that a lot of the time we were apart I thought of Brandi. One night she called and asked if I wanted to come over to her place, so I did. When I arrived she said that she’d been thinking a lot and realized that she really wanted to be with me and that I was the only one who made her happy in life, and the only one who she could be herself around. I told her I missed her too, and soon we started to date again. However, I later found out that during our breakup she in fact did have feelings for this other guy (who is, by the way, 40 years old). He told her many things that he wanted to “do to” her. Apparently they went on a lunch date, and it was there that they both decided that their friendship should remain a friendship, and should not go any further.

When Brandi told me this, I instantly felt betrayed and jealous. I asked her if she was still seeing the guy, and she told me "As a friend, yes. That’s all we will ever be." She says that I need to get over the fact that she had feelings for him, because she has none whatsoever now, and that I am the only one in her life.

So, Doc, am I overreacting? Shouldn’t Brandi stop seeing this guy to ease my worries? Should I demand it? I am completely lost, mostly because I decided a long time ago that Brandi was the one for me. Please help!

Barnaby - who’s unsure of his future

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Hi Barnaby,

Let me ask you a question. How is it that you’ve got a girlfriend you’re having trouble with, you’re reading my columns, you believe in what I say, and yet it doesn’t enter your mind to get hold of “The System?” And then, when you have a problem with a woman, it’s too late to do anything about it because you’re caught completely off guard and unprepared. Would you rather suffer than gain control over your romantic life?

Brandi might be the only serious relationship you’ve been in, pal, but what about her? Do you know what she’s been doing all the time for last five years? Do you know about all the other guys she’s supposedly “only been talking to” when you weren’t watching?

You’re fighting all the time now because Brandi’s Interest Level is LOW. When a woman’s Interest Level is up in the 90s, she doesn’t argue. But when it’s down in the 50s, she argues, and then she drops you. But you don’t know that because you don’t have my book, the book you decided not to buy after reading my articles. Barnaby, what you’re getting is help in fragments. What you need is a whole book full of help!

When you discovered that Brandi was fooling around with this college instructor, you jumped all over her. In other words, you nagged. And you can’t nag a woman -- any guy on top of his game knows that. What you should have told Brandi was “Look, as long as you want to text this guy, I’m not going to be your boyfriend, and that’s the end of it.” But being a weakling, like 90% of the men in romantic relationships out there, you got played and went right along with it.

Why did you ask this girl if she was cheating on you when you knew she was cheating? She might not be cheating physically, but she’s certainly cheating emotionally with this guy, right? Were you really that desperate to want to believe her, Barnaby? If this girl had Integrity and Loyalty and 95% Interest Level, she wouldn’t be pulling this crap with this guy.

What do you mean, you both decided to take a break from the relationship? You didn’t decide anything, dude. This breakup was all Brandi’s doing. You had nothing to do with the decision.

I’m sure you thought of Brandi when you broke up. Your Interest Level is 95% and hers is 55%, and she’s got you wrapped into a pretzel. Of course you went flying to her place when she summoned you because if you had any cojones, you would have said NO to her. When she told you that you were the only one for her, you said “Let me think about it for another month and get back to you,” right? Yeah, right. No, instead, you told her you couldn’t live without her.

Now let me get this straight. The prof told your girl all kinds of things he wanted to do her and she never said “Get lost?” That means this girl is deeply in love with you, it’s obvious to me! Hey, I think the old guy has my book, and you don’t!

But Brandi swears the professor and her are only friends. Let me tell you something, buddy: male and female friends don’t talk about sex. Brandi is stretching the boundaries, but your Interest Level is sky high, your ego has told you to forget Doc Love, and you’re so needy that you’re going to go crawling back to her no matter what she does.

Are you overreacting to what’s going on? No, you’re not overreacting at all – you’re just a kiss-ass, that’s all. You may as well face the facts, guy: Brandi is never going get rid of the professor. If anybody is going to get dumped, it’s you, not him. You can’t demand anything here – you have no power in the relationship whatsoever. Brandi has you dangling on a string like a puppet. If you had any power, she wouldn’t have been talking to this guy to begin with!

So you may have decided that Brandi was the one for you, but guess what? You’re not the one for Brandi.

Remember, guys: when she has feelings for another guy, that means she doesn’t like you as much as you think.