Tolerate A Platonic Boyfriend???

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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).

Hey Doc,

Here’s the situation. A few months back I met Rosalee. She’d just gotten out of a 12-year marriage and had trust issues with men. She had a male best friend who lived with her, and she claimed it was strictly platonic. This guy works on offshore rigs here in Louisiana and is gone a good deal of the time.

At first the relationship was hard. Rosalee would never go on dates with me or even give me the time of day. The most I got were a few text messages and phone calls here and there. During this time, my father passed away and the only person there for me was Rosalee. While she had extreme trust issues, she told me that she liked me and made a trip out to my job just to see me. We spent some time together and got romantic. But she would always hide the fact that we were dating from the world. I noticed that when her platonic roommate would call her that she would dart off to another room or go outside to talk to him.

In any event, we carried on with our relationship until her roommate came back onshore. Everything halted for us and she began to go everywhere with him. She blew off our planned weekend together so she could vacation with him. She knew I was upset, and she called me to talk about it, but she went anyway.

When she returned, Rosalee seemed attached to me and wanted to be around me more often, just not in front of her roommate. It turned out that the roommate told her that he loved her more than just as a friend and wanted to be her boyfriend. She told me that this made her uncomfortable, but she still seemed to like him more than me. Eventually he went back offshore and she wanted to spend more time with me.

Rosalee always tells me that I am the one, her soul mate, and that we are meant to be together forever. She told me she was over her commitment issues and wanted us to be together, but she still hides our relationship from her friends and told her platonic roommate that I was only a friend as well.

Recently Rosalee said a family member broke her heart and that she felt numb, but she told me she loved me and that we were still an item. But she has not texted me or returned any of my text messages. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I want to be with this girl or not or if she’s worth the time wasted.

What should I do, and how should I go about doing it? The last time we talked Rosalee and I were in a relationship, but I can’t figure her out. Please help me.

Dane - who’s exhausted by it all

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Hi Dane,

Okay, so Rosalee had trust issues with men. Right off the bat you’re telling me that this girl has SCARS and BAGGAGE, as opposed to some other woman who doesn’t have these dangerous problems with men. So this begs the question: why would you pick this girl? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “You were in trouble before you even got started!”

Not only that, but she was living with a guy. I’m sure it was strictly platonic on her part, but what about him? To boot, he’s gone lots of the time, which means they have time to miss each other!

You say the relationship was hard at first. Dane, I’m shocked! Why should the fact that Rosalee has major issues with men and lives with one make it tough from the get-go? What am I missing here?

But on a serious note, to you Psych majors; if it’s hard, you shouldn’t be there. Relationships should be EASY. And you know when they’re easy? When the woman’s Interest Level starts out at least in the low 70s. But dude, you’ve got a basket case here and her Interest Level was low from the outset. That’s a big problem.

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Heck, this girl wouldn’t even go out with you at first. That should have told you something. But you didn’t leave when Rosalee wouldn’t give you the time of day. You kept chasing her, believing that persistence somehow can raise Interest Level, when this woman’s Interest Level was clearly hovering below 50%. It’s never going to work!

Nevertheless, getting just a few text messages and calls was enough to keep you in line, wasn’t it, Dane? This woman worked your ego with the skill of an acclaimed artist, by keeping you dangling on the line and never really telling you where you stood.

You claim Rosalee was there for you in a time of grief. Why are you bringing your dead father into a relationship with a psycho case? And by the way, notice that now she’s got “extreme” trust issues?

But you’re impressed that Rosalie drove all the way out to your place of employment. Wow, she actually visited you at work? That erases all the other crappy stuff she’s pulled on you. Awesome, pal!

She might pay you a visit, but she hides the fact that you two are dating from the world. Well, that just shows how proud she is of her new boyfriend! Hey, it’s obvious to me!

Rosalee darts out when she talks to her roommate? Well, I’ll tell you why that is, guy. When she’s whispering romantically to him she doesn’t want to do it in front of you and hurt your feelings. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “What do you think this girl is, a sadist?”

Then, when the platonic friend came back she dropped you like a hot potato and went everywhere with him. Any chance she likes him more than you? Of course not! The sad part of this is that you’re hanging around like a little scared puppy dog panting for scraps. Like most men, you’re waiting for scraps because you’re weak.

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It’s also obvious to me that when Rosalee goes on vacation with the other guy she can’t wait to get back to her true love, who is you. Dane, she won’t show you off in front of him because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, get it? See how sensitive she is?

But it’s just splendid that Rosalee wants to spend more time with you when Mister Platonic is out looking for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, because then you can get your time in with her. What a setup – for her! Man, is this girl sharp! But she insists that she wants you to be her soul mate forever. Uh, Dane, when she says this stuff, does she pass the bong to you, too?

Here’s my theory. This lady won’t tell anybody about your relationship because she’s really a double agent -- she’s working both sides of the street. The good thing is that you know about it, but the bad thing is that you don’t dump her. Why? Because you’re a glutton for punishment. And your Self-Esteem is down in the sewer.

Now, at the end of all this back and forth, Rosalee’s not even returning your messages. Buddy, when they don’t return text messages, that means they’re deeply in love with you. Duh. But you just keep being persistent like all the other idiots, and you’ll eventually wear her down. Uh, right.

Actually, my friend, this girl is very easy to figure out. She’s a mess and she’s going out with two turkeys, and both of them are so weak that neither of them have the guts to tell her NO – and that’s the biggest problem in America today. It’s not the economy; it’s not the terrorists, but the fact that WHEN A MAN LIKES A WOMAN, 90% OF THE TIME HE BECOMES A WEAKLING.

Remember, guys: when a woman has a male roommate, you should be smelling a rat.