Do Women Give Out Mixed Signals?

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Hey Doc,

I’ve got a problem with my girlfriend and I need your help.

Jewel and I met at work a year ago. We casually chatted and got along quite well. We attended an office party together and later I called her and we started dating. However, although I knew I had an Interest Level in her at the beginning, I wasn’t as sure about her. I knew she had recently gotten out of a relationship, and at the time I came into the picture she seemed to put up almost a psychological “wall” to prevent me from getting too close. I got the impression she was interested in me, but didn’t want to get too close because she seemed almost afraid of getting hurt.

But we kept dating and always having a good time together. I figured that the more she got to know me the more comfortable she would become. However, I didn’t pursue her hard enough and she was sending me mixed signals. So after seeing her for the first time in a couple of weeks I decided to find out where I stood. She said that she thought I was giving her a “friend” vibe and was totally confused. She also said that there was a time when she had an Interest Level of 71% in me, but because I didn’t come on strong enough she lost interest and now has an Interest Level of 0% as she has met someone else.

This “someone else” and Jewel have only hung out like once or twice. And now she says there is no chemistry between us at all. I told her that I thought she was giving me mixed signals. I was fed up. I said that although I did like her I thought it would be better if we never saw each other again. She said that if I wanted to get together with her as a friend that the ball was in my court. I don’t know if she’s trying to make me jealous, just playing mind games or why her Interest Level dropped that much. What should I do?

Neal - who doesn’t get where she’s coming from

Hi Neal,

You cozied up to Jewel at an office party? You showed your boss that you were dating this girl? What if he was after her, did you think of that? You don’t date a woman at work, and you don’t do a group date, which is what an office party is. Big mistakes, right out of the chute.

Let me explain why you weren’t sure about Jewel at the beginning. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s because she wasn’t giving you any buying signals, my son.” So you actually were sure, Neal. You just didn’t know what to look for.

Don’t fret over Jewel getting bounced out of her last relationship. Odds are 90% that she dropped the guy, so he’s feeling all the pain, not her. And don’t flatter yourself, Neal. Jewel didn’t put a wall up to keep you out. She simply had low Interest Level in you.

You guys kill me. You never call the major factor in these breakups what it really is – LOW INTEREST LEVEL. You always have to tell yourself and everybody else that she’s shy, or she’s delicate, or she’s been hurt or some other phony excuse when the truth is that she just isn’t interested in you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she just got dumped by someone and George Clooney came along and wanted to date her, do you think she’d put up a wall?” Hell, she’d be tearing down every wall in sight to let him in!

So Jewel wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. Her Interest Level was only 55%, that was the problem. Sure, you kept dating her, but were you kissing her on the second, third and fourth date or was she turning her head? And as far as her “comfort” goes, we’re not worried about comfort level, Neal; we’re worried about Interest Level! You’re looking at the wrong thing, guy.

What do you mean you weren’t pursuing her hard enough? When a woman is giving you mixed signals, you’re not supposed to pursue her harder – YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BACK OFF.

Now let me get this straight. You didn’t date this girl for over two weeks in a row? When that happens, you’re out, dude. It’s over.

Please don’t think Jewel was confused. Women are NEVER, EVER confused. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Anytime they use that word, it means they have low Interest Level in you and they have another guy on the side.” So that’s what “confused” really means. Whenever you see the words “afraid of getting hurt” or “shy” you have to substitute the phrase LOW INTEREST LEVEL and then suddenly the situation will make perfect sense. To you Psych majors, you have to STOP RATIONALIZING for these women who screw with your head.

I’ll explain something else to you. When a woman has an Interest Level of 71% and you back off, her Interest Level will shoot through the roof. The way to kill an Interest Level of 71% is to pursue her too hard. Pressure lowers Interest Level. Backing off increases Interest Level. These are basic tenets of “The System.” You should have known them, pal. And if you studied my materials a little harder, you’d have avoided this mess.

Jewel and her new squeeze have only hung out once or twice? Like my cousin Doctor Love says, “That’s Womanese for they’ve been making out in the back of his car for three hours every time they get together.”

This babe’s Interest Level was never above 55%. The chemistry between you and Jewel went from 55% to 35%, buddy. So she wasn’t giving you mixed signals, like I said earlier. She was giving you low Interest Level signals. And that’s what mixed signals really mean. By the way, I have no doubt that you were fed up with her -- two months too late.

So, you pulled the old ultimatum trip on Jewel? You told a girl who has no Interest Level in you whatsoever – by her own admission! -- that you don’t want to see her again? Oh, she’ll be positively suicidal now!

You should have told Jewel that her idea for being friends was great, and that you’d call her next week. Then you should have gone and flushed her number.

Don’t worry about Jewel playing mind games with you. Her Interest Level is low, that’s your problem, and it was never all that high to begin with. You had a chance for a while there to push it up and you never did. Why? Because you didn’t memorize my principles.

What should you do now? Study, study, study! Or forget women altogether.

Remember, guys: when you don’t get where she’s coming from, that means she’s coming from ZERO Interest Level.