She Wants To Marry Him But He Wants To Break Up?

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

He really can't marry her - find out why...

Hey Doc,

I am a junior in college, and after I graduate I plan on going to dental school, so I have a good five years before I have a steady job and income to go along with it. I’ve been dating Sarah for almost four years now. She also happens to be my only serious relationship. My problem lies in making the decision to marry her or not. If I’m going to marry her, I feel like I should do it sometime before I start my first or second year of dental school. If I decide not to marry her, I need to break it off now. Sarah would marry me tomorrow if I asked her. She would do almost anything I ask her to (within reason). I can tell she genuinely loves me. It would be very hard to find another girl who loves me as much as Sarah does.

But Doc, I’m very unsure that I want to spend the rest of my life with Sarah. I love her, but it’s hard to see myself spending 40 years with her and staying happy. I don’t believe in divorce, so I’m very cautious about who I tie the knot with. I understand that boredom comes with every marriage, but if it comes before marriage, is that a warning sign to not go through with it? Another problem is that Sarah is very sweet and loving towards me, but she gives off a “bitch vibe” to other people so they don’t tend to like her as much. I am attracted to her physically and mentally, but I often wish that she was more friendly towards other people so they could see what I see.

Another thing that bothers me about Sarah is that she always needs me. She would literally spend every waking second with me if I would allow it. Sometimes I find myself just needing a break from her. She gets angry though if I ever ask not to see her for a weekend. She would probably think automatically that something was wrong. And so I imagine how it would be when we are married and I’m with her all the time. I also don’t like anyone in her family, so that’s also a minus, and sometimes we get in fights over stupid things.

On the positive side, she is very low maintenance. She never likes me to spend a lot of money on her, but I do sometimes anyway. Her family is lower middle class so she doesn’t need the best of everything. One more good point is that she doesn’t need other guys’ attention. She dresses appropriately but always asks me if it’s too revealing. She values my opinion over anyone else.

Doc, our breakup could prove to be a very messy one. At times you could say that Sarah is borderline obsessive. Am I being too picky? What are a wife’s good qualities?

Alejandro - who is on the fence

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Hi Alejandro,

It’s nice that Sarah’s Interest Level is way up in the 90s, but when you say you are “VERY UNSURE” of marrying her, you are telling me you have a massive problem with this girl. This is a HUGE RED FLAG, pal. What you’re really saying is that there’s a lot about Sarah you don’t know you can put up with for the rest of your life.

Dude, you should be very cautious about who you tie the knot with. But that’s where my program comes in. After you’ve studied my materials, you will know whether a woman is the right one or the wrong one for you. And even more importantly, there won’t be any gray areas. You’ll know exactly what you’re doing at all times.

Is boredom a warning sign before marriage? Well, when you go with a girl for four years, you’re going to have moments of boredom – that’s part of the process and part of reality. But it depends on how bored you are. Are you bored with Sarah 100% of the time? Or are you only bored 5% of the time? The percentage is everything here.

But you also say that Sarah gives off a nasty vibe to other people. So what you’re also telling me is that everyone who meets your wife for the next 40 years -- at all the social gatherings and professional conferences and church functions -- is going to think that your wife is a bitch. Do you want that, Alejandro? How are you ever going to go out with other couples and enjoy a dinner with them when they don’t want to be around your wife?

But here’s the really bad part: you’re not going to change this girl’s personality. If she gives off a negative vibe and you recognized it all this time, it’s not simply going to go away. The bad vibe is going to last for the rest of the relationship.

But when you say that Sarah always needs you, you’re dead in the water. To you Psych majors, this is the deal-breaker. Because what you’ve got here is a NEEDY WOMAN. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “A needy woman will drive a man nuts.” If you go ahead and marry Sarah, anytime you want to go somewhere or do anything you’ll have to check in with her. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you marry this type of woman, you might as well give her a prison guard outfit, because she’s going to be a guard and you’re going to be a prisoner.”

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Unfortunately there’s more. You can’t stand her family. So you hate her relatives and everyone thinks she’s a bitch. Wow, great combination, amigo.

When you say Sarah is low maintenance, you’re contradicting yourself. A needy woman is HIGH MAINTENANCE. The maintenance of a woman doesn’t only have to do with money. It also has to do with her emotional baggage. And it has to do first and foremost with how much space she allows you to have in the relationship. And, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “With this girl, you’re going to be joined at the hip.”

I’m sure that Sarah has some great qualities, as you point out. But like my cousin Doctor Love says, “There are always a few good things about a bad girl.” But this girl is going to drive you crazy with her neediness. The fact is that she’s already doing it, and that’s why you’re writing me a letter, but you just don’t see it. Then throw in your feelings of boredom and it’s not a good sign, dude.

Of course the breakup will be messy – you have four years in with this girl. How could you expect anything different? You’re not being too picky. You’re smart for not rushing into anything, guy, and for that you deserve some credit.

What are a wife’s good qualities? Well, the very first one is that she gives you space to be yourself and have your own life. Does Sarah do that?

Remember, guys: if she won’t let you breathe, you better think twice about marrying her.