6 Dating Women Advice: He Let His Feelings For Her Get Too High
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He thinks they're breaking up because of her abusive ex but Doc has a different take...
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READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
A few weeks ago I met Britt, an amazingly attractive woman with a great personality. We quickly found that we had a strong connection. We spent two straight days together, after which I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. We quickly began seeing each other every day. Things seemed to be going really well, until two weeks after we started dating. She abruptly canceled a date, telling me that she needed time to herself. She said she was confused, some things had happened, and she needed time to figure out what to do. I decided to give her space, but a couple of days later she told me our relationship was over.
At this point, I realized that we had moved too fast, but I needed more insight into what I did wrong. I found “The System,” which showed me that I had broken all the rules. I let my Interest Level get too high, failed to be a Challenge, didn’t keep serious subjects to a minimum, and jumped the gun on showing affection. I was prepared to suck it up, cut my losses, and move on, but the story continues….
I had left some stuff at Britt’s apartment, which I fully intended to get back. When I went to get my stuff, she was a mess. She said that her abusive ex had been terrorizing her. I did my best to say something supportive. Later that night, she called me and explained that breaking up with me was a mistake, but she needed some time to figure out what to do about her ex before getting into a new relationship. She told me her ex had found out she was seeing someone (me) and began harassing her, and that he basically forced her to “run me off.” She told me that she wants to be with me, but she is afraid that if she dates anyone her ex will come after her and hurt her.
I suggested that she take some time to let the situation simmer down and once she feels things are resolved, she could always give me a call and see where we stand. She asked me to take her back, if I would have her. Normally, I would run like the wind from a situation like this, but I really like Britt and it will take more than a psycho ex-boyfriend to drive me away. I told her I would continue to date her, but from this point forward we are going to take things slowly. I plan on utilizing “The System” to my fullest advantage from this point on.
My questions are these: “The System” says that once you move too fast and hit a wall, there are no second chances. Does this relationship have any chance of getting off the ground? How should I handle the abusive ex? Several years ago, my now ex-wife cheated on me with her abusive ex-boyfriend who she supposedly hated, which is why I ended the marriage. Britt claims she wants nothing to do with her ex who is harassing her. How can I be sure that history will not repeat itself? Under what circumstances should I cut and run?
Cory - who doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Cory,
Britt may be an amazingly attractive babe with a great personality, but what are you doing asking her to be your girlfriend after only two days? To say you weren’t being a Challenge, moved too fast, and didn’t know her at all would be huge understatements!
Let me explain something to you: anytime a woman uses the word “confused,” it means you’re confused and you‘re OUT. That said, I want to congratulate you on getting my book and at least recognizing and admitting your mistakes. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is a very good sign for the future.”
Now, how did this abusive ex find out about you unless Britt told him all about you? She was the one who brought this guy into your life, pal. So you’re looking in the wrong place – the ex – to place blame and responsibility. This guy didn’t force her to “run you off,” Cory. He didn’t force her to do anything.
You went in with this woman way too fast, got in over your head, and when you realized you had a problem, Britt somehow shifted the blame onto the ex.
If Britt is being really truthful about the situation, she has to obtain a restraining order against her ex and you have to disappear. But she hasn’t gotten a restraining order, has she? What does that tell you?
And remember, if this guy will really hurt her, he’ll also hurt you. And never forget, my friend, Britt was the one who picked this jerk. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You shouldn’t run like the wind from this mess, you should run like a gosh-darn hurricane!”
Again, you keep referring to Britt’s psycho ex as the problem, and he’s not. She’s the problem. You’re blaming everything on the guy, when you should be placing the blame on her.
You can’t take things slowly now, Cory. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “The horse is already out of the barn.” If you’re going forward, you’re going forward and you can’t just slam on the brakes. Here’s another huge problem. You might already have lowered Britt’s Interest Level to below 50%, did you think of that?
This mess may all be nothing but a big smokescreen for that basic fact. This supposedly crazy ex of Britt’s might well have nothing whatsoever to do with this. She might just be handing you a crock of bull as an excuse to get away from you. And there’s not much evidence to the contrary.
It’s true there are no second chances when you hit a wall, and that’s happened in this case. But your Interest Level is too high to see that, and you’re rationalizing Britt’s deportment.
No, this relationship has no chance whatsoever – it’s dead. You had your shot with Britt. The ex didn’t lower her Interest Level in you – YOU lowered her interest in you.
Don’t even think about handling an abusive ex. He might take a baseball bat to your car or your head. If he’s a nut, you don’t know what kind of nut he is.
Now you tell me your ex-wife cheated with her abusive ex. You sure can pick them, can’t you, guy? You fall in love with women, then find out there’s an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background. I got news for you: history already has repeated itself!
You already have all of the circumstances to cut and run. You lowered Britt’s Interest Level. Her ex has nothing to do with that fact. And that’s where you made your mistakes.
Remember, guys: before you make her your girlfriend, make sure there are no exes lurking in the background.
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