Hey Doc,

A year and a half ago, Georgia, my wife of 18 years, confessed to an infidelity I had feared in the back of my mind for a very long time.

In our second year together, I was in the military. We were stationed overseas. We had a small group of friends -- couples and singles -- who partied at our place three or four nights a week. We never allowed the parties to get too crazy, but occasionally someone would sleep overnight on our couch if they weren’t sober enough to drive home.

One evening I returned from the base very tired, and after a few beers, I retired early. A few friends were still hanging around, but were leaving soon. Georgia’s encounter happened in the adjacent bedroom with one of my best friends, while our two-year-old son and I slept.

Since I found out the truth, I have experienced every negative emotion -- betrayal, sadness, shock, hatred, anxiety, denial, etc. After talking to two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, my parents, God, reading tons of books, fishing, taking countless long walks trying to figure out why it happened -- and finally attempting to talk to Georgia alone -- what else can I do? (She, by the way, refuses to discuss it further.) What happened still bothers me every single day. There has to be some relief from this continuous bad feeling I am trying desperately to get rid of.

Doc, nothing has worked so far. I don’t want to say divorce is the answer, because this thing happened so long ago. However, at other times it seems like it happened just yesterday.

Once again, what else can I do?

Pip - who feels like the earth gave way beneath him

Hi Pip,

For some reason, women feel as if the husband has the power to forgive them of their sins. This is, of course, ludicrous. What they are doing in reality is simply moving the burden of pain for their transgressions onto their hapless and clueless husbands or boyfriends.

You’ve been married for a long time and now, out of the blue, Georgia suddenly feels guilty for something she did a long time ago. And after unloading on you, she no longer feels guilty! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Now you’re the one who’s dying!” What sense does this make? Unfortunately, many women do this. And for women who understand men – or profess to – it’s the dumbest thing in the world because all it does is inflict pain on the man they supposedly love.

In your case, what you have to do is realize that this transgression happened 16 long years ago. You have at least one grown child at this point and you may have more and you’ve been with Georgia for many long years. So you have a choice, my friend. You can either stay with her – which is what I’m recommending you do, since this happened only one time and it was a long, long time ago – or you can get a divorce. The problem is that if you stay, you’re still going to be plagued by all sorts of negative feelings when you’re around Georgia. And those feelings are going to last for a long, long time. I’m sure you have been in a great deal of pain, guy, but the alternative is to just get up and walk out and never look back.

So you’re actually faced with two bad choices. If you leave, you’re going to be in pain, and if you stay you’re going to be in pain. But because you have at least one kid, and there will be ugly ramifications for him, the best thing for you to do would be to stay with Georgia.

The fact that your wife’s infidelity bothers you every single day is a testament to the destructive power of unfaithfulness. And to you Psych majors, LOYALTY is the most important factor in the relationship. When a woman can’t give you loyalty, it will bug you for the rest of your life, but that’s what you’re going to have to put up with now because you’re going to have to stay with this woman.