UH OH – His “Friends With Benefits” Situation Is Turning Into More For Him But She May Not Want More…

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I’m new to your articles but I’ve spent considerable time looking through them and unfortunately, I don’t know if the coaching in them would apply to my particular scenario.

I’m 20, going to college, and I just moved into a new apartment about a month ago. While moving in, my friends and I met the neighbor, a recently graduated nurse named Katie that I'm really attracted to. We finished moving my stuff in, and we all hung out at her apartment until very late. Long story short, my friends were leaving and she was holding my belt loop to keep me there. We ended up being romantic. It was so great that we wound up making out for half the night. We both said we didn’t want a steady relationship and agreed to a “friends with benefits” relationship, the only caveat being that if one of us hooked up with someone else, we’d have to tell each other.

Well, it’s been about a month, and we’ve gotten together about four days a week since that first night. Now that I’ve gotten to know Katie better, I’m finding myself more and more attracted to her, even though I swore off relationships until after college to focus on my studies. The two of us have very different personalities in some regards (music, politics) but very much the same in others (very loyal to friends, very into cuddling, food, movies, etc). I think that we have enough to start a real relationship on.

I want to know what I could do to pull something permanent out of this, without risking the “relationship” we have now. How can I drive this woman wild with love? I’m sure that if I openly state my feelings I’ll never see her again, and yet I want to call her my own. Please help!

Ravi - who doesn’t want to blow a good thing

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Hi Ravi,

Of course my coaching applies to your particular scenario. They apply to every scenario when it comes to dating and relationships. But you also need to get hold of and memorize my Dating Dictionary, which complements and reinforces my columns.

Hanging out at Katie’s apartment with all of your buddies as soon as you met her was a blunder. For starters, it was a variation of a group date, which you know is an ABSOLUTE NO-NO if you had read my book. Second, you spent way too much time with Katie. Third, this girl is your neighbor, so she’s not going anywhere. That’s three strikes. Looks like you struck out on the very first night and you don’t even know it!

When Katie was tugging on your belt loop, you should have turned to her and said “What’s your phone number?” And once you got it, you should have gotten out of there.

But you didn’t. You not only hung around too long the first night, you went and saw her all the time without taking a break. As usual, 90% of you guys come on too fast, too strong and too heavy.

So, you have a “friends with benefits” relationship with Katie? Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “What the heck is that supposed to mean? Does that mean she wants to keep her options open? Or that she’s got two other boyfriends on the side?”

And why in the world would you get yourself locked into a contract with this girl, Ravi? To you Psych majors; there should never be any type of definition of what the nature of the relationship is or is going to be in the future. Why would you want to limit your possibilities? More importantly, you should have Katie wondering what the relationship is. And by the way, Ravi, if you hooked up with someone else or Katie hooked up with someone else and then you had to tell each other, what would that prove?

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You see Katie four days a week? You mean that’s all? Why not seven? Why not move straight into her place? Dude, you’re seeing this girl way too much. And now you’re finding yourself even more attracted to her. So now you’re going against the contract you set up! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You got any clue what you’re doing, pal?”

You might have enough to start something permanent with Katie, but you can’t let it develop because you’ve already tied yourself down verbally to one kind of relationship. You’ve made a ridiculous contract with a complete stranger about what your feelings are going to be over the long haul. How stupid is that?

Here’s what you need to do: see Katie less. You have to cut your togetherness down to twice a week from four times a week. If she starts chasing you because you’re not seeing her enough, you could then turn this into the proper kind of relationship.

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The only way you can drive this woman wild with love is by disappearing, my friend, but I have to question whether you have it in you.

No, Ravi, you’re not thinking of reining yourself in. You’re thinking about the exact opposite. You’re actually contemplating “openly stating your feelings!” If you’re even thinking of pulling a daytime talk show guest and spilling your guts to this woman, I have to wonder how many of my articles you actually did read! Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, displaying any kind of weakness on the battlefield is an invitation to disaster.”

See, Ravi, you have everything backwards. You have to get Katie to call you her own instead of the other way around. And the only way you’re going to do it is by backpedaling. Because you got yourself so enmeshed in this goofy relationship, you’re going to have to withdraw.

Remember, guys: if she has to chase you, it’s better for everybody.