Hey Doc,

Six years ago I met Holly on a dating site. We dated for about a year. During this time she would always inquire about what my intentions towards her were. She wanted to know whether we would ever become a couple. Because of her questions about our future, I was led to believe that she and I would be a couple if not for my inaction on this issue.

After a year, I asked Holly whether she wanted to be a couple. She said that she was interested, but that she had something to tell me. Well, the thing that she had to reveal was that she was still married. Beyond that revelation, she steadfastly refused to discuss the circumstances concerning her marriage and why she wasn’t divorced, not to mention why she had failed to share this information when we first met!

After Holly’s revelation, our relationship became strained. However, I did not end it. Despite her dishonesty and the pain and anger I felt, I had come to care for her very deeply. So, I made the decision to stay.

Holly and I entered into a phase where we were not officially in a relationship, but we still did all the things that a couple would do. Being in this grey area was not great, but I felt (based on what she told me) that she would finalize her divorce in the near future and we could build a life together.

Last year I discovered that Holly has been in a relationship with another man during much of the time that she and I were in this phase. To add insult to injury, I discovered that the man she was in the relationship with was also married. For some strange reason, the fact that the man was married hurt worse than it would have if he had been another single man.

Now I find myself in a love triangle, competing for Holly’s affection and attention. She tends to go back and forth between me and this married guy. Sometimes she wants me around and at other times she doesn’t. However, despite her inconsistent behavior, I do love her and her children.

Doc, should I continue to fight for Holly or move on with my life?

Dez - who wishes he knew everything earlier

Hi Dez,

You should have told Holly that you wanted to be a couple, and that if you stayed together for another year you would marry her. “The System” says that you go with a girl for two years and study her like a hawk -- and of course you have to study the information contained in the book. But instead, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You put this lady into a state of limbo.” It was like you had one foot in the swimming pool and the other on dry land.

And when Holly told you she was still married, you should have asked her when she was getting a lawyer and signing off on the divorce papers so that you and she could get married. But you didn’t do that, either.

I have to defend Holly because you never told her that the two of you were a long-term item. She thought to herself, Why should I tell Dez anything about what I’m up to? He doesn’t want to commit to me. So you brought this situation on yourself, pal.

Holly wasn’t dishonest with you. She just wasn’t open with you. There’s a difference. She never owed you anything because you two were never a couple, even though you saw her day and night, and that’s what’s ironic here. The fact is that you two were a couple, but she wanted to hear the words “Hey, we’re a couple” from you, but you never jumped on it.

Why were you so against being “officially” in a relationship with Holly? If you were with her all of the time, it was as good as official. Why were you fighting it? Why did you resist saying to her that you were going steady, or that she was your girlfriend or fiancée? That’s all you had to say, and then told her to get her divorce paperwork signed.

What you never got was that while you could exist in a grey area with Holly, she absolutely detested it. You say that you were hoping for her to get a divorce in the near future, but what did you mean by that – another six years?