The Fact That Her Parents Won’t Accept Him Is Not His Biggest Problem

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

Lisa and I have been going out for 10 months now. She’s two years older than me. I’m Caucasian and she’s Chinese and I love her.

The problem is that her parents won’t accept me for being English or younger than she is. They want Lisa to be with an older, rich Chinese guy. Lisa refuses to tell them about our relationship out of fear of what they will say or do. This is a big problem. I am not allowed into her house because of her parents. She works for them at their restaurant and looks after her baby sister to help her mother out, so our only free day together is Sundays. Meeting during the week is difficult because she’s so busy every night.

Incidents have happened where I’ve taken two buses to meet Lisa and then had to wait down the road from her house because her dad asked her to baby-sit at the last minute or asked her to translate for him while shopping. When this happens, Lisa’s text message to me goes like this: “I’m so sorry. I love you.” But after an inbox full of these messages, they start to lose meaning. I’ve even had to hide when we spot her uncles and aunts around town and it frustrates me. This conflict has been the fuel of quite a few arguments between Lisa and me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t force Lisa to tell her parents about us, and obviously she will choose her family over me even though she tells me otherwise.

At the start of the relationship Lisa told me about these potential problems, but it didn’t seem like such a big thing. Now these issues seem to get in the way of everything. Lisa has promised me that she will tell her parents about us by the time we leave university, but I think that if she hasn’t told them by now, she’s never going to tell them.

Lisa is the girl of my dreams but I can’t go on like this. Is all my effort for nothing? What can and should I do?

Mack - who wishes he hadn’t gotten in so deep

Have you checked out Doc's latest FREE video: 5 SIGNS SHE LIKES YOU (REMEMBER,  THE NEXT  VIDEO COMES OUT ON 6/18/2023 - HOW TO INITIATE A KISS ON A DATE)

Hi Mack,

Of course you love Lisa. You’re writing about her, aren’t you? But how does she manifest her love towards you? What I want to know about is HER Interest Level. Because as I’ve told you guys a million times already, HER Interest Level is the only thing that really matters.

If Lisa refuses to tell her folks about you, you have a major problem. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If a girl will not tell her parents about you, she is not the right girl for you. PERIOD.”

You can only see this girl one night a week? Mack, let me ask you something. How and why did you go along with all these restrictions and conditions?  I can understand undergoing this sort of torture if you’re a ninth-grader and you don’t know any better, but you’re a grown man, dude, and you’re doing all the work here. Why? How do you rationalize getting yourself into this mess? It’s obvious you haven’t even skimmed my book.

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When Lisa texts you that she loves you, what she should add is “but I don’t love you enough to leave my parents!” Because that’s the crux of the matter here. Of course the mounting excuses lose their meaning.

But despite this mountain of evidence that you’re in a world of trouble here, you claim you don’t know what to do. I’ll tell you what to do: drop Lisa and move on. Listen to me, Mack: this girl and this relationship is a waste of time. This is never going to work because Lisa will never leave her parents for you. Period. Get that? I’ll repeat it so you do. SHE WILL NEVER DISOBEY HER PARENTS FOR YOU. SO GET OUT NOW.

Lisa might tell you that she’ll eventually choose you over her folks, but her actions say exactly the opposite. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Once the pattern is set, there’s no changing it.” But what I want to know is why you didn’t figure this all out a lot sooner. It’s like the guy and girl who go to the University of Texas and fall in love there. At graduation she goes back home to New York, and he goes back home to Oregon. The upshot? It was dead from the beginning.

A great tribute to Doc!  Check this out on DatingAdvice.com!

 To you Psych majors, men don’t look at the long term when it comes to women. And that’s what “The System” does. My book teaches you to recognize all the possible red flags in relationship, which might look like tiny bumps in the road but are actually as big as Mount Everest. This thing with her family didn’t seem like such a big thing at the beginning because like most men you don’t listen and you don’t think in the long term. And that’s why most men need me.

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My friend, Lisa’s not telling her parents anything about you and her when you two leave school. She has to tell them NOW and get this over with or you have to drop her NOW. That’s the only choice you have. I don’t believe in ultimatums, but you’ve backed yourself into a corner here and there’s no way to get out of it unless this issue is resolved. You have to tell Lisa to talk to her parents immediately and if they disinherit her, so be it.

This girl doesn’t even want to see you six days out of seven, but you insist she’s the girl of your dreams. Lisa can’t be your dream girl, pal. She has 100% Interest Level in her parents and 98% Interest Level in you. You LOSE.

Yes, all of your effort has been for naught. This has all been a gigantic waste of time. But you can’t blame Lisa. She’s an honest lady. She told you up front that her family was a major issue and that they would only allow her to marry someone from her own culture, so you shouldn’t get all wound up about her because it was dead from the beginning. In that sense, it’s exactly like a long-distance relationship.

What should you do? Tell Lisa to talk to her parents. If she can’t do it, she’s OUT.

Remember, guys: if her family will never accept you, don’t fall in love with her.