Hey Doc,

Harper and I have been dating for about a year now and during that time we’ve had our share of ups and downs. At first she was reluctant to get into a relationship with me because I was still in contact with one of my exes, which was a mistake on my part until I cut all ties with the ex and focused my attention on Harper. Little did I know that she was still in contact with one of her exes. Big Red Flag, but Harper seemed special so I didn’t want to burn the bridge.

After I bugged Harper about it for a while, she finally stopped talking to her ex and focused her attention on me. Here’s where the next problem comes into play. She got very, VERY flirty with other guys when we went out to the bars. It was almost like I wasn’t even there. She kept saying that it didn’t matter and that she was still only going home with me, but it was obvious that her interest in me was well under 50%. At one point she even drunkenly told me that she would do anything to get into bed with another guy at the bar, which infuriated me. Finally I told her that we should just end things now and she could go and be with all the guys she really wants to be with.

Harper then stopped flirting with all these guys and everything seemed normal. I was happy, and as far as I could tell she was too. Then I went down to visit her in Florida (she lives near Tampa and I live in central Alabama). I stayed for a week, which was awesome. It was the most fun I’ve ever had with a girl, until the end of the trip. She was driving me to the airport and I was looking through her phone and saw that she had been texting some guy I didn’t know. I asked her about him and she burst into tears and apologized profusely. Then I read the messages. She had been texting and talking to this guy for a couple of weeks, calling him “babe” and trying to make plans to hang out with him. I was heartbroken because I thought Harper had changed. I asked her to tell me everything that happened, and she said they only watched a movie and the most contact they had with each other was a hug (which I don’t believe for one second). She begged me not to end things with her and despite my better judgment, I told her that I would try to get over it but that she would have to make an effort to show how Loyal she was and that I was the only guy she was interested in.

Despite my heartache, I did notice Harper making more of an effort than she had made in the past. That lasted about a week and then it was like nothing had ever happened. We’ve talked about it a few times since, but I’m still not over it and she doesn’t seem to understand why. I do love her and I want to give her the space she needs so I’m not overbearing, but I just don’t fully trust her anymore and I’m not sure I ever will. Doc, should I try to stick it out with Harper, talk to her about it again, or just move on?

Brandin - who needs some serious coaching

Hi Brandin,

Whenever I hear “we’ve had our ups and downs,” it means that you’re arguing constantly with your girl, but you think it’s okay because you tell yourself that everybody else in every other relationship in America is doing the same thing!

Now, why were you talking about other women when you were with Harper? Dumb, dumb, dumb, Brandin! You need to get hold of “The System” as soon as possible so you can start identifying your mistakes!

Harper isn’t special, dude. The truth of this situation is that your Interest Level is too high and you are RATIONALIZING Harper’s lack of LOYALTY.

You know what, guy? You weren’t really there in her mind when you and Harper went out to the bars.

She was having a great time with all those other guys and she wasn’t even thinking about you. How does that make you feel? So much for Miss Loyalty! You might have given her an ultimatum, but like most men – 90% – you’ll go back to her even after she walks all over you, because you’re weak. And you are weak, Brandin.

Now let me get this straight. Harper lives in Tampa and you live in Central Alabama? In other words, you have a long distance relationship with a woman who’s not Loyal and who loves to flirt with drunks at bars? Sounds like you have a great relationship here! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What do you think she’s up to when you’re not in town?”

But you claim that you had the best time of your life when you spent a week with Harper. The problem is that when you were having your fabulous week with her, she was talking to that guy on the phone whenever you went to the bathroom. Wow, this babe Harper is really something. I’ve never heard of such a Loyal woman in all my life!

Pal, if you think Harper’s changed, you’re dreaming. Three little words to remember: THEY NEVER CHANGE. Well, at least you’re smart enough to not believe that Harper’s only contact with this other guy was a hug. By the way, Brandin, the detail she left out was that neither of them had their clothes on when they hugged!

When you asked Harper to make an effort to pay attention to only you, you were asking her to do the impossible. After all, she doesn’t even get why you’re upset that she’s not Loyal! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Golly! You have sharp girl there!”

But you want to give Harper space enough so that you’re not seen as overbearing. Brandin, you’ve already given her more space than the Sahara Desert!

You can’t stick it out with Harper now. You’d be better off going home and talking to the wall about her, because the wall will be more understanding than she is. Yes, it’s time to move on. The problem is that you got in way too deep with this girl. Then you found out that she likes to flirt with every dipso around. Finally, she doesn’t even live in the same state as you.

You wasted a year of your life, Brandin. You could have used that time to meet someone else. You spent money on Harper when you could have been spending it on someone else – someone worth your time and money, someone who doesn’t want to make out with every barfly in town.

Remember, guys: if you can’t trust her, you can’t keep her.