Hey Doc,

My wife Lena and I were together for only four months before getting married. We’ve now been married a year and a half. I love her deeply and I believe that she loves me.

The problem is that we always quarrel over her phone calls with her friends and the photos they post on her Facebook page. I believe that these old “friends” of hers were really her ex-boyfriends. Sometimes she claims that these people are her relatives, which I know is a lie. For instance, after she takes these phone calls, I’ve traced them and discovered that the callers were old boyfriends and are not related to her at all.

When I’ve confronted Lena with this evidence, we get into major arguments during which I demand to know why she lies to me. These standoffs can last for days, sometimes even a week. Eventually Lena will ask me to forgive her. After a few months the argument will recur, then I will forgive her again and we continue our lives together.

Now I’ve found out that she has been chatting with an ex-boyfriend when I am at work. An argument broke out, Lena has left our home and I haven’t seen her for almost three weeks. She has gone back to live with her family, but she’s called me and admitted that all of our problems are her fault and that she wants me to forgive her again. Even though I love Lena, I can’t bring myself to forgive her this time. In other words, I’m feeling very ambivalent about going forward with her, and I feel very much in a dilemma over her – she is, after all, my wife.

Any suggestions what I should do, Doc?

Jordi - who probably shouldn’t have forgiven her the first time

Hi Jordi,

“The System” says that you should date a woman for TWO YEARS before getting married. When you follow that principle, and you listen to my Doc Love Club Radio Show and you test yourself with my Mastery Series, you will discover the 10% that you don’t like about your girlfriend. There will always be 10% that you don’t care for in any woman. You will then have to ask yourself whether you can put up with that 10% that you don’t care for. If it’s 11% that you dig, of course you have to drop her. But only through getting those two years in with her and going by my techniques will you significantly cut your odds of having trouble in the future.

To you Psych majors, before the girl you’re dating becomes your girlfriend, you have to ask her whether she has any contact with ex-boyfriends and if there are any of these guys lurking in the background.

If she says yes, then you say “Let’s leave the relationship as it is.” Notice that you don’t say that you don’t want to be her boyfriend. If she brings it up, tell her that you’re not demanding that she get rid of the exes, you’re just telling her that she’s not ready to be your girlfriend because she has contact with her exes. A smart girl will come back with “I’ll get rid of all my exes and I won’t have any contact with them.” Then and only then do you make her your girlfriend. In your case though Jordi, it’s too late because you didn’t do this with Lena. In addition to a huge rush into marriage, you got hitched to this woman when she was in contact with all of her exes. Because you were so determined to rush into matrimony, you didn’t see what was going on with her. And now of course you’re suffering the consequences.

Lena lies to you only to defend herself. But you shouldn’t be arguing with her over this now. You have to ...

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