Can A Relationship Start Without The Phone Number?

He can't get numbers for "security reasons" - legit or no? Doc weighs in...

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Dear Doc,

Sometimes a woman refuses to give me her phone number for “security reasons” (i.e. she wants to keep away the weirdoes and stalkers), but she is perfectly willing to meet me at a restaurant first and usually does. I really prefer to call the woman before the first date. Is her reluctance an example of low Interest Level or of modern times?

Sincerely,

John - who wants to know if what she says is legit?

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Hi John,

The Phone Number Paranoia Excuse makes sense at first glance, but in reality, it doesn’t wash. Here’s why: If you had asked any one of those women on the spot, “Have you ever given your phone number to a guy without meeting him at a restaurant first?” chances are 99 out of a hundred that she would have answered: “Yes, but it was different with him...” The difference was that she had interest in him – but not in you.

A woman doesn’t need to go to a restaurant to know whether or not she wants to give you her phone number. This is just a female version of the ‘ol hat trick –except she hopes you never see the low Interest Level hiding in her bonnet.

Now let me make something perfectly clear: stalkers (guys who cannot leave when the relationship is over) are a menace. They should be forced to wear electronic dog collars that shock them every time they’re within one hundred miles of their ex-girlfriends. But as bad as these criminals are, we need to keep in mind that they only represent a tiny minority of men. I agree that a girl should take all necessary precautions, but we’re only talking about asking for her phone number, not her home address.

The point is, if a woman suspects she’s dealing with a serial killer and decides not to see him, she can always let him talk to her voicemail for a few weeks until he gives up. She should already be used to doing this – after all, this is how she already gets rid of 90% of her dates. If it doesn’t work, she can always change her phone number. Any reasonable girl would be willing to take these chances for a guy she’s dying to see.

But even if a girl has high Interest Level, John, she may still refuse to give you her phone number. The reason is her attitude – specifically: in spite of her high Interest Level, she’s too structured (To you Psych majors - she’s inflexible).

The structured woman wants to control the relationship every step of the way. She may have been born a control freak or she may have become that way due to bad experiences with men from her past (men that she chose to be with!). Now she wants to put all men through the wringer before she gives them the time of day. The source of her hang-up should not matter to you. Why? Because The Bottom Line Factor says: if she is not flexible, she’s out. Period.

It’s a real shame that some structured women have had abusive boyfriends in their past, but excuses aren’t recipes for success in romantic relationships. Women like this should be pitied, but never dated. If you fall for one of these sad cases, John, you will only end up suffering instead of getting the love that you so richly deserve.

Women are twice as intuitive as men when it comes to relationships. This is because relationships are the woman’s turf. If this is true, then you may be wondering, John, why some women ignore their intuition and choose abusers for love partners. The answer? Because, sadly, some women consider abuse preferable to being alone.

A woman can read a man’s Interest Level within five minutes, but it takes five or six dates for her to read his attitude. If the man shows any signs of jealousy or possessiveness (the most common traits of an abuser) during this time, then she has a decision to make. If she is sharp, she’ll walk. If she is a loser, she’ll stay.

A sharp woman doesn’t want a guy who flies out of control every time someone looks at his “property.” She would rather spend time with someone who takes another man’s ogling as a compliment to his taste instead of a threat to his manhood. Successful women know life is too short for wasting time on an uptight guy.

John, if you asked those ladies for their phone numbers and they refused, then chances are you’re only missing out on headaches - not to mention ex-boyfriends lurking in the bushes, ready to slash your tires!

Your mission should be to find a woman who is confident and functional - not to submit to an uninterested or structured woman’s outlandish demands. With my coaching, John, you will definitely wait for a better deal.

Remember guys, without the phone number you have nothing.