She Wants Space Now That She’s Free?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

I am a new student who wishes he had your book 15 or 20 years ago as it’s really opened my eyes to the key to successful dating and it would have prevented me from making the same old mistakes again and again. I am now 35 and I hope it’s not too late to change the way I go about things because up until now my dating experiences have not exactly been what you would call successful.

Now here’s my problem. I was getting close to Sabrina, who I work with. Then she asked for some space while she sorted things out at home with her boyfriend, who she lived with. I took this to mean that her Interest Level in me dropped and that she was saying this to prevent my feelings being hurt. I backed off and was polite to her when I saw her at work and made small talk when necessary, but I tried not to let my very high Interest Level show.

Last week Sabrina moved out and has now gone home to stay with her mother. I’ve avoided her at work, as I don’t want to be in her face while she is going through what must be a very stressful time. Is this the right thing to do? The last thing I want is to put any sort of pressure on Sabrina or make her feel awkward in any way. I must stress that she didn’t move out because of our relationship, because there isn’t one. She moved out because she was unhappy, simple as that.

I guess what I’d like to know, Doc, is how you would have played things and what should I do in the days and weeks ahead? Should I just forget about Sabrina even though I really like her or should I keep giving her the space she wanted and then ask for a date in the future? If so, how long should I wait before I ask her?

One last thing. I bought Sabrina a book she’s interested in. Should I give it to her? If so, when? I just wanted to do something nice for her to cheer her up a bit.

Many thanks, Doc, for all your time and help.

Tyson - who hopes he hasn’t already screwed it up

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Hi Tyson,

When you say you made mistakes over and over again, you really said a mouthful. What a guy doesn’t realize is that when he goes out with Sally, then Lynn and then Mary, and they all dump him; they dump him for some variation of the same reason. If he’s a Macho Boy, they dump him because he tries to dominate. And if he’s a Wimp, they get rid of him because they get tired of giving the guy orders. But the common denominator is waning Interest Level.

But rest assured, Tyson, as long as you’re breathing and you love women, “The System” will help you tremendously.

You say you were getting close to Sabrina. Were you trying to get close to her, or – and this is the vastly more important question -- was she trying to get close to you? Because what we have to be talking about here is not your Interest Level – it’s her Interest Level. Her Interest Level is the only thing that matters – not yours.

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On to the issue of space. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Man, anytime a woman uses the word ‘space,’ you’re in deep trouble.” Because when she pulls out that dreaded word, it means her Interest Level in you is drooping into the 40s or the 50s (most likely the 40s).

It’s possible that Sabrina’s Interest Level dropped, but more likely it was never there in the first place. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Maybe you were just projecting your Interest Level onto her like most males do.”

Gosh, Tyson, you couldn’t really have read my book and believe that this girl’s “protecting your feelings,” could you? Where in the world did you get that idea? Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “Son, you gotta lay off the Jack Daniels!” Again -- women only care about their Interest Level. If they don’t have high Interest Level, they could care less about you. It’s the nature of the beast. Like the Reality Factor says, low Interest Level means she doesn’t care about your feelings.

Of course you can’t put your very high Interest Level on display at your job. In fact, you should have been letting this girl come to you all along, and not vice-versa.

You think Sabrina’s going through a stressful time? Dude, her ex-boyfriend’s the one who’s freaking out – he just got dumped! Heck, Sabrina’s happy! She’s ecstatic! She’s free to do whatever she wants. She’s already looking for the next turkey, don’t you get it?

So don’t back off from her. If I were you I’d just go ahead and ask her out right now. Since she’s living with her mom now, you can just get it over with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When she turns you down, you can throw the number away and forget the whole thing once and for all.”

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Now let me explain something to you. You can only put pressure on women with low Interest Level. To you Psych majors, you can’t put pressure on a girl with high Interest Level, because she already digs you a lot. The only reason Sabrina will feel awkward is because she already told you once that she needs her space and you want to bug her. Until she knocks on your door, you should have nothing to do with her. In the meantime, make all the other girls at the office laugh and leave it at that.

Buddy, you don’t have a relationship going with this girl. She had low Interest Level in this other guy and she wanted her space. She got her space by breaking up with him. And she told you she wanted her space and that’s why you think you’re going to be pressuring her. Psych 101.

Once you found out Sabrina was living with a guy, you should have backed off until she moved out. But you were hustling her while she was shacking up. Big mistake.

I wouldn’t ask this babe for a date in the distant future because you already asked her once and she said no. If she’s interested in you she’ll come on to you. The death knell was her use of that terrible word -- “space.”

How long should you wait before you ask her out? Like my cousin General Love would say, “Until Armageddon!”

Now why would want to give a gift to a girl you’re not dating? Unless you’re seeing her, you don’t give her anything. In the second place, you don’t spring for a gift until she’s in love with you. You’re so far ahead of yourself it’s not even funny. Are you sure you read my book?

Tyson, let’s get real. You don’t really want to cheer Sabrina up. You want to trumpet your Interest Level like most guys do. You could care less about showing Sabrina sympathy. Why don’t you just give the book to someone else in the office who doesn’t care about you, or somebody you don’t care about? Think about it.

Remember, guys: women help you when they like you.