She Needs A “Break” Before Starting To Date Him???
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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
Hey Doc,
Thanks for the great job you’ve done (and are still doing) for us men. I can’t say more than that without breaking into song!
I met Cat about three years ago. She had just started dating a guy, but I didn’t know it and spoke to her once a week for 15 minutes. She didn’t mention the guy for months. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have dragged it out for all that time before making a move.
I’ve seen other ladies during this time, but deep down, I only want Cat. I KNOW this is a mistake, and I’m probably just saying that to make myself feel better about not making it any further with the other girls, but in any case, at this point I’m glad I didn’t step into it with any of them.
Now, throughout our hundreds of talks, I was always confident that Cat liked me. She laughed like I was Jim Carrey at the silliest things; she played with her hair, and never seemed distracted when I was talking.
I work with Cat in a huge company spread out over three buildings, so if I don’t make an effort to go and talk to her I will never see her. Since the beginning of the year I’ve noticed that her smiles at me are bigger and she seems to flirt more. We had this recent conversation: in a nutshell, she told me she broke up with her boyfriend, that she’s not seeing anyone else, and that a person needs a break after a long relationship. She then gave me several reasons why she should be single for a while, and then she said “Or...I don’t know.” I changed the subject, talked about something positive, made her laugh and said goodbye.
It’s normal for someone to want a break after a long relationship, isn’t it, Doc? (I ask because I’m very afraid of rationalizing.) I’ve probably already begun rationalizing by telling myself that if she didn’t want me she would have just said, “No, I’m not seeing someone and I don’t want to see you.” But the fact that she felt the need to give me several reasons for needing a break makes me think that she is sincere, and that I should be patient.
Please let me know what you think I should do, Doc. Thanks.
Lambert - who wants to face reality
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Hi Lambert,
I’m glad you only want Cat, but the problem is that you don’t know what Cat wants, do you? What have I said to you guys a million times already? The only thing that counts is the WOMAN’S INTEREST LEVEL -- not yours. Your Interest Level has nothing to do with anything.
The reason you didn’t step into it with any of the other girls you went out with is because you weren’t interested in them. If you were, one of them would have replaced Cat in your thoughts. So the fix that you’re in is that you didn’t find anyone else you liked out there and you have a thing for Cat. But again, you don’t know what Cat has for you.
You’ve had hundreds of talks with this girl? If Cat were just a friend and you’d had hundreds of talks with her I’d say great – you have a very nice chum. But that’s not what you want. So why are you talking hundreds of times as a friend to a girl you’re interested in romantically? These talks should be happening over dinner – dinners that are dates, where Cat could touch your arm and show you some romantic interest. If she has any.
Cat has been giving you buying signals all right, but you have to find out whether or not she really digs you, because you didn’t ask her out, and therefore you don’t really know where you stand with her. You never even asked for her phone number. You have to find out if all these buying signals are the real deal, or if she’s just playing with you like a cat with a mouse.
Now let me get this straight. You mean that if you don’t go to see Cat you’ll never see her? Dude, I’ve got news for you: that means she’s not interested in you. If Cat’s such a good buddy of yours, how come she doesn’t come over and see you at least once in a while? You said you’ve talked to her hundreds of times and not once did she ever come over to visit you? Know what that says about her Interest Level? It’s ZERO!
When Cat told you that a person needs a break after a long relationship, you should have answered “Yeah,” and then asked her right out on a date as if her answer didn’t mean anything. And if she said, “No, I don’t want to see anybody,” you’re OUT. Simple as that. If, on the other hand, she goes out with you, then you know that all her talk of taking a break from dating was a bunch of garbage.
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Lambert, another major problem for you is that you have a lot of time in with this girl. In fact, you have way too much time in with her on a non-dating basis -- that’s what worries me. You’re marooned in the ‘Friend Zone,’ pal!
When Cat hit you with that cryptic phrase, “Or…I don’t know,” why didn’t you ask her what she meant by it? When you hear something from a woman and the meaning isn’t clear, you have to PRESS her on it. What, specifically, don’t you know, you should have asked. You have to come at her like a cop on Love And Order, otherwise you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.
No, Lambert, it isn’t normal for most ladies to want a break after a long relationship. Most women line up their ducks before they even dump the guy! So you’ve got it all backwards, my friend.
What we keep coming back to is that you never asked this girl out on a date. You simply don’t know what she wants. You’re straddling the friendship fence here because you’re not in the dating mode with Cat. She wouldn’t have said that she didn’t want to see you if you asked her out. She would have just said no thanks; I’m taking a break. It’s called Womanese.
After all this, you’re still convinced that you should be patient with this girl. You’re putting me on, right? You’ve been patient with her for three years!
There’s only one thing you can do with Cat now. The next time you see her, ASK FOR HER PHONE NUMBER. If she gives it to you, call her and ask her for a date.
Remember, guys: until you ask for the phone number, nothing starts.
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