Hey Doc,

I met Brianna two weeks ago. I’m 41 and she’s 33. I’m a professor at our college and she’s a graduate student in another department. We had a coffee date and hit it off very quickly. I paid attention to her signs of interest, some measure of leaning in across the table, big grins, lots of laughter. At the end of the date (which I cut off after an hour) she offered me her phone number. It was Tuesday. On Wednesday, I asked her out for a date on Saturday. I know you’re not supposed to do this.

I picked Brianna up and we went for lunch and then visited an art gallery and a train museum. The date went splendidly -- lots of laughter and a few casual touches (from her, I kept my hands to myself). Afterwards she did not invite me inside (which I did not read too much into) and she said she had a great time and looked forward to our next “adventure.”

The whole time, MY interest level has been in the 90s, like I’ve been hit on the head with a baseball bat, and I’m doing everything I can to keep a lid on it. On Sunday, Brianna sent me a text saying she had a really great time. I sent a text reciprocating, and the next day (Monday), I offered to take her out Friday (a mistake), to a movie (another mistake). There isn’t much happening in this town, and I was worried she would think I had low interest. She responded immediately with a yes.

I kept texting to a minimum. On Wednesday morning we ran into each other on the coffee line and had a 10-minute chat that went very well. She said she looked forward to Friday, and that evening, sent another text (incoming!) saying it was fun to run into me and that she looked forward to our date. Since she showed interest first, I sent a reciprocating text. Another sign that her Interest Level was high is that she has been talking to people about our date.

Four hours before the date, Brianna sent a text saying, “Would you hate me if I asked for a postponement of our date?” I wasn’t expecting it, and it felt like a bomb went off in my chest. I got her on the phone. She said she was feeling overwhelmed (she’s writing her dissertation) and stressed and is worried she would not make good company. I asked her what day she had in mind to postpone to and she shot back “Monday” (after her stressful deadline will have passed). I told her I’d have to check my schedule. I hemmed and hawed (partly because I’m busy that week and partly because I wanted to show Challenge) then told her Monday would work and I would pick her up at such and such a time, etc.

I’m getting the vibe that Brianna is nervous. I think the pressure of a Friday evening date may have gotten to her. At any rate, the question now is whether I should try to change the date to something more low key, like an ice cream parlor?

Also, Doc, I’m confused regarding the TIMING of setting up dates. This scares the heck out of me, because I worry about showing too little interest. How soon AFTER a date do you set up the next one?

Carson - who needs to read your book again

Hi Carson,

It’s great that Brianna was giving you lots of buying signals. But why in the world did you call the very next day and ask her out? You NEVER do that! You wait five to nine days before asking for the second date. Why are you in such a rush? Are you sure you have my book? Pal, you have to disappear for five days or a week before going for that second date. Your problem is that you’re coming on way too fast. You’re butchering Challenge. If your interest is through the roof, it is imperative that you practice Self-Control.

Then you made all kinds of other mistakes. If you know something is a mistake, why are you doing it? You tell me that you’re a follower of my techniques, that you go by “The System,” then you point out all the rules that you broke. Are you a masochist? Are you trying to self-destruct? Carson, you have no Self-Control whatsoever. Then you go and make yet another mistake. Why? You know “The System,” because you’re pointing out all of the mistakes you’re making — that’s what’s ironic here!

But your greatest worry is that you’re showing too little interest in Brianna. Dude, don’t worry about showing low interest. To you Psych majors, you don’t want the woman to know your Interest Level. You want her to be confused about your Interest Level. You want her to be wondering whether it’s high or low. You are regarding the concept of Challenge incorrectly, and this is where you’re not following “The System.”

What do you mean you kept texting to a minimum? You shouldn’t be texting all! You got the date, so there’s no need for texting. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You don’t have to call back every 10 minutes and check in.”

When you saw Brianna on the coffee line, you should have split before she spotted you. Once you set the date up, there should be no contact between the two of you. That includes running into the girl on the coffee line. Why are you sending reciprocating texts? Again, you shouldn’t be texting at all. Texting is to make the date, not shoot the bull.

How do you know that people are talking about your date? How did this thing make it to a third party?

Does Brianna have a big mouth? Or do you have the big mouth?

Have you ever noticed that when a girl breaks a date, she puts the onus on you? Suddenly you’re going to hate her and you’re the bad guy. She knows she’s doing wrong by breaking the date, but she’s going to get away with it because your Interest Level is in the 90s.

Whenever a girl says that she might be bad company and therefore doesn’t want to go out with you, it’s a crock. It’s just Womanese for saying that her Interest Level is ZERO and you’re OUT. You blew it by doing a rush job.

Why are you checking your schedule when Brianna counteroffered another day? GRAB IT! You have to get in front of this babe’s face. When you’re having trouble getting in front of her face, that’s not the time to be a Challenge. 

Say yes instead of stretching the situation out. If you do that, she’ll just come up with another excuse not to see you. When you get in front of Brianna’s face, then you can show Challenge by not talking about your feelings and the future. You’ve got everything ass-backwards, buddy.

Then, after going around in circles, you did take the Monday date after all!

If Brianna is nervous, it’s because she’s with somebody she doesn’t like. What pressure are you talking about? The only pressure is that your Interest Level is 90% and you’ve got my book and you don’t know what it says! That’s the real problem here. You’re in too much of a rush, Carson, and you rushed Brianna.

 You’re supposed to space her out at least a week after every date so she has time to think about you and wonder why it’s taking you so long to call her and ask her out. That’s how you work Challenge. But now you’ve got the date, so keep it. Stop changing things around.

Guy, you want to show TOO LITTLE interest. Again, you want the girl confused about your Interest Level. You don’t want her to know your Interest Level – that’s what Challenge is!

You wait five to nine days to call for the next date. Hopefully the girl calls you before that and asks you out, and you take it. It’s that simple.

Remember, guys: until my material is memorized, you don’t stand a chance.